Well it's almost my Finleys 1st birthday, I'm really starting to feel it now, I should be getting stressed over birthday presents and parties not wanting to go to sleep and wake up after the 28th!
Elwhen I think about it thus time 12 months ago my baby boy was still kicking andhavin hiccups god I wish I couldturn back time.
Finleys heart stopped on the 26th and he aS born sleeping into this world on the 28th I miss him so much!
So me ands Scott have been talking and I THINK I have persuaded him to let us start trying for another baby next year, which I'm really happy about. I want a baby so bad and I think as time has gone on iv realised i'm ready for another baby I know it's not gonna be finley and at last I feel at peace with that!
Blog soon
xoxo
Monday, 22 November 2010
Wednesday, 10 November 2010
Guess who's been promoted.......
.......ME!
Yes, i have been promoted to senior :) After 3 years of working my arse off, i have finally achieved it, i mean its not the bee all and end all, but it means alot to me, it means the managment trust me, it means im good enough :) So im really happy about the whole work situation now!
This time last year i had 8 days to go untill my life would of been complete, my boy, my Finley was due on the 18/11/2009.
He was born on the 28/11/2009, so in 18 days it will be/would be his 1st birthday......
I've been thinking about what we could do on that day and have decided i want to go out for the day, go for a nice meal with my fam and then release some lanterns at night. Send them upto my beautiful son.
I wish i had one more chance to tell him i love him, i mean do you think he knows that i do?! I never told him......ooooo regret! It eats at you!
I seem to be in a whirlwind at the moment, i feel happy, i feel content and then i remember!
My feelings are all over the place, i feel the same as i did back then i feel angry, i feel sad, hazy, not in control.....not at ease! Is that normal??
Recently a lady died who i worked with, she was our admin at work. What a wonderful lady...but again taken too soon. I also work with her daughter, my god what a girl, i couldnt even imagine what she is going through i mean my mum is my world and they were so close. She still writes little messages on her mums facebook wall, and i swear my heart aches for her. She seems so brave on the outside such a strong girl, but i understand its not strong its survival.
You have two choices when you loose somebody close, you either get through it (not over it) or you break down. Crying is NOT breaking down, my mum used to tell me tears are pearls and every cry is one less to the end of the "grief" tunnel.
R.I.P Karen. I hope your dancing with the stars.
And if you can hear me, tell Finley i love him.
The brightest star in the sky..............my boy, my Finley.
Yes, i have been promoted to senior :) After 3 years of working my arse off, i have finally achieved it, i mean its not the bee all and end all, but it means alot to me, it means the managment trust me, it means im good enough :) So im really happy about the whole work situation now!
This time last year i had 8 days to go untill my life would of been complete, my boy, my Finley was due on the 18/11/2009.
He was born on the 28/11/2009, so in 18 days it will be/would be his 1st birthday......
I've been thinking about what we could do on that day and have decided i want to go out for the day, go for a nice meal with my fam and then release some lanterns at night. Send them upto my beautiful son.
I wish i had one more chance to tell him i love him, i mean do you think he knows that i do?! I never told him......ooooo regret! It eats at you!
I seem to be in a whirlwind at the moment, i feel happy, i feel content and then i remember!
My feelings are all over the place, i feel the same as i did back then i feel angry, i feel sad, hazy, not in control.....not at ease! Is that normal??
Recently a lady died who i worked with, she was our admin at work. What a wonderful lady...but again taken too soon. I also work with her daughter, my god what a girl, i couldnt even imagine what she is going through i mean my mum is my world and they were so close. She still writes little messages on her mums facebook wall, and i swear my heart aches for her. She seems so brave on the outside such a strong girl, but i understand its not strong its survival.
You have two choices when you loose somebody close, you either get through it (not over it) or you break down. Crying is NOT breaking down, my mum used to tell me tears are pearls and every cry is one less to the end of the "grief" tunnel.
R.I.P Karen. I hope your dancing with the stars.
And if you can hear me, tell Finley i love him.
The brightest star in the sky..............my boy, my Finley.
Wednesday, 3 November 2010
So much inbetween.......
WOW i seriuosly need to pay this blog more attention......my last blog was August 6th!! NEGLECTED! haha.
So what i have i been up to since?!
My birthday: Was fab!
My holiday: Was fab, hotel was a little "shite" but we made the most of it and loved our time there. We met some really nice people :)
Work: Well that is a subject, the day after i came back off holiday i got a call from one of the interviews id been to before i went, they were offering me the job, it was to work with Young disabled adults with Huntingtons and brain injury. So i ACCEPTED! I handed my notice in at work and was all set to start at the new job on the 8th November......then i changed my mind. I figured it was only 7p an hour more than what im on now, and i wouldn't be able to take my "unfinished" NVQ 3 with me. So i revoked my notice :)
Well they do say its a womans perogative to change her mind haha. Just not 1 week before i was leaving! Oh well. As they say the grass isnt always greener!
The baby situation: I am feeling very broody at the moment.....alot of people i know are having babies!
I think also it has alot to do with it's almost a year since Finley was born. This time last year i had 15 days untill my due date, we were sooo excited and scared all at the same time, WE, me and Scott were finally going to get to meet our little Prince, we were finally going to see this brand new baby who we'd made out of love and who had made us so happy for 40 whole weeks, who we'd both felt kick and hiccup in my tummy (and who'd also made his mummy look like a WHALE) haha. Then devastation!
Now me and Scott SHOULD be planning Finley's 1st birthday party and getting all little presents for our boy, BUT we are deciding what to do on our Baby boy's 1st Angelversary! What i would give.........
Since my last blog i have got ANOTHER doggy, so now we have 2!! Must be bloody mad haha!
Fuddles & Cocoa! Their sisters and are great :)
Loving all the attitude on FB at the moment.....people take it so seriously! It's a Social Networking site not your freaking Day-to-day diary! #justsayin.
xoxo
So what i have i been up to since?!
My birthday: Was fab!
My holiday: Was fab, hotel was a little "shite" but we made the most of it and loved our time there. We met some really nice people :)
Work: Well that is a subject, the day after i came back off holiday i got a call from one of the interviews id been to before i went, they were offering me the job, it was to work with Young disabled adults with Huntingtons and brain injury. So i ACCEPTED! I handed my notice in at work and was all set to start at the new job on the 8th November......then i changed my mind. I figured it was only 7p an hour more than what im on now, and i wouldn't be able to take my "unfinished" NVQ 3 with me. So i revoked my notice :)
Well they do say its a womans perogative to change her mind haha. Just not 1 week before i was leaving! Oh well. As they say the grass isnt always greener!
The baby situation: I am feeling very broody at the moment.....alot of people i know are having babies!
I think also it has alot to do with it's almost a year since Finley was born. This time last year i had 15 days untill my due date, we were sooo excited and scared all at the same time, WE, me and Scott were finally going to get to meet our little Prince, we were finally going to see this brand new baby who we'd made out of love and who had made us so happy for 40 whole weeks, who we'd both felt kick and hiccup in my tummy (and who'd also made his mummy look like a WHALE) haha. Then devastation!
Now me and Scott SHOULD be planning Finley's 1st birthday party and getting all little presents for our boy, BUT we are deciding what to do on our Baby boy's 1st Angelversary! What i would give.........
Since my last blog i have got ANOTHER doggy, so now we have 2!! Must be bloody mad haha!
Fuddles & Cocoa! Their sisters and are great :)
Loving all the attitude on FB at the moment.....people take it so seriously! It's a Social Networking site not your freaking Day-to-day diary! #justsayin.
xoxo
Friday, 6 August 2010
Time to stop.....
So its 9 days from my 22nd birthday, i cannot actually believe a year has gone by since my 21st, this time last year i was so happy, i was expecting my first baby and my life was going exactly where i wanted it to. Now 12 months on, i have been pregnant twice and lost both babies, i think its time to stop trying (for at least a few years anyhow) So here i am trying to rebuild my life with no thought of babies, hospitals or death. I feel................relaxed! I feel as though i can get on with my life, i can pursue new ventures, look for that dream job and concentrate on being with my perfect man.
I also got a new addition to my little family, my new beautiful doggy Fuddles :) She's a cocker spaniel and she is so cute. Me and Scott have both said we have tried our hand at children, that FAILED, so now its time to try dogs. Ha.
So iv been off work for 2 weeks now, i was so exhausted with everything with being pregnant and all that goes with it. So its my first day back tomorrow, not that i am looking forward to it. I think its defiantly time to move on in my career, iv been there for nearly 3 years and my passion is slowly starting to fade. I mean don't get me wrong i really love my job, i love what i do and i love making a difference to peoples lives. I like the job satisfaction but that has gone, i feel unappreciated and i get spoken to the way somebody would speak to a dog!
So i think its time to go, i think its time to find something new, something that excites me and something i am going to get satisfaction from. Hmmmmmmm......but what though?
So its like 8 weeks from my holiday, wow i cannot wait! Get me on that beach baby, sipping cocktails with my boo. I think i am defo gonna have to pay a few visits to the sunbed salon before we go, I'm so WHITE! Not the best look for a beach babe haha. Iv still got loads of shopping to do, iv not bought a thing.
Summer this year has just been non existent. I am right now sat at home, on August 6th with THE FIRE ON! Yes I'm so cold and outside its grey, cold and rainy! That's our summer. Not that I'm complaining, i actually hate the English heat, its so sticky and clammy. Just ughhhh!
Well I'm off to the pictures with my mum today, gonna have a Nice girly day :)
I also got a new addition to my little family, my new beautiful doggy Fuddles :) She's a cocker spaniel and she is so cute. Me and Scott have both said we have tried our hand at children, that FAILED, so now its time to try dogs. Ha.
So iv been off work for 2 weeks now, i was so exhausted with everything with being pregnant and all that goes with it. So its my first day back tomorrow, not that i am looking forward to it. I think its defiantly time to move on in my career, iv been there for nearly 3 years and my passion is slowly starting to fade. I mean don't get me wrong i really love my job, i love what i do and i love making a difference to peoples lives. I like the job satisfaction but that has gone, i feel unappreciated and i get spoken to the way somebody would speak to a dog!
So i think its time to go, i think its time to find something new, something that excites me and something i am going to get satisfaction from. Hmmmmmmm......but what though?
So its like 8 weeks from my holiday, wow i cannot wait! Get me on that beach baby, sipping cocktails with my boo. I think i am defo gonna have to pay a few visits to the sunbed salon before we go, I'm so WHITE! Not the best look for a beach babe haha. Iv still got loads of shopping to do, iv not bought a thing.
Summer this year has just been non existent. I am right now sat at home, on August 6th with THE FIRE ON! Yes I'm so cold and outside its grey, cold and rainy! That's our summer. Not that I'm complaining, i actually hate the English heat, its so sticky and clammy. Just ughhhh!
Well I'm off to the pictures with my mum today, gonna have a Nice girly day :)
See y'all soon. xoxo
Tuesday, 6 July 2010
Lonely.....
Well today i feel so lonely and down, i just dont know what is wrong with me. When i sit on my own in the house i wonder what Finley woulda/shoulda been doing now, like would he be rolling over, would he be nearly crawling, what would his voice sound like, and would he of liked the sound of it (like his daddy)
All these things i wonder and i'll never ever get to know. All i can do is look at his pictures.......When a couple get pregnant they expect all the ''normal'' things to happen, like the birth, then the sleepless nights and then seeing your child grow and seeing it change from a baby to a toddler from a toddler to going to school, going on family holidays, christenings, parents evenings, other children knocking on the door seeing if your child is playing out, i have nothing all i have is a few pictures, what is that! My baby which i carried for 41 weeks i went through the whole pregnancy, the jelly legs, the heartburn, the not being able to sleep, the swelling, the tiredness, all that FOR A PICTURE! I guess im just feeling a little angry today, i see other mums and, yes i do feel envious. I think what have they got that i havent, what did i do so wrong, what is wrong with me.....people say they can only dream of having a guardian angel, but i actually have one. Well let me tell you, i dont want one, i want my baby!
When i do look look at other mums or mums to be i do feel envious but i also feel hope, i feel that your baby dieing is not normal and it doesnt happen to everyone, one day i will have a child to hold in my arms, to come home from work to and to love uncondtionally. I mean i love Finley unconditionally but its the not the same, i know he is my baby and he's apart of me and scott but he's not here, i cant share his life with him.
So where do you go from here, what is the ''next step''???
Sometimes i feel so guilty about thoughts that i have, sometimes i think i wish id never got pregnant, the feelings that the pregnancy has left me with i wouldnt wish on my worst enemy. I have panic attacks, i have health anxiety about mostly me but my close family also. I am convinced if i have got a headache it is a brain tumor......i hate these feelings. Will i ever feel normal again, will i ever not have a care in the world. I doesnt seem it at the moment. And then other times i feel so honoured to have been able to share myself, my life and well my body with the most perfect little boy who ever graced this earth. (Well he sure graced my Earth)
It is actually suprising what writing your feelings down does for you, it makes them clear and able to control, what iv probably written doesnt make sence to anyone but it does to me.
R.I.P Beautiful baby Finley
I love you with all my heart.
My 3rd muskateer.
All these things i wonder and i'll never ever get to know. All i can do is look at his pictures.......When a couple get pregnant they expect all the ''normal'' things to happen, like the birth, then the sleepless nights and then seeing your child grow and seeing it change from a baby to a toddler from a toddler to going to school, going on family holidays, christenings, parents evenings, other children knocking on the door seeing if your child is playing out, i have nothing all i have is a few pictures, what is that! My baby which i carried for 41 weeks i went through the whole pregnancy, the jelly legs, the heartburn, the not being able to sleep, the swelling, the tiredness, all that FOR A PICTURE! I guess im just feeling a little angry today, i see other mums and, yes i do feel envious. I think what have they got that i havent, what did i do so wrong, what is wrong with me.....people say they can only dream of having a guardian angel, but i actually have one. Well let me tell you, i dont want one, i want my baby!
When i do look look at other mums or mums to be i do feel envious but i also feel hope, i feel that your baby dieing is not normal and it doesnt happen to everyone, one day i will have a child to hold in my arms, to come home from work to and to love uncondtionally. I mean i love Finley unconditionally but its the not the same, i know he is my baby and he's apart of me and scott but he's not here, i cant share his life with him.
So where do you go from here, what is the ''next step''???
Sometimes i feel so guilty about thoughts that i have, sometimes i think i wish id never got pregnant, the feelings that the pregnancy has left me with i wouldnt wish on my worst enemy. I have panic attacks, i have health anxiety about mostly me but my close family also. I am convinced if i have got a headache it is a brain tumor......i hate these feelings. Will i ever feel normal again, will i ever not have a care in the world. I doesnt seem it at the moment. And then other times i feel so honoured to have been able to share myself, my life and well my body with the most perfect little boy who ever graced this earth. (Well he sure graced my Earth)
It is actually suprising what writing your feelings down does for you, it makes them clear and able to control, what iv probably written doesnt make sence to anyone but it does to me.
R.I.P Beautiful baby Finley
I love you with all my heart.
My 3rd muskateer.
Tuesday, 8 June 2010
Fear....
Wow, it's been too long since my last blog, iv been so so busy!
So what have I been up to recently?
Well I'm still plodding on at work, I love being back, feeling normal again and being treated like a 21 tear old! I hated all the sympathy looks and poor cow smiles!
I went for my first counciling appointment yesterday, it was like an assesment on which type of counciling would be beneficial to me most. So the lady I saw Lynn is referring me for CBT (congenital behaviour therapy, not sure if that is spelt correct) so I just recurve a call from Lynn to arrange my first session.
We talked about: what is the one wordtjat describes my feelings best......fear! So she wants to concentrate on the anxiety, health fears, and panic attacks. Which I am happy with!
This TTC is starting to wind me up, I am now 10 days late so I did 2 tests which both come up negative! So if I'm not pregnant where the he'll is my period?!
I'm off work this week for a weeks holiday! So I'm trying my hand at cooking, yesterday I did Shepards pie and today I'm gonna try Cheese an onion pie :)
I will blog again sometime this week!
xoxo
So what have I been up to recently?
Well I'm still plodding on at work, I love being back, feeling normal again and being treated like a 21 tear old! I hated all the sympathy looks and poor cow smiles!
I went for my first counciling appointment yesterday, it was like an assesment on which type of counciling would be beneficial to me most. So the lady I saw Lynn is referring me for CBT (congenital behaviour therapy, not sure if that is spelt correct) so I just recurve a call from Lynn to arrange my first session.
We talked about: what is the one wordtjat describes my feelings best......fear! So she wants to concentrate on the anxiety, health fears, and panic attacks. Which I am happy with!
This TTC is starting to wind me up, I am now 10 days late so I did 2 tests which both come up negative! So if I'm not pregnant where the he'll is my period?!
I'm off work this week for a weeks holiday! So I'm trying my hand at cooking, yesterday I did Shepards pie and today I'm gonna try Cheese an onion pie :)
I will blog again sometime this week!
xoxo
Saturday, 22 May 2010
Its been a while....
Well it has been too long since my last blog, iv been so busy with work and what not. Work is going well i really do love my job, just not the company i work for........!
I seem to have my ''goal'' head on at the moment, i want to be somebody in this life, you only get one shot after all. So im looking into starting my next NVQ :)
We have had alot of feed back from the solicitor, he's read through all the notes and the PM results and it turns out, there very incomplete.....their was more tests that were supposed to be done on Finley and either they have done them and havent given us the results, in which case i want to know why, or they havent done the tests, in which case im doing them for gross misconduct! So we just have to wait and see what they write back to our solicitor.
Well were going out tonight, me, Scott, Joanne and Dave :) Should be good, iv had my tan done, bought my lashes and done my nails :)
I seem to have my ''goal'' head on at the moment, i want to be somebody in this life, you only get one shot after all. So im looking into starting my next NVQ :)
We have had alot of feed back from the solicitor, he's read through all the notes and the PM results and it turns out, there very incomplete.....their was more tests that were supposed to be done on Finley and either they have done them and havent given us the results, in which case i want to know why, or they havent done the tests, in which case im doing them for gross misconduct! So we just have to wait and see what they write back to our solicitor.
Well were going out tonight, me, Scott, Joanne and Dave :) Should be good, iv had my tan done, bought my lashes and done my nails :)
Thursday, 29 April 2010
5 and a half months later..........
I cannot believe it has been 5 and a half months since my beautiful baby boy was born.....i keep looking at his pictures and it brings me peace....when i see his beautiful little face i always feel the need to apolagise....i talk to the picture, is that normal? Like its him there, like he's gonna answer me! I wish! I keep looking at other mums and feeling jealous and i know i shouldnt but i cant help it.....i think why me, why my baby, i mean i wouldnt wish this on anybody else and wouldnt like it to be anyone else i would just like it not to be me. I seem to be feeling normal again (whatever that may be) im enjoying being back at work, having a seperate life in a kinda way.
Friday, 16 April 2010
What makes a Mother!
I thought of you, and closed my eyes and prayed to God today, i asked ''What makes a Mother?'' and i know i heard him say ''a Mother has a baby'' this we know is true. But God can you be a Mother when your baby's not with you? ''Yes you can'' he replied with confidence in his voice, ''i give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice'' Some i send for a lifetime, and others for the day and some i send to fill your womb, but theirs no need to stay. I just dont understand this God i want my baby here, he took a deep breath and cleared his throat, and then i saw the tear. ''I wish that i could show you what your child is doing today'' if you could see your child smile with all the other children and say...........we go to Earth to learn our lessons of Love, Life and Fear. My mummy loved me oh so much i got to come straight here, i feel so lucky to have a mum who had so much love for me. I learned my lessons very quick my mummy set me free, i miss my mummy oh so much, but i visit her everyday when she goes to sleep on her pillows where i lay, i stroke her hair and kiss here cheek and whisper in her ear mummy dont be sad today, i'm your baby and i'm here. So you see my dear sweet ones, your children are okay. Your babies are born here in my home, and this is where they will stay, and on the day that you come home they'll be at the gates for you. So now you see what makes a Mother, its the feeling in your heart, its the love you had so much of right from the very start, though some on Earth may not realise untill their time is done they'll be up here with me one day, and you know what............Your the best Mum!
Thursday, 15 April 2010
Working girl (in the right context)
Well my weekend was perfect! I went shopping on Saturday and got some gorgeous sandles from Primark! Gotta love Primarni haha! On Saturday we went to The Crimble, i had such a good night, and i actually felt comfortable in my own self, which is a big change from what i usually feel. I am so happy with all the weight i have lost, i can so see a difference! Sunday we realxed all day at home, love lazy Sunday's!
On Monday we had an appointment with the Consultant, im sure he thinks i come down with the last shower....he was more interested in talking about trivial other things such as his friends in Scotland, and how they ''got over'' the birth of their sleeping baby! I mean yes my heart goes out to each and every parent who has had to go through this horrible ordeal, but when i go and see my consultant i want hm to talk about me & my baby. But that was sure not on the cards! I had pre-eclampsia and every single organ in Finley's tiny body were normal/perfect....so to me that says it was the pre-eclampsia, but no.....he was like 'ummmmm, maybe it was that'' WTF Obviously it was that you plank!! Amazing what people say to try and avoid accepting responsibilty! He then told me not to brood over ''this'' and that when his Mother got breast cancer and he was so mad with the hospital for not diagnosing earlier, but eventually he had to let it go cause the stress was making him ill. I told him i will never give up, i will fight to the end of the earth to get answers for my boy! On the upside he is a fantastic surgeon and will be happy for him to deliver my next baby, he just is crap at speaking to people!
My first day back at work - I LOVED IT! Never thought id say that, but i really did, it felt so good to feel normal again, my day went really well and really quick considering it was a 12 hour shift. I got upset half way through the day as a few of the residents relatives caame in and were so happy to see me back and were asking how my baby is and how old he is now :( Made me cry but with the help of the girls i felt better after.
So today i am relaxing and not moving off the sofa! :)
Blog soon
xoxo
On Monday we had an appointment with the Consultant, im sure he thinks i come down with the last shower....he was more interested in talking about trivial other things such as his friends in Scotland, and how they ''got over'' the birth of their sleeping baby! I mean yes my heart goes out to each and every parent who has had to go through this horrible ordeal, but when i go and see my consultant i want hm to talk about me & my baby. But that was sure not on the cards! I had pre-eclampsia and every single organ in Finley's tiny body were normal/perfect....so to me that says it was the pre-eclampsia, but no.....he was like 'ummmmm, maybe it was that'' WTF Obviously it was that you plank!! Amazing what people say to try and avoid accepting responsibilty! He then told me not to brood over ''this'' and that when his Mother got breast cancer and he was so mad with the hospital for not diagnosing earlier, but eventually he had to let it go cause the stress was making him ill. I told him i will never give up, i will fight to the end of the earth to get answers for my boy! On the upside he is a fantastic surgeon and will be happy for him to deliver my next baby, he just is crap at speaking to people!
My first day back at work - I LOVED IT! Never thought id say that, but i really did, it felt so good to feel normal again, my day went really well and really quick considering it was a 12 hour shift. I got upset half way through the day as a few of the residents relatives caame in and were so happy to see me back and were asking how my baby is and how old he is now :( Made me cry but with the help of the girls i felt better after.
So today i am relaxing and not moving off the sofa! :)
Blog soon
xoxo
Friday, 9 April 2010
1 Step forward, 3 steps back!
Wow, it seems forever ago since i last blogged. Not many things have happend since my last blog......... we have started the ball rolling on the legal side of this horrible experience, so thats something. I had a bit of a moment last night, where this rush of guilt came over me, i realised i hadnt felt sad for about a week, and i felt guilty for that, what are you supposed to feel?? I really do not know. Whatever feeling i get doesnt seem to be right, when i laugh i feel guilty and when i cry i feel weak!
We had out Health visitor come round the other dya she went through my medical records, and told us not once has the midwife wrote down that i had swealing!!!!!!!! ANGRY!! I mean i told her on EVERY routine midwife visit. Also the consultant hasn't put every single note in the records, there are no blood test results! This to me shows that they are covering something up?! Maybe not, but thats my opinion!
Work time soon (scared) This Wednesday i am on an 8am-8pm shift!! Talk about throwing me in a the deep end! But i suppose once iv done one, ill be ok, i hope so anyway!
We had out Health visitor come round the other dya she went through my medical records, and told us not once has the midwife wrote down that i had swealing!!!!!!!! ANGRY!! I mean i told her on EVERY routine midwife visit. Also the consultant hasn't put every single note in the records, there are no blood test results! This to me shows that they are covering something up?! Maybe not, but thats my opinion!
Work time soon (scared) This Wednesday i am on an 8am-8pm shift!! Talk about throwing me in a the deep end! But i suppose once iv done one, ill be ok, i hope so anyway! So iv got a good weekend this weekend its our friends birthday on Saturday so we're going for a meal and a few drinks with them in Bamford (the false part of Rochdale, ha!) So i've got new clothes and i got the sexiest shoes EVER!! They're stunning! Im having a spray tan tonight and iv exfoliated, body buffed and done my nails frenchy! Love it! Im not sure how to have my hair though im sick of being boring and just having it straight and down, im thinking big, curly and bouncy!! Hmmmm....not sure yet!
How i would love my hair to be my only worry eh! I wish!
The perfect house turned into be our yet another bit of bad luck! We've got 3 viewings for other houses on Tuesday, so i hope i like one of them! We neeeeddd to get outta this one FAST! I mean i love the house, there is just too many faults i mean we've had not heating since the second week in Feb!!!! Hey - we've saved alot of money with not paying the rent though! ha!
Well, facebook calls and im gonna phone my boy and see how his day is going so far, he wont be finished till 6pm (he works bloody hard for us) :)
Blog soon
xoxo
Wednesday, 31 March 2010
Perfect!
Well we had the results for Finley's post mortem yesterday, apparentley our usual consultant was ''sick'' i think he didnt have the guts to face me & Scott! So we saw a registrar, she was very nice but knew absolutely sod all about me or the way Finley died. All she told us was Finley was PERFECT!! Every single organ was normal, then i asked about me................I CAN have more children! :) That made my face light up, i had visions of me not being able to carry again! So i then asked if i had a Placental abruption.......Yes i had a minor one but their not sure whether that was the reason!?!? Huh.....if thats the only abnomality obviously it was that!! So the Placental abruption was caused by the pre-eclampsia (i think) Nobody will tell me anything for certain, so iv made another appointment with my usual consultant, hopefully he'll be able to shed some light.
We also went to see a solicitor aswell yesterday, well we saw his secretary, she copied my medical records and we have an appointment with him next Wednesday! Fingers crossed we get somewhere! I want the BITCH sacked! Harsh i know but right i am!
So we can now start TTC yeyyyyyyy! I feel like iv waited forever! Well i dont exactly want to TRY i want stop not trying, if that makes sense!
I cannot believe it has been 17 weeks and 4 days since my beautiful boy graced this Earth!! Seem so long ago in one sense but but like yesterday in another!
We also went to see a solicitor aswell yesterday, well we saw his secretary, she copied my medical records and we have an appointment with him next Wednesday! Fingers crossed we get somewhere! I want the BITCH sacked! Harsh i know but right i am!
So we can now start TTC yeyyyyyyy! I feel like iv waited forever! Well i dont exactly want to TRY i want stop not trying, if that makes sense!
I cannot believe it has been 17 weeks and 4 days since my beautiful boy graced this Earth!! Seem so long ago in one sense but but like yesterday in another!
Friday, 26 March 2010
(Nearly) Time for work.....
Well i officially start back at work on the 14Th April and guess what shift I'm on?????? 8 friggin 8! You'd think they would give me an easy come back....hhhhmmmm nope! I'm actually really scared of going back, I'm gonna feel like a new girl all over again soo many people to meet and work with! Arghhh......scary!
I expected to go back to work when my baby boy was 6 months old, i wanted to take pictures in and take him to show everyone my beautiful baby boy.....that's not gonna happen! People say you life is mapped out...if that frigging TomTom lady is mapping my life out, she needs to resign in that job! She's doing a shit job! Iv thought allot lately about luck, some people say you make your own, but i honestly do not know, i mean if you make your own luck i would have my baby here with me now! Oh i don't know!
I went to work today to do some training........it was BORING! But anyway, to the point. I'm so sick of that sympathetic look people give me and they say ''Are you OK?'' And then stand their for a while, what seriously do they want me to say???
I just feel like everything is going back to normal, but i don't want it to, i feel like screaming ''MY BABY IS DEAD!!''
The feelings are weird, i DONT want people's sympathy but yet i don't want people to treat me the way they did before Finley was born.....weird huh! I'm so sensitive its unreal!
What really does annoy me is when people totally blank the fact i had a son out! I mean they wont mention his name, wont talk about my pregnancy....i think they think if they don't talk about it, it never happened! WELL IT DID! And i want people to talk about him i want people to know about how I'm feeling i want people to acknowledge my son! Is that so wrong???
What do i do from here? I want somebody to tell me what to do now. I mean with life, do i try and get back to the person i used to be or do i carry on being an emotional volcano just waiting for my feelings to erupt!?! I wish their was a 'Guide to grief' That would help loads!
I'm sick of worrying about death, my close friend told me something about her family member yesterday and it scared me that much i could reply to her text, and i feel so bad for it, it (death) scares the shitting life outta me!
I mean i talk to my ''new friends'' (Fellow angel mummy's) and they really do make sense, but sometimes i feel bad for asking them questions, if their having a good day and i go and ask about feelings I'm scared i will ruin their day, i mean i know whatever i say could not upset them more than they already are over their angels but i just feel bad asking!
Question: Do you think having another baby takes these feelings away?
I actually do not know the answer, i mean i would hope it did! But then in reality i don't any one thing (apart from Finley being here) would make these feelings disappear!
Sometimes i wish i was the person i used to be....i wish i didn't worry about death, i wish i didn't have these feelings i wish! But then when i sit back i think in time i will become a better person (I'm not quite sure how that works like) But people say i will....so lets go with that!
Anyway on a good note, I'm looking forward to the weekend, I'm getting a new phone tomorrow and then tomorrow night I'm having my very own Ann Summers :) Yeyyyyyyaaaa! :)
Blog soon xoxo
I expected to go back to work when my baby boy was 6 months old, i wanted to take pictures in and take him to show everyone my beautiful baby boy.....that's not gonna happen! People say you life is mapped out...if that frigging TomTom lady is mapping my life out, she needs to resign in that job! She's doing a shit job! Iv thought allot lately about luck, some people say you make your own, but i honestly do not know, i mean if you make your own luck i would have my baby here with me now! Oh i don't know!
I went to work today to do some training........it was BORING! But anyway, to the point. I'm so sick of that sympathetic look people give me and they say ''Are you OK?'' And then stand their for a while, what seriously do they want me to say???
I just feel like everything is going back to normal, but i don't want it to, i feel like screaming ''MY BABY IS DEAD!!''
The feelings are weird, i DONT want people's sympathy but yet i don't want people to treat me the way they did before Finley was born.....weird huh! I'm so sensitive its unreal!
What really does annoy me is when people totally blank the fact i had a son out! I mean they wont mention his name, wont talk about my pregnancy....i think they think if they don't talk about it, it never happened! WELL IT DID! And i want people to talk about him i want people to know about how I'm feeling i want people to acknowledge my son! Is that so wrong???
What do i do from here? I want somebody to tell me what to do now. I mean with life, do i try and get back to the person i used to be or do i carry on being an emotional volcano just waiting for my feelings to erupt!?! I wish their was a 'Guide to grief' That would help loads!
I'm sick of worrying about death, my close friend told me something about her family member yesterday and it scared me that much i could reply to her text, and i feel so bad for it, it (death) scares the shitting life outta me!
I mean i talk to my ''new friends'' (Fellow angel mummy's) and they really do make sense, but sometimes i feel bad for asking them questions, if their having a good day and i go and ask about feelings I'm scared i will ruin their day, i mean i know whatever i say could not upset them more than they already are over their angels but i just feel bad asking!
Question: Do you think having another baby takes these feelings away?
I actually do not know the answer, i mean i would hope it did! But then in reality i don't any one thing (apart from Finley being here) would make these feelings disappear!
Sometimes i wish i was the person i used to be....i wish i didn't worry about death, i wish i didn't have these feelings i wish! But then when i sit back i think in time i will become a better person (I'm not quite sure how that works like) But people say i will....so lets go with that!
Anyway on a good note, I'm looking forward to the weekend, I'm getting a new phone tomorrow and then tomorrow night I'm having my very own Ann Summers :) Yeyyyyyyaaaa! :)
Blog soon xoxo
Tuesday, 23 March 2010
What a Grieving parent wants to know!
I am not Strong - i am just numb. When you tell me that I'm strong i feel that you don't see me. I will not recover this is not a cold or the flu, I'm grieving and that's different. I will not always be grieving so intensely, but i will never forget my Finley. And rather than recover i want to incorporate his life and love into the rest of my life. Finley is part of me and always will be, and sometimes i will remember him with joy, and other times with sadness. Both are okay.
I don't have to accept death - yes i understand that it happened, and it is real, but their are somethings in life that are unacceptable.
Please don't avoid me, you cant catch my grief. My world is painful when you are afraid to call or visit or say anything. I am isolated at a time when i need to be most cared about. If you don't know what to say, just touch my arm, give me a hug and just say I'm sorry.
Please don't say to call if i need anything, ill never call because i have no idea what i need. Please send me a card on special holidays and his birthday.
Please say his name, you cannot make me cry, the tears are always there. It gives me the opportunity to shed some tears because someone cared enough to reach out to me!
R.I.P Beautiful baby boy.
I love you always and forever Finley
xxxxxx
Ronan was right.....Life is a rollercoaster!
My life seems from one extreme to another! Ronan Keating was right! Haha!
Good days/Bad days = Well i still seem to be having my good and bad days i suppose i will for a long time yet! I cannot wait to start feeling ''normal'' again. My doctor has given me anti-depressants but i really don't want to take them :( I'm scared of not being able to get off them and cause i want another baby its not the best start for a child is it?! Mother emotionally unstable! So I'm just gonna try and get through this alone and with the help of my family and friends. Ill get there in time :)
I have finally decided on my tattoo, I'm having the words:
Good days/Bad days = Well i still seem to be having my good and bad days i suppose i will for a long time yet! I cannot wait to start feeling ''normal'' again. My doctor has given me anti-depressants but i really don't want to take them :( I'm scared of not being able to get off them and cause i want another baby its not the best start for a child is it?! Mother emotionally unstable! So I'm just gonna try and get through this alone and with the help of my family and friends. Ill get there in time :)
I have finally decided on my tattoo, I'm having the words:
- Finley Too beautiful for Earth with angel wings at either side.
I cant wait to book it in, think ill go over a few sittings though :) I'm not that brave haha! Scott has his done on Saturday it looks awesome :) So proud of him, not for having a tattoo but for having Finley's name on him :)
So me and my mum went to Chester on Saturday to visit Tracy, we haven't seen her for over 10 years so it was really good to get back in touch :) We had a lovely day, we relaxed at Tracy & Charlie's and then went into Chester for a meal and some shopping, we had a Chinese banquet it was sooo yummy :) Then i bought the most gorgeous bag :) I have loads so i think its about time i started using them eh! lol!
Sunday = Me and Scott had a DVD day, i love those days, get dressed to go to Blockbuster and then come home and get back in your jamas :) We watched a few films and had a pizza :( Naughty girl. I figured if i diet 6 days a week and then eat what i want on a Sunday (to a certain degree) My metabolism will work faster! Those are my thought anyway :)
I finally received a letter about Finley's PM results we go to see the consultant on Monday, which I'm glad about but really nervous at the same time! I hope they tell me what i want to hear.
So tonight, its soaps and then yet another DVD :)
Blog soon x0x0
Tuesday, 16 March 2010
Gleeeeek!
Well i watched my first ever Glee yesterday! I love it! I haven't watched it from the start cause i was on holiday and never thought to watch it after! I think i am an official GLEEEEK! haha!
So i phoned the consultant the other day and guess what? They finally have Finley's PM results! So we have just got to wait for appointment now! Hope they don't take too long about it!
I've had a bad few day recently, i keep getting really upset, i think Mothers day kicked it all off, i mean it would of been my first Mothers day as Finley's mummy :( People tell me, it will be my time soon, but i don't cry cause I'm not a mother i cry cause I'm not a mother to Finley, well i am but I'm not at the same time.
Iv been thinking about going to a spiritualist church lately, not that i want to speak to Finley, i just want to know their is a life after this......I'm scared that there isn't! So i think the church would help me to start believing! Everything keeps going through my mind, was it me? Did i do something wrong? Have i ever done something wrong for my baby to be taken from me!
This quote really makes sense:
So i phoned the consultant the other day and guess what? They finally have Finley's PM results! So we have just got to wait for appointment now! Hope they don't take too long about it!
I've had a bad few day recently, i keep getting really upset, i think Mothers day kicked it all off, i mean it would of been my first Mothers day as Finley's mummy :( People tell me, it will be my time soon, but i don't cry cause I'm not a mother i cry cause I'm not a mother to Finley, well i am but I'm not at the same time.
Iv been thinking about going to a spiritualist church lately, not that i want to speak to Finley, i just want to know their is a life after this......I'm scared that there isn't! So i think the church would help me to start believing! Everything keeps going through my mind, was it me? Did i do something wrong? Have i ever done something wrong for my baby to be taken from me!
This quote really makes sense:
- An angel opens the book of life and wrote down my baby's birth, then she whispered as she closed the book ''to beautiful for earth''
It really seems to bring me comfort, iv been doing allot of surfing the net lately on youtube, like looking for poems and such like. I found a clip called ''What makes a Mother'' and it is so so lovely, it made me cry so much it just says like ''God - why have you taken my baby from me? Then God says If only i could show you what your child is doing today, he/she is smiling and dancing in the rain'' It really is lovely.
Thursday, 11 March 2010
Questions, maybe's & what if's!
Well i have been very anxious lately, i seem to be scared of anything and everything! I think with what i have been through these feelings i have a relatively normal!
We went to see the consultant again on Monday, what a bloody waste if time that was! He told me to Move on....hmmm not quite sure how to do that, maybe ill learn how to live with it but i don't think i will ever move on, is it even possible?
I have so many questions and now have been put in the right direction to make a complaint and take things further! So we will most definitely be in the process of doing that very soon. I asked where Finley's PM results are and also where the results are from my placenta being tested....i was told ''i don't know'' Nice! The main consultant in Rochdale and he doesn't bloody know! So were still waiting and it feels like we probably be waiting for ever more!
Motivation = Nonexistent, i seem to have no motivation what so ever lately, i mean i wanna loose weight more than anything cause when iv done that i can start trying for a baby, well i say i, i mean we! So I'm taking my step dad to the gym with me on Sunday to show me properly what machines to use.......and to TRY and make it more fun! :)
It's mothers day on Sunday and I'm looking forward to it in one way but really don't want it to come in another.....it would of been my first mothers day with Finley :( God, how i wish things were different!
R.I.P Finley.....i love you always and forever!
We went to see the consultant again on Monday, what a bloody waste if time that was! He told me to Move on....hmmm not quite sure how to do that, maybe ill learn how to live with it but i don't think i will ever move on, is it even possible?
I have so many questions and now have been put in the right direction to make a complaint and take things further! So we will most definitely be in the process of doing that very soon. I asked where Finley's PM results are and also where the results are from my placenta being tested....i was told ''i don't know'' Nice! The main consultant in Rochdale and he doesn't bloody know! So were still waiting and it feels like we probably be waiting for ever more!
Motivation = Nonexistent, i seem to have no motivation what so ever lately, i mean i wanna loose weight more than anything cause when iv done that i can start trying for a baby, well i say i, i mean we! So I'm taking my step dad to the gym with me on Sunday to show me properly what machines to use.......and to TRY and make it more fun! :)
It's mothers day on Sunday and I'm looking forward to it in one way but really don't want it to come in another.....it would of been my first mothers day with Finley :( God, how i wish things were different!
R.I.P Finley.....i love you always and forever!
Sunday, 7 March 2010
Happy freezing anniversary!
Well its mine and Scott's 2 year anniversary today, we've had a really good day, we've been in the pub and had a nice time with family and friends :) I cannot believe it has been 2 years already, where does time go?! Scott drank so much Bitter than he was sick as soon as we got home, so the Chinese we bought went in the bin! So now he's in bed and I'm freezing my arse off downstairs!
I tell you this house is so so bloody cold.....the fire has been capped and the central heating just comes on and off when it likes, only problem is we have no radiator in the living room....so we have NO heating what-so-ever! So yesterday the estate agent went out and bout a really big oil filled heater/radiator for the lounge, it was doing brilliantly warming us up until we notices that it was leaking oil alllllll over the carpet!! So now we cant use that! Hopefully something will be sorted this week I'm sick to death of waiting now! They are soooo soooo not having any rent next month!
So we've got another appointment with the consultant tomorrow, not quite sure what the hell for, cause they STILL haven't got Finley's PM results!!! 15 weeks later.......still no results!
I went to the gym this morning i have been supposedly going everyday this week but haven't gone, i just had no motivation at all! But i dragged my arse there this morning and had a good workout, and i actually felt allot better!
Blog soon
xoxo
I tell you this house is so so bloody cold.....the fire has been capped and the central heating just comes on and off when it likes, only problem is we have no radiator in the living room....so we have NO heating what-so-ever! So yesterday the estate agent went out and bout a really big oil filled heater/radiator for the lounge, it was doing brilliantly warming us up until we notices that it was leaking oil alllllll over the carpet!! So now we cant use that! Hopefully something will be sorted this week I'm sick to death of waiting now! They are soooo soooo not having any rent next month!
So we've got another appointment with the consultant tomorrow, not quite sure what the hell for, cause they STILL haven't got Finley's PM results!!! 15 weeks later.......still no results!
I went to the gym this morning i have been supposedly going everyday this week but haven't gone, i just had no motivation at all! But i dragged my arse there this morning and had a good workout, and i actually felt allot better!
Blog soon
xoxo
Wednesday, 3 March 2010
Up the Dale!
We went to watch football last night, they were surprisingly really good! 4-0 to Dale!
I was dead star struck cause we saw Darren Ferguson :) haha! It was F-F-Freezing though!
Were finally getting somewhere with the repairs on the house, we've only been reporting them for 4 BLOODY WEEKS!!! So now the managers on to the jobs, and as we speak i am waiting for a workman to come and start fixing the jobs :)
I got my medical records yesterday so have been reading through those, some of the lies are unreal. I didn't know they could lie on a medical record!! But at least we have now got them and its the big day on Monday at the consultants!
Blog soon.......
xoxo
I was dead star struck cause we saw Darren Ferguson :) haha! It was F-F-Freezing though!
Were finally getting somewhere with the repairs on the house, we've only been reporting them for 4 BLOODY WEEKS!!! So now the managers on to the jobs, and as we speak i am waiting for a workman to come and start fixing the jobs :)
I got my medical records yesterday so have been reading through those, some of the lies are unreal. I didn't know they could lie on a medical record!! But at least we have now got them and its the big day on Monday at the consultants!
Blog soon.......
xoxo
Monday, 1 March 2010
Feeling Gurrrrdddd.......
Wow it's been almost a week since my last blog....too long for me ha!
Well quite allot has happened in the last week...I found my long lost cousin, i haven't seen her since she was like 6 months old! And i cannot believe she has been living in Rochdale all this time, SMALL WORLD! So I'm taking her down to my dads tomorrow to meet the rest of the family...their dead happy to have her back, they haven't seen her for a very long time too. If only they were as happy to see me ha! Never! Black sheep i am, i have the people who i love though, my beautiful mummy, Dave my step dad (who is amazing) and my perfect boy Scott!
I have been doing really well at the gym...i had my assessment on Sunday, it went really well, iv lost more weight and its all good, my BMI is way over what it should be, but that will soon be sorted when i carry on training hard! :) The trainer set me a program and it kinda works i can do everything apart from run for 20 minutes on the treadmill (my arse has never see that much exercise EVER) So iv cut it down to power walking for 10 minutes!
I phoned up for my medical records today.....Jesus what a performance! I spoke to 4 different people before i finally got through to the right person...and then she told me the consultant STILL hadn't given permission for the records to be copied....i was so annoyed, so i phoned my mum and told her she phoned the woman back told her a few home truths and shouted a little and HEY PRESTO she miraculously found the records on the shelf! What a surprise!
So we've got the meeting with the consultant on Monday where we will hopefully get Finley's PM results (i say hopefully, the NHS will prob take another 3 months) I really hope we do get them, i just want a little bit of closure, i mean i already kinda know what their gonna say i just need my thought to be confirmed!
I am thinking of setting up a charity Golf event in Finley's memory, and all the donations are going to SANDS....i really hope we can pull it off :) I'm also thinking of planting a tree for Finley, as he was cremated i have nowhere where i can go to pay respect or whatever it is that you do when you visit ''their'' place....
So tomorrow is a busy day.....seeing mummy in the morning :) Then going meeting my cousin Holly and the rest of the family in the afternoon....then me and Scott are going to watch the footie..yey ha ha. UP THE DALE!!!!
xoxo
Wednesday, 24 February 2010
Feelings........
Well since last night i haven't stopped thinking about Finley and what would of been! I have felt shitty all day today...there is a saying, ''how do you miss something you never had?'' I'm not quite sure of the answer but i know one thing it is possible! I tried taking my mind off it and thinking of other things but seriously how do you??
I went to the gym and took my anger out there! And it felt good, like an outlet, i ran so hard on the treadmill and rowed so fast on the Rowing machine.....and it does make me feel better.
I think iv have been thinking allot lately cause we've got an appointment with the consultant in March and it is stressing me out a little.....we SHOULD hopefully get Finley's results back then (if we don't i will go mad, they told us 6 weeks not over 3 months!) So they are worrying me, what if their was something wrong with Finley? or me? or the placenta? All these different questions.....why when someone dies do we have so many questions?? Baffles me!
Sometimes i think, would i of been a good mum? i mean i know i would of of and do love him but would i of known how to wind/change/feed & soothe him? People say i am a mummy and i kinda feel like one but i don't know how to ''mother'' a baby all i know is to carry the baby.
I want those feelings though, i want to be able to do all those things for a baby, my baby, another baby.
Having a relaxing night with Scott tonight, gonna have a jacuzzi and then watch the soaps. :)
xoxo
I went to the gym and took my anger out there! And it felt good, like an outlet, i ran so hard on the treadmill and rowed so fast on the Rowing machine.....and it does make me feel better.
I think iv have been thinking allot lately cause we've got an appointment with the consultant in March and it is stressing me out a little.....we SHOULD hopefully get Finley's results back then (if we don't i will go mad, they told us 6 weeks not over 3 months!) So they are worrying me, what if their was something wrong with Finley? or me? or the placenta? All these different questions.....why when someone dies do we have so many questions?? Baffles me!
Sometimes i think, would i of been a good mum? i mean i know i would of of and do love him but would i of known how to wind/change/feed & soothe him? People say i am a mummy and i kinda feel like one but i don't know how to ''mother'' a baby all i know is to carry the baby.
I want those feelings though, i want to be able to do all those things for a baby, my baby, another baby.
Having a relaxing night with Scott tonight, gonna have a jacuzzi and then watch the soaps. :)
xoxo
Angel mummy/daddy!
Its hard to believe my Finley would be 3 months and 4 days old today..........i miss him so much!
Iv been thinking allot about getting pregnant, but at this moment I'm not sure if i want another baby or its Finley i think ill be getting at the end of the pregnancy! I mean i obviously know its not going to be Finley, I'm not making sense now!
When we first found out we were pregnant, we were so shocked, scared every emotion a young couple could feel, we also thought we wasent ready for a baby, by that time we didn't have a choice Finley was on the way.....during the pregnancy we made ourselves ready, we got a house and did everything perfect for our little boy arriving, we waited until the very end, past the end and then we had nothing. We went through everything, the midwife appointments, the scans, the back ache, the fidgety legs, the baby kicking, hiccups, when he moved his arm or leg around my tummy and when he did i took it for granted, i didn't bless and saver every single moment, now i do!
Sometimes i sit back and think, what was the point? What was the point in even getting pregnant? Then i realise Finley was sent here for a reason.....he was sent to test mine and Scotts relationship to the ultimate! And we did it and are still doing it, we are getting through it. It is the hardest thing i have ever had to do but for sure i am doing it and so is Scott.
Its amazing how something like this changes you, as a person i mean, its hard to explain how but it does, it makes you appreciate your life and those close to you. You realise that clothes, shoes, holidays, bills, cars, money and trivial things don't mean anything! Its your health, that along with loved ones that count! When i was pregnant i wanted the best this and the best that, i wanted everything to be perfect for when Finley arrived and it was......he had the best nursery the best cot the best everything! But then when it came to it, he didn't have anything he never used his cot, his moses basket and his bottles. People say i should keep them for my next baby, but how? How do i feed another baby with Finley's bottles? How do i put another baby to sleep in Finley's moses basket? Even though he never used them, they were his!!
Here's a quote i thought was very accurate to ''this'' what were going through:
Iv been thinking allot about getting pregnant, but at this moment I'm not sure if i want another baby or its Finley i think ill be getting at the end of the pregnancy! I mean i obviously know its not going to be Finley, I'm not making sense now!
When we first found out we were pregnant, we were so shocked, scared every emotion a young couple could feel, we also thought we wasent ready for a baby, by that time we didn't have a choice Finley was on the way.....during the pregnancy we made ourselves ready, we got a house and did everything perfect for our little boy arriving, we waited until the very end, past the end and then we had nothing. We went through everything, the midwife appointments, the scans, the back ache, the fidgety legs, the baby kicking, hiccups, when he moved his arm or leg around my tummy and when he did i took it for granted, i didn't bless and saver every single moment, now i do!
Sometimes i sit back and think, what was the point? What was the point in even getting pregnant? Then i realise Finley was sent here for a reason.....he was sent to test mine and Scotts relationship to the ultimate! And we did it and are still doing it, we are getting through it. It is the hardest thing i have ever had to do but for sure i am doing it and so is Scott.
Its amazing how something like this changes you, as a person i mean, its hard to explain how but it does, it makes you appreciate your life and those close to you. You realise that clothes, shoes, holidays, bills, cars, money and trivial things don't mean anything! Its your health, that along with loved ones that count! When i was pregnant i wanted the best this and the best that, i wanted everything to be perfect for when Finley arrived and it was......he had the best nursery the best cot the best everything! But then when it came to it, he didn't have anything he never used his cot, his moses basket and his bottles. People say i should keep them for my next baby, but how? How do i feed another baby with Finley's bottles? How do i put another baby to sleep in Finley's moses basket? Even though he never used them, they were his!!
Here's a quote i thought was very accurate to ''this'' what were going through:
- A wife who looses her husband is called a widow, a husband who looses his wife is called a widower, a child who looses their parents is called an orphan, there is no word for a parent who looses a child, that's how awful the loss is.
Another quote:
- When you loose a parent its loosing your past, when you loose a child its loosing your future.
Those quotes are soo true, that's exactly how it is!
Since hearing these i have heard a name what you call a parent who looses their child:
- An Angel mummy/daddy!
Sunday, 21 February 2010
Elesha & Scott day :)
Well me and Scott have agreed today is Elesha & Scott day, were too cute i tell you....today is like a double Valentines day....we relaxed in bed till like noon, then got ourselves pampered and ready.....and now were sat on the sofa relaxing, while i blog and Scott watches FOOTBALL!! ugh!
So were going for a meal soon, then were gonna walk the doggy's and then watch a movie :) I love Elesha & Scott days!!
We had a massive talk last night and i finally got Scott to open up to me, about EVERYTHING! I feel so much better now i know he's not got a ''swinging brick'' for a heart!
We've been talking about our house and we've agreed that if the jobs that NEED doing are not done they ain't getting the friggin rent! ha! I'm sure they will do the jobs when they've got no money!
I am finally having my hair done tomorrow :) Anyone would think is been year not 7 weeks! ha!
Think I'm going to more blonde this time, I'm bored of being brunette and they do say that blondes have more fun! So think that's the way forward! :)
Cant believe we well i say we i mean i have been talked into having a sunbed......well i suppose we have got enough room for it....He's like a woman, he loves the beds!
So that's where my tan is going to be coming from for the foreseeable future, until Scott gets his arse in gear and books us a bloody holiday :) I'm not sure where i fancy going....i know i certainly wont be going to NYC (which is where i want to go) Scott hates America and the Americans :(
How can anybody hate NYC?? As Alicia Keys says New York....Concrete jungle where dreams are made of....that is too true!!!
Saturday, 20 February 2010
The weekend is here :)
Well its finally the weekend (not that it means anything to me, everyday is the same! ha!) But its the time me and the boy spend some time together....we've had a good day today, went and bought some pictures for the front room....but I'm not sure whether i like them now! ha!
Then we went to Scott cousin's......hmmm that was an experience, we got to talking about Ghost's, and whether we believe in them, they do but I'm on the fence, i think i kinda believe but then I'm not quite sure, i think its ''fear of the unknown'' hmmmm I'm not sure.
God i cant wait to go to the gym on Monday.....i need some positive endorphins, I'm se
riously lacking!
riously lacking! So were relaxing tonight watching TV and then a movie!
I started my new book last night, its a Tasmina Perry one, its really good.....gutted my I heart Hollywood isn't here yet :( NY was AMAZING!! I love Lindsey Kelk......
xoxo
Friday, 19 February 2010
Slow starter....
Well i have just been browsing my profile and i have just realised i have a whopping amazing 3 followers!!! Great...haha! May as well just say ''NO FRIENDS!'' Haha!
What a bad night i had, up at 2am until 6am, then back to sleep at 7am and woke up at 10am! I really need to go to the doctors to find out what this pain is i get in my back, the doctors just do not seem to know...i have had a scan, which lead to a big fat Nothing, i have even had an Endoscopy and that didn't show anything either! But they really need to find out what it is....strange thing is, i get it every other day and when i was pregnant i didn't get it once!! Weird!!
TGIF anyway! The weekend is finally upon us :) And its GYM time, woooo! Were defo going tomorrow,cant wait! Think we'll get a DVD tomorrow night, I'm lost without my X Factor, haha!
I phoned up the NHS records department and asked where the hell my records are seen as iv been waiting since December....they will get here next week, thank god!
I also phoned my consultants Secretary and made an appointment with the consultant for March and she said by the time my appointment comes Finley's post-mortem results should most defiantly be back!! 2 bits of good news....i cant actually believe how long these results are taking....i mean it has been 3 months to the day tomorrow.....my god 3 months! It seems like it was a million years ago!
Iv come such a long way though in those 3 months...i feel like i grown as a person, iv grown into a strong (nothing bothers me) person.
I am friends with a few ladies/girls on FB and i tell you materialistic is NOT the word, all there worries are shoes, clothes, holidays, make-up, etc.....i wish my life could revolve around that....instead i worry about finding a spot on my face in case its the big C i worry about going to sleep at night and not waking up.....i worry about when the hell i am gonna be able to try for another baby....i have so much anxiety. I even worry about getting Autism with me just having had my MMR vaccine! I know its all silly, but that's just how it is, i asked the health visitor and she said its perfectly normal...i think when you have experienced first hand a life being snatched away so quick, you value your own so so much more!!
However the anxiety has got less and i dont panic as much as i did which is good.
Looking forward to relaxing with my boy this weekend........and finding out tonight ''Who killed Archie Mitchell'' hahaha, saddo!
xoxo
What a bad night i had, up at 2am until 6am, then back to sleep at 7am and woke up at 10am! I really need to go to the doctors to find out what this pain is i get in my back, the doctors just do not seem to know...i have had a scan, which lead to a big fat Nothing, i have even had an Endoscopy and that didn't show anything either! But they really need to find out what it is....strange thing is, i get it every other day and when i was pregnant i didn't get it once!! Weird!!
TGIF anyway! The weekend is finally upon us :) And its GYM time, woooo! Were defo going tomorrow,cant wait! Think we'll get a DVD tomorrow night, I'm lost without my X Factor, haha!
I phoned up the NHS records department and asked where the hell my records are seen as iv been waiting since December....they will get here next week, thank god!
I also phoned my consultants Secretary and made an appointment with the consultant for March and she said by the time my appointment comes Finley's post-mortem results should most defiantly be back!! 2 bits of good news....i cant actually believe how long these results are taking....i mean it has been 3 months to the day tomorrow.....my god 3 months! It seems like it was a million years ago!
Iv come such a long way though in those 3 months...i feel like i grown as a person, iv grown into a strong (nothing bothers me) person.
I am friends with a few ladies/girls on FB and i tell you materialistic is NOT the word, all there worries are shoes, clothes, holidays, make-up, etc.....i wish my life could revolve around that....instead i worry about finding a spot on my face in case its the big C i worry about going to sleep at night and not waking up.....i worry about when the hell i am gonna be able to try for another baby....i have so much anxiety. I even worry about getting Autism with me just having had my MMR vaccine! I know its all silly, but that's just how it is, i asked the health visitor and she said its perfectly normal...i think when you have experienced first hand a life being snatched away so quick, you value your own so so much more!!
However the anxiety has got less and i dont panic as much as i did which is good.
Looking forward to relaxing with my boy this weekend........and finding out tonight ''Who killed Archie Mitchell'' hahaha, saddo!
xoxo
Wednesday, 17 February 2010
Loosing weight!
Well im trying so so hard to loose all this baby weight.....its really starting to stress me out!
I have been going for a walk for an hour everyday.
I mean apart from starvation, what else can i do? And im NOT going down that road!! Im oing the gym today or tomorrow so gonna whack some hours in there.....iv never been so excited to excersize..haha!
Apparently it is the start of Lent today...i have decided to give up chocolate for Lent, it starts today and finshes on the 3rd of April - which means 40 days! I know i can do it i have so much motivation! Loose weight = start trying for a baby :)
Thin is definatly in! And i will be :)
It was the Brit Awards last night....ooooo i love the Brits! What great performances.....Alicia Keys & Jay Z, Lady GaGa, Robbie Williams, Florence & the machine, Cheryl Cole...they were all amazing! Apart from Cheryl Cole miming soo bad she should of been booed off!! Alicia Key & Jay Z were by far the best, they were absolutly fab! Hmmm Lady GaGa - she was...well...WEIRD! I think she is an amazing artist but her style actually scares me! Robbie Williams did a medley and he was great, goreous too, and didnt seem to be high on drugs (for a change)
I have been going for a walk for an hour everyday.
I mean apart from starvation, what else can i do? And im NOT going down that road!! Im oing the gym today or tomorrow so gonna whack some hours in there.....iv never been so excited to excersize..haha!
Apparently it is the start of Lent today...i have decided to give up chocolate for Lent, it starts today and finshes on the 3rd of April - which means 40 days! I know i can do it i have so much motivation! Loose weight = start trying for a baby :)
Thin is definatly in! And i will be :)
It was the Brit Awards last night....ooooo i love the Brits! What great performances.....Alicia Keys & Jay Z, Lady GaGa, Robbie Williams, Florence & the machine, Cheryl Cole...they were all amazing! Apart from Cheryl Cole miming soo bad she should of been booed off!! Alicia Key & Jay Z were by far the best, they were absolutly fab! Hmmm Lady GaGa - she was...well...WEIRD! I think she is an amazing artist but her style actually scares me! Robbie Williams did a medley and he was great, goreous too, and didnt seem to be high on drugs (for a change)
Monday, 15 February 2010
Valentines day 2010
Where to start..........it was Valentines day yesterday and i had a lovely day with the love of my life (how cheesy hahaha) Loved my presents of him, he's so thoughtful :)
The weekend with Bella ended quite quickly and its made me want a dog.....iv got no chance of getting a kitten so ill have the next best thing! ha! Iv seen a dog at Bleakholt animal sanctuary its a pug crossed with a caviler king Charles called Basil....he's gorgeous! Trip to Bleakholt soon me thinks!
Scott's ex is back on the scene, well not on the scene but her friend has been trying to fish for gossip! I mean it been over 2 years since he left you! Get a grip, bunny boiler! Apparently she said she's sorry for my loss and hopes were both OK, ha what a fucking laugh! I hate you, you hate me, now jog onnnn!!! Some women just cant accept a fact can they i mean i understand the stalker routine, we've all done that, when i was 17 like.....but she's 23 and had another relationship since Scott!! Come on girl.........
Ooooooo BIG news.....We have kinda set a date for our wedding! Yeyyyaa! So happy, we're so excited, just been phoning around looking for a venue for the reception today.
So my health visitor came today (i actually forgot she was coming! ha!) She's such a lovely woman.....everything she says just makes sense, maybe its her job that's taught her how to act what to say etc! The sad news is their is NO bereavement counseling anymore as the NHS wouldn't fund it...surprise surprise! I told her all the details and she defiantly thinks we have got a good case with suing the trust! What worries me though is if i do sue the trust, in my next pregnancy will Rochdale look after me???? Hmmmm maybe i should ask my consultant next time i see him!
God am i craving carbs......I'm on this strict diet...but i don't follow it at weekend so a Monday is hell for me! I mean i don't eat crap at weekend just allow myself a few treats :) Especially THIS weekend.....being Vday yesterday me and Scott more or less polished of a full box of Milk Tray.....greed, just pure bloody greed!! haha!
It's like 23:30 and i am STARVING!! I'm not giving in to food though.....i will loose all this weight so i can have another baby. That's my goal - Loose extra weight = start trying for a baby :)
I had a chat today with one of my old friends from school....such a inspiring lady/girl/woman (whatever a 21-22yr old is! ha!) She has been through so much...and now i wish her all the luck in the world! ;) She told me about a spiritualist she has been to see.....i have thought about going, but I'm scared of what they will tell me, but I'm sure there not allowed to tell you anything bad? Right? I don't know yet, ill have to have a think about it.....
I feel so much better after seeing Carole the health visitor today.....she is going to arrange a meeting well not a meeting but for one of the midwifes who looked after me during my pregnancy and i mean she actually looked after me, i mean she was brill - so she is going to arrange for J to come round to my house to have a chat about my next pregnancy....cause i am a little apprehensive......
Anyways Crossroads has just come on TV and i love Brittney hehe!
Blog soon
xoxo
Saturday, 13 February 2010
Bella....
Well we're dog sitting this weekend for Bella, we took her for a really long walk last night, got soo muddy and cold.....she loved it though! ha! Cant believe she was up crying at 6am!!! I haven't seen that time for a long while....
Its one more day until Valentines day :) I'm soo excited...eeeaaak!! Don't know why though! ha!
Hmmmmm what shall we do today?? I think we'll start by taking ells Bells for a walk again, tire her out for the day :) And then we'll go and do some food shopping....my boy is cooking a meal for us tonight :) Romantic....i know i should cook really, but he said he doesn't fancy food poisoning! Cheeky! ha!
Ill tell you about my weekend tomorrow...and put some pictures on of Bella.
xoxo
Its one more day until Valentines day :) I'm soo excited...eeeaaak!! Don't know why though! ha!
Hmmmmm what shall we do today?? I think we'll start by taking ells Bells for a walk again, tire her out for the day :) And then we'll go and do some food shopping....my boy is cooking a meal for us tonight :) Romantic....i know i should cook really, but he said he doesn't fancy food poisoning! Cheeky! ha!
Ill tell you about my weekend tomorrow...and put some pictures on of Bella.
xoxo
Friday, 12 February 2010
Emotional rolercoaster!
Well this past week has been up and down.....i keep asking myself why? Why me? What have i done that's so wrong? I would of been a good mummy, i know it.....i dream about Finley and how he grows and gets older...plays in the garden, says his first word, goes to school! Why am i dreaming this? Its never going to be. I long for another baby, my doctor told me last week if i get pregnant my baby could die...(very UN-tactful) under the circumstances....he said it cause i had my MMR jab in December and i cant get pregnant for at least 3 months :( As the months go on....i want a baby more and more each day....I'll never forget Finley but in a weird kinda way i want to replace/fill that massive hole that's in my heart...in my home, my family and my arms!
People say to me, aw can you imagine what it would be like if Finley was here?!!! Ermmm cheers for that, cause no i cant!!!
Why do we always want what we cant have.....i want to try for a baby but I'm scared of something happening...what happens if i get pregnant and the baby is born asleep again, what would i do then...? Scott says i think far too much into the future..maybe i do!
One thing thing that does annoy me.......when i see people i know who have babies, i go up to them and comment how beautiful their baby is and they go all stiff and frosty....whats that about! I'm not going to kidnap their baby, iv lost my baby not my mind!
Slimming world was a downward spiral...i went and the nasty bitch who takes the sessions told me i couldn't join as i had the wrong form, i understand but whats the nastiness about! I mean if you dint know how to speak to people...don't work with the public!! So i will get the right form and then go to a different meeting...sod her!!
Valentines day this weekend...i have asked Scott for a kitten but he is still so adamant that i AINT having one..... :( Wonder what i will get?!
Well I'm off to try and sort out my gas and electric supplier out now.....damn companies wind me up!
xoxo
People say to me, aw can you imagine what it would be like if Finley was here?!!! Ermmm cheers for that, cause no i cant!!!
Why do we always want what we cant have.....i want to try for a baby but I'm scared of something happening...what happens if i get pregnant and the baby is born asleep again, what would i do then...? Scott says i think far too much into the future..maybe i do!
One thing thing that does annoy me.......when i see people i know who have babies, i go up to them and comment how beautiful their baby is and they go all stiff and frosty....whats that about! I'm not going to kidnap their baby, iv lost my baby not my mind!
Slimming world was a downward spiral...i went and the nasty bitch who takes the sessions told me i couldn't join as i had the wrong form, i understand but whats the nastiness about! I mean if you dint know how to speak to people...don't work with the public!! So i will get the right form and then go to a different meeting...sod her!!
Valentines day this weekend...i have asked Scott for a kitten but he is still so adamant that i AINT having one..... :( Wonder what i will get?!
Well I'm off to try and sort out my gas and electric supplier out now.....damn companies wind me up!
xoxo
Monday, 8 February 2010
Loosing the weight!
I am so proud of my self this week......since 14th December i have loast 2 stone!!! Yeyyyyaa!
I start slimming world tomorrow, and im really excited to start loosing more weight and get healthy......and then we can start trying for a baby :)
Been quite a busy weekend really! We had our house warming on Saturday....my god i was soo soo drunk, i am never drinking wine with nothing on my stomach AGAIN! I was sick EVERYWHERE, not a good look.
I looked at Finley's pictures the other day too, it really upset me, cause he's not here but it did bring me peace...he is sooo beautiful and just looks like me :) I am glad i have fianlly looked though cause i still felt like i was waiting....still pregnant in a weird way, but now its like closure, i have seen my boy and he is beautiful!
Oooooo i nearly forgot, i had my tattoo :) i didnt think id brave it but iv done it! People who say ''they dont hurt'' are talking wet, cause they do hurt, its just a bearable pain....i love it!
Its Scott's name in Arabic!
People have said what if you split up, im gonna have his name on me for life...the truth is, i dont ever wanna forget Scott, even if we do split he will always be Finley's daddy and we've been through so much together, he is kinda part of me growing up.
People have also said what you gonna do when you get old? And the tattoo is their on your wrist when your 80yr old, well the truth is i might not get old! So why not...iv seen how quikly a life can be snatched away so why not live each day as it comes dont think about the future think about today...its called today/now for a reason!
Ciao for now......
Wednesday, 3 February 2010
February already!
I cannot believe how fast this year is going already..........
What happened to January?!
Well I'm looking forward to our house warming on Saturday. And then my 2 girly nights out at the end of the month! Gay village better get ready for me and Laura! I finally got my new phone today, i love it!
Been quite a busy week this week, been into work, hmmmm that was a little daunting, last time i was there i was pregnant, getting ready to meet my beautiful baby boy......spoke to a few of the girls which was nice.
Sorted all my bills out......god, that was hard work i can say I AM NEVER MOVING AGAIN!
And i also told my ''dad'' what i think of him, which surprisingly made me feel a whole lot better! He says he's gonna start being there for me now, hmmm we'll see!!
Tattoo = Friday, i cant wait! I'm scared but I'm sure ill be OK, people say if you can go through labour a tattoo is nothing, so we'll have to see haha!
Well I'm off, I'm gonna get in a nice jacuzzi bath and then watch Desperate Housewives!
What happened to January?!
Well I'm looking forward to our house warming on Saturday. And then my 2 girly nights out at the end of the month! Gay village better get ready for me and Laura! I finally got my new phone today, i love it!
Been quite a busy week this week, been into work, hmmmm that was a little daunting, last time i was there i was pregnant, getting ready to meet my beautiful baby boy......spoke to a few of the girls which was nice.
Sorted all my bills out......god, that was hard work i can say I AM NEVER MOVING AGAIN!
And i also told my ''dad'' what i think of him, which surprisingly made me feel a whole lot better! He says he's gonna start being there for me now, hmmm we'll see!!
Tattoo = Friday, i cant wait! I'm scared but I'm sure ill be OK, people say if you can go through labour a tattoo is nothing, so we'll have to see haha!
Well I'm off, I'm gonna get in a nice jacuzzi bath and then watch Desperate Housewives!
Sunday, 31 January 2010
Change of plans
We were suposed to be going shopping today, and we havent done anything!! PJ day, i love them! Think we'll have to do the shopping tomorrow!
The washer has now been plumbed in, the dryer now works and the wardobe is now built!!
So today has been quite productive..........
Scott is still having none of it on the kitten front! :( i really want one!
My skin feels really neglected at the moment, its so dry and my lips are all chapped, think a nice facial is in order, and a biigg tub of Vasaline!
The washer has now been plumbed in, the dryer now works and the wardobe is now built!!
So today has been quite productive..........
Scott is still having none of it on the kitten front! :( i really want one!
My skin feels really neglected at the moment, its so dry and my lips are all chapped, think a nice facial is in order, and a biigg tub of Vasaline!
Saturday, 30 January 2010
New beginnings......
Well, were finally here, here in our new house! I love it, I'm sat nice and warm in front of the fire (rarity)
What a performance today has been....it all started at 10am, Rob came with the Lorry.....we well i say we i mean Scott and Rob put everything in the lorry :) Then they spent half an hour trying to get the sofa's through the front door, god it was hard......Scott thinks he broke his finger, but refuses to go to A&E but ill get him there tomorrow......then we made about 10,000 trip to and from the old house to the new one! And its nearly all done, all is left to do is to plumb the washer in and build a Small wardrobe for the other bedroom.......everything else is done! Yeyyaa!!
Now i want a kitten....bu Scott is not giving in, he says he hates them, but i really want one, they are very independent so wouldn't need taking for walks or anything, so i think ill just get one from the RSPCA and tell him i found it on the street :) sly, but it will work! i hope, ha!
So now i need pictures, pictures for the walls, they look empty! So I'm gonna get one of me and Scott blown up, and iv seen a black and whit NYC one with 2 yellow cabs on it, and also seen a absolutely beautiful Audrey Hepburn one, she looks amazziing on it! But will that look OK in the front room?! Hmmm, if not ill put it on the stairs! :) I'm having it either way!
So were going shopping tomorrow, picture shopping & food shopping!
Blog soon
xoxo
Friday, 29 January 2010
Decisions decisions..........
Decisions......I've been thinking allot lately about seeing Finley's pictures, i feel ready to see them, i want to know what my baby boy looks like, I'm just scared it will take me right back to the way i felt in November......????
All the way through my pregnancy i couldn't wait to see what and who Finley looked like, i wanted to know who's features he would of had, what colour hair he would of had, if he would of had my tiny green eyes or Scotts big blue eyes, to hear what his cry would of sounded like. Because i still haven't seen Finley i sometimes feel like I'm still waiting, still waiting to see what/who he looked like. Still pregnant in some sense. Like being pregnant with no baby............god that sounds so silly, but i understand what i mean!
Scott says he's got a picture in his head of what Finley looks like, and doesn't want or need to see the pictures of him, but me.....i can't, i want to, i need to........
When i look at pictures of my friends with their children, i still get that envious feeling.....i want that so so much, i want to be a mummy, i want to see a child that has a resemblance of me and Scott, i want to have someone who loves me unconditionally, and i want to love a child unconditionally, i will love Finley till the day i close my eyes forever, but ill never feel that love back not with Finley, i want to come home from a normal day at work and my child shout ''mama'' i want to be responsible for another life.....All this i want eh?!? You know what they say, 'whats it like to want' my god its bloody hard, when i was expecting all that i was scared shitless, i was scared i wasn't going to be good enough for a child. All my friends said they couldn't imagine me with a baby, i couldn't either, but towards then end i could......my main priorities before i got pregnant were....River Island, Vodka, and having fun! God how iv changed, iv realise material things mean nothing.
Me and Scott had a discussion earlier, about what i think a woman's ''job'' is............all the feminists are going to love me now ha!
I think the main role of a woman is to bear children, keeps the world going, some say!
I want a career, i want to make something of my life, you only get one shot, and i know only too well that it can be taken away like switching a light off!
People say 'when one door closes another opens' can someone give me some directions to that open door?!
On a lighter note............i've had a really good day today, we moved some more things into the new house, and Scott glossed the doors. We went for tea at The Harvester with my mum and step dad and then went for a few drinks with our new neighbours :)
My mum = my wonderful mum, well....she is the most amazing mum is the whole world, i really dont know what i would of done without her, i love her so much.....when i was younger 14-15 i thought i knew best teenagers do right?? But now, i know mum's are always right, she has answers to every question i have, when im down she lifts me up and when i cry she comforts me and drys my tears...when im having a ''fat'' day she tell me im beautiful, and when i feel useless she tells me she's proud of me......i'm soooo lucky to have a mum like her....i hope im as good as a mum as my mum is....i hope i can take emotional pain away from my children like my mum takes it away from me.
I love you mum.
I love you Scott.
I love you Finley, always and forever.
xoxo
All the way through my pregnancy i couldn't wait to see what and who Finley looked like, i wanted to know who's features he would of had, what colour hair he would of had, if he would of had my tiny green eyes or Scotts big blue eyes, to hear what his cry would of sounded like. Because i still haven't seen Finley i sometimes feel like I'm still waiting, still waiting to see what/who he looked like. Still pregnant in some sense. Like being pregnant with no baby............god that sounds so silly, but i understand what i mean!
Scott says he's got a picture in his head of what Finley looks like, and doesn't want or need to see the pictures of him, but me.....i can't, i want to, i need to........
When i look at pictures of my friends with their children, i still get that envious feeling.....i want that so so much, i want to be a mummy, i want to see a child that has a resemblance of me and Scott, i want to have someone who loves me unconditionally, and i want to love a child unconditionally, i will love Finley till the day i close my eyes forever, but ill never feel that love back not with Finley, i want to come home from a normal day at work and my child shout ''mama'' i want to be responsible for another life.....All this i want eh?!? You know what they say, 'whats it like to want' my god its bloody hard, when i was expecting all that i was scared shitless, i was scared i wasn't going to be good enough for a child. All my friends said they couldn't imagine me with a baby, i couldn't either, but towards then end i could......my main priorities before i got pregnant were....River Island, Vodka, and having fun! God how iv changed, iv realise material things mean nothing.
Me and Scott had a discussion earlier, about what i think a woman's ''job'' is............all the feminists are going to love me now ha!
I think the main role of a woman is to bear children, keeps the world going, some say!
I want a career, i want to make something of my life, you only get one shot, and i know only too well that it can be taken away like switching a light off!
People say 'when one door closes another opens' can someone give me some directions to that open door?!
On a lighter note............i've had a really good day today, we moved some more things into the new house, and Scott glossed the doors. We went for tea at The Harvester with my mum and step dad and then went for a few drinks with our new neighbours :)
My mum = my wonderful mum, well....she is the most amazing mum is the whole world, i really dont know what i would of done without her, i love her so much.....when i was younger 14-15 i thought i knew best teenagers do right?? But now, i know mum's are always right, she has answers to every question i have, when im down she lifts me up and when i cry she comforts me and drys my tears...when im having a ''fat'' day she tell me im beautiful, and when i feel useless she tells me she's proud of me......i'm soooo lucky to have a mum like her....i hope im as good as a mum as my mum is....i hope i can take emotional pain away from my children like my mum takes it away from me.
I love you mum.
I love you Scott.
I love you Finley, always and forever.
xoxo
Thursday, 28 January 2010
Life changes
When you sit down and think about what you've achieved in your life, what do you think about? I thought my biggest achievement would of been having a son......that failed! So what do you do next? After you suffer the loss of a child, what do you set your mind to achieving next?? Maybe another baby, maybe a new job, a holiday......the answers are endless. Well I've done the holiday, I'm in the middle of moving house, then i want to achieve my goal weight and then we can start trying for a baby, i believe when you get pregnant, that's when the time is right! People say its mother nature, i think she's a faker!!
Well we picked our keys up today for the new love nest, i really do love it! I just know me and Scott are gonna be so happy there.......house parties, romantic nights in with DVDs and wine, BBQ's in the summer. Excciitteedd!!
Can't believe we had to hand £900 over to the estate agent, ouch that hurt lol.
Another thing I'm looking forward to next week is meeting baby Deacon, my best friends baby, i know its going to be hard, seeing a baby, but i do feel ready.
xoxo
Well we picked our keys up today for the new love nest, i really do love it! I just know me and Scott are gonna be so happy there.......house parties, romantic nights in with DVDs and wine, BBQ's in the summer. Excciitteedd!!
Can't believe we had to hand £900 over to the estate agent, ouch that hurt lol.
Another thing I'm looking forward to next week is meeting baby Deacon, my best friends baby, i know its going to be hard, seeing a baby, but i do feel ready.
xoxo
Wednesday, 27 January 2010
The big move...........
Tomorrow is the day!! We are more or less all packed, i cannot believe we have filled 8 black bin liners just of junk, clothes we don't want and general crap!!!
We now finally have all the money together £900 just to move house. ouch! We cant wait to get the keys tomorrow.
There's a saying ''Friday flit, short sit'' So were not moving in until Saturday :-)
I went to town yesterday (how I'm so proud to be from Rochdale) There is sooo many rough people in that town, and kids with kids as i like to say. I was supposed to be getting my tattoo done yesterday, but i bottled it ha, so i think I'm gonna try again tomorrow :-)
Went to the doctors this morning for my post natal check-up, well if that's what you call it, he didn't do much, just asked me about counseling, I'm sure people have told me they're supposed to feel your tummy to see if everything has gone into place, I'm so shy though i don't think to open my mouth and ask.......and i don't think everything has gone back to where it should be, i know this sounds silly, but the other day i tried doing some sit-ups, my god i couldn't even get up my muscles in my tummy are sooo not strong, which is why i think somethings not right. Hmmmm maybe ill go back and see a lady doctor.......?
One thing I'm dying to know.....and that's if that midwife is still working as a midwife......cause i know, I'm a care assistant and if i did/or didn't do something which resulted in a persons death, then for sure i would be hung, drawn and quartered and most definitely sacked!!! So I'm wondering what has happened to her!
Im wondering, what the hell is going on with Amazon?! I ordered about 6 books last Tuesday, and they're still not here!! They better get a move on...........
Well i hope everything goes smoothly tomorrow, Adios Rooley Street!
We now finally have all the money together £900 just to move house. ouch! We cant wait to get the keys tomorrow.
There's a saying ''Friday flit, short sit'' So were not moving in until Saturday :-)
I went to town yesterday (how I'm so proud to be from Rochdale) There is sooo many rough people in that town, and kids with kids as i like to say. I was supposed to be getting my tattoo done yesterday, but i bottled it ha, so i think I'm gonna try again tomorrow :-)
Went to the doctors this morning for my post natal check-up, well if that's what you call it, he didn't do much, just asked me about counseling, I'm sure people have told me they're supposed to feel your tummy to see if everything has gone into place, I'm so shy though i don't think to open my mouth and ask.......and i don't think everything has gone back to where it should be, i know this sounds silly, but the other day i tried doing some sit-ups, my god i couldn't even get up my muscles in my tummy are sooo not strong, which is why i think somethings not right. Hmmmm maybe ill go back and see a lady doctor.......?
One thing I'm dying to know.....and that's if that midwife is still working as a midwife......cause i know, I'm a care assistant and if i did/or didn't do something which resulted in a persons death, then for sure i would be hung, drawn and quartered and most definitely sacked!!! So I'm wondering what has happened to her!
Im wondering, what the hell is going on with Amazon?! I ordered about 6 books last Tuesday, and they're still not here!! They better get a move on...........
Well i hope everything goes smoothly tomorrow, Adios Rooley Street!
Monday, 25 January 2010
Admitting defeat.......
Today went so so well, the consultant actually admitted the NHS were in the wrong.......Finally!
He said if he'd of known about me, he would of had me sectioned straight away, so what does that say?
I only have 2 questions left now...........
- Why didnt the ''midwife'' send me up to A.N.D.U???
- Has anything been done about the silly midwife?
The main question he answered today and the one i was mostly dreading is I CAN HAVE MORE CHILDREN!!!! God it was like a big weight lifted when he told me, i could of kissed him! He also said the ''young girls'' (as thats what i am) tend to deal with greif alot quicker than older ladies, and in a weird sort of way, i do think its true, my bad days have got less and less and my good days really are good, not cause i dont care as much as a ''older lady'' cause i do, eve
n though i say i feel alot better it still breaks my heart that my beautiful baby boy isn't here!
I have so much to look forward to, that is what keeps me going, i have the best family i could ask for my mum has been an absolute rock, and then theres Scott, he deals with it in a very different way than i do, but he has been the perfect man! I love him so so much.
Tonight i have tried contacting SANDS with not much luck, i want to know where my local group is, and the website is as much use as a chocolate fireguard!
I just want to say a big GOOD LUCK to baby Deacon for his op tomorrow.
Torture..........
Some say the Japanese torture people by hanging them upside down for week, the NHS just leave people dangling for weeks which then turn into months. This time 8 weeks ago i was back home without my baby!
Today started so well, i woke with my beautiful man beside me, we had cuddles and then planned the day.....which turned out to be pub, pub and more pub. Now I'm scared to close my eyes, the fear i feel is untrue!
We have our first consultant appointment tomorrow, i keep thinking what if he says this or what if he says that, i just cant seem to relax!
I know whatever i think is not going to change what he's going to say......
I read my Facebook friends status's and they say ''up to my ears in nappies'' what i would give to be ''up to my ears in nappies!''
Some of the mothers on Facebook, i wont call them my friends cause it makes me sick, this woman has a number of children and writes on her status ''can anybody get me any weed?'' I mean seriously get a friggin grip, you have a miracle, you have a life to look after somebody relies on you......and you want weed. A child's smile, cry, laugh even poo is the only drug i long for!
Think i need to update my friend list by clicking DELETE!
Well my rant is over now and surprisingly i feel a tad better :-)
Today started so well, i woke with my beautiful man beside me, we had cuddles and then planned the day.....which turned out to be pub, pub and more pub. Now I'm scared to close my eyes, the fear i feel is untrue!
We have our first consultant appointment tomorrow, i keep thinking what if he says this or what if he says that, i just cant seem to relax!
I know whatever i think is not going to change what he's going to say......
I read my Facebook friends status's and they say ''up to my ears in nappies'' what i would give to be ''up to my ears in nappies!''
Some of the mothers on Facebook, i wont call them my friends cause it makes me sick, this woman has a number of children and writes on her status ''can anybody get me any weed?'' I mean seriously get a friggin grip, you have a miracle, you have a life to look after somebody relies on you......and you want weed. A child's smile, cry, laugh even poo is the only drug i long for!
Think i need to update my friend list by clicking DELETE!
Well my rant is over now and surprisingly i feel a tad better :-)
Thursday, 21 January 2010
St Tropez allll the wayy!
I am so so burnt, from those evil sunbeds. Al my back and legs are red raw! Now i remember why i usually have spray tans, much less dangerous on your skin!
They do Vanity is pain, but Jesus, not this much! Ha!
Well, my mum is finally back, after 16 loonngg days, she had a fab time in Thailand, and i got a gorgeous Jimmy Choo bag, it really is amaziing!
So good to have her back though.
The new house = We really need to start packing all our things up, its getting closer to our moving date.
I cannot actually believe how fast this month is going.......it's the 21st already!
The older i get the faster the years seem to go, one bad thing about ageing eh?!
People say I'm sad but I'm so glad now iv caught up with all my soaps haha! I seriously couldn't miss Marc from Emmerdale dying!! Saddo!!
Well I'm off to abuse the aftersun!!!
They do Vanity is pain, but Jesus, not this much! Ha!
Well, my mum is finally back, after 16 loonngg days, she had a fab time in Thailand, and i got a gorgeous Jimmy Choo bag, it really is amaziing!
So good to have her back though.
The new house = We really need to start packing all our things up, its getting closer to our moving date.
I cannot actually believe how fast this month is going.......it's the 21st already!
The older i get the faster the years seem to go, one bad thing about ageing eh?!
People say I'm sad but I'm so glad now iv caught up with all my soaps haha! I seriously couldn't miss Marc from Emmerdale dying!! Saddo!!
Well I'm off to abuse the aftersun!!!
Tuesday, 19 January 2010
Back to reality........
Well, we're back!
And my god its so bloody cold! We had such an amazing time, really relaxed and spent time together, just what we needed!
Sharm el Shaikh is just basically Sand, but we loved it, hotel was a tad shite but we made the most of it.
Hmmm, Tan = None existant! It was so hot i burnt really bad and then had to stay out of the sun :-( Not good! We met some really lovely people.
When you suffer a tragedy people say ''go on holiday, i will do you the world of good'', hmmm it did, but i just found i took my grief with me, the best part was to talk to people and walk down the street and not be known as ''the couple who lost their baby'' nobody knew anything they treated us like a young couple, we laughed and for the first time i didn't feel guilty for laughing!
I have now accepted that Finley will NOT blame me, and he loves me just as much as i love him!
It really was bliss!
The flight = The worse thing i have EVER experienced in my entire life! The turbulence was surreal i was so scared, the seat belt signs were on for a full 6 hours!! But my old friend ''the wine'' calmed me right down! Ha!
So my mum is back tomorrow and i cannot wait it feels like its been 16 months not 16 days, since i saw her! Wonder what gifts I've got from Thailand?!?! Ha!
As i write this Man City and Man Utd are playing, 2-1 to City! :-) I love Carlos Tevez!!
Scott's rather quiet, wonder why??? ha!
So the moving date is coming closer and closer, we're defo gonna have to start packing our things up, rapid! I cannot wait to get out of this house!
I've got so many hings to look forward to, I'm really excited for the future, one thing I'm dreading though is the appointment we have on Monday with the Consultant at Rochdale Infirmary! I somehow feel as though i have got a bit of closure, maybe it was the Holiday maybe it was that great saying'' time is a great healer'' I'm not sure! But i know that going over everything again is not going to be the best, i just hope the Consultant has some answers for us.
We went to Ikea yesterday my god what a performance that was, Scott and Ikea do Not mix! He huffed and puffed all the bloody way round! But i know have most of my Kitchenware for the new house.
Back to work soon, in a way i cant wait and in another i can, i want to get a bit of normality back in my life but yet i don't feel ready for everyone asking the in's and out's.
Well, I'm off to bed now.
Blueeeee Mooooonnnn!!!!!!!!! :-)
Friday, 8 January 2010
Dont you just love professionals?
Well, the health visitor came round yesterday, with not much information really, so I'm back to square one on the SANDS group front, so anyone with any information on a local SANDS group i would really appreciate it. But she is referring me to a councilor so that's something.....
Feeling a little bit shitty today, having one of my ''bad days''
The good days make the bad days feel so much worse! I really cannot wait to go to our appointment with the consultant on the 25th, i need some answers, i need reassurance that i can carry a child again and i need that bitch to stand in front of me and tell me she made a judgement and it was WRONG!
I'm sending off for my medical records today, can you believe i have to pay to see my own records......but it will be better than the hospital miraculously loosing them!
So iv been thinking loads about going back to work, i cant wait, i need a bit of normality back in my life. I think being around the girls at work will help me loads.
Well the snow seems to have stopped for now, i just hope it doesn't come again before Sunday.
God i'm missing my mum soo much.
Feeling a little bit shitty today, having one of my ''bad days''
The good days make the bad days feel so much worse! I really cannot wait to go to our appointment with the consultant on the 25th, i need some answers, i need reassurance that i can carry a child again and i need that bitch to stand in front of me and tell me she made a judgement and it was WRONG!
I'm sending off for my medical records today, can you believe i have to pay to see my own records......but it will be better than the hospital miraculously loosing them!
So iv been thinking loads about going back to work, i cant wait, i need a bit of normality back in my life. I think being around the girls at work will help me loads.
Well the snow seems to have stopped for now, i just hope it doesn't come again before Sunday.
God i'm missing my mum soo much.
Thursday, 7 January 2010
3 days to go.....
Well there is only 3 days untill my holiday, i sooo cannot wait! Eeeaaa!
Today im staying in, the health visitor is coming round, to refer me for counciling. Hmmm some people say they wouldnt like to talk about their problems to a stranger but i think it will do me good. The health visitor also said she was going to find out if their is a local SANDS group i could go to.
Got so many things to look forward to, when i come back off holiday me and my friend Joanne are joining SLIMMING WORLD, cant wait! I will loose this weight!
Then we have gotta pack all our stuff up to move, i really need some boxes! Cant wait for Scott pack his ''shit cupboard'' up, haha!
I'm really missing my mum at the moment, feels weird her not being at the end of the phone!
But iv got Scott and my friends to talk to so im sure ill be ok :-)
Roll on the 10th, im so sick of being known as ''that girl who lost her baby'' i cant wait to go somewhere where nobody knows me! I hate it when im talking to someone and i know all their thinking is ''poor cow''
Me and Scott are doing so well at the moment though......we both make each other strong! Although he doesnt talk much about Finley, i think it must be a bloke thing! He says he doesnt want me to worry about him cause im dealing with so much else, but sometimes i wish he would talk, sometimes i feel angry and i shout at him for forgetting about Finley, but i know he will never forget about him, he just deals with grief different to me.....but the last few days we have talked loads and its been great, i love talking about my boy and how he is in a better place, watching down on me and Scott.
My angel.
Well Facebook calls haha.
Bye for now............
Today im staying in, the health visitor is coming round, to refer me for counciling. Hmmm some people say they wouldnt like to talk about their problems to a stranger but i think it will do me good. The health visitor also said she was going to find out if their is a local SANDS group i could go to.
Got so many things to look forward to, when i come back off holiday me and my friend Joanne are joining SLIMMING WORLD, cant wait! I will loose this weight!
Then we have gotta pack all our stuff up to move, i really need some boxes! Cant wait for Scott pack his ''shit cupboard'' up, haha!
I'm really missing my mum at the moment, feels weird her not being at the end of the phone!
But iv got Scott and my friends to talk to so im sure ill be ok :-)
Roll on the 10th, im so sick of being known as ''that girl who lost her baby'' i cant wait to go somewhere where nobody knows me! I hate it when im talking to someone and i know all their thinking is ''poor cow''
Me and Scott are doing so well at the moment though......we both make each other strong! Although he doesnt talk much about Finley, i think it must be a bloke thing! He says he doesnt want me to worry about him cause im dealing with so much else, but sometimes i wish he would talk, sometimes i feel angry and i shout at him for forgetting about Finley, but i know he will never forget about him, he just deals with grief different to me.....but the last few days we have talked loads and its been great, i love talking about my boy and how he is in a better place, watching down on me and Scott.
My angel.
Well Facebook calls haha.
Bye for now............
Wednesday, 6 January 2010
The white stuff.......
Well SNOW is all over the news....i tell you this country comes to a grinding halt as soon as the stuff hits the floor! English people panic wayyyo much!
I wasn't able to write yesterday, my Internet was playing up......
Yesterday i went to my friends and had a good old gossip :-)
Had a really good chat with my Auntie yesterday, really helped me with the way I'm feeling, you know when you talk to someone and everything they say makes sense, that's her!
Cant believe how much i have got to do before we go on holiday, i leave EVERYTHING to the last minute.......I'll do it though!
The news is now saying that the airport is being opened and closed throughout the day, to clear the snow off the runways.....it better be open on Sunday!
I wonder what the airports in Canada do? I bet they don't shut!!! Manchester/Liverpool etc need to be more well equipped!
Well today is the 6th it the day the Christmas decorations come down, i have stuck to the exact day, I'm not jinxing my luck for this year, Lol.
I hate taking the Decs down, AND I've gotta do my mums as well!! 2 Christmas trees!
Think i might just throw them both in the loft with them still dressed ha! Ready for next year!
So, i wonder if my mum is enjoying Bangkok? I bet she is! She flies to Phuket either today or tommorow, which then turns into the beach part of the holiday!
Can't believe i missed her call......well, it was at 1 am this morning! lol!
Jeremy Kyle has just come on the TV. God i hate this program its full of Scruffs! Turn OVER!!
Well i better go and get in the FREEZING cold shower (not my choice the boiler in this house is crap!)
Seeya'll later.................xoxo
Monday, 4 January 2010
Stinky toes.....
Well i must start by saying my feet actually stink tonight, think its cause my feet have been wet all day, with this crap snow!! ha!!
Glad i shared that small embarrassment :-)
Well, we're back home from the airport now.......saying bye to my mum always makes me cry! She's so excited about flying with Emirates! ha! I hope she has a fantastic holiday though!
So day 4 of the diet is going well. Fish, boiled potato's and loadsa veg for tea....yummy.....i'm starving!
So glad my book came from Amazon today, cant wait to loose myself in it on the beach....
I was looking at the pictures of our hotel, it looks lovely.
Well its soap night, so i'm off to watch them all.
Reality.....
Well the Christmas and New Year season is now officially over.....and everyone's back to work! Apart from me, and my mum and step dad, their off to Thailand this afternoon!
Me and Scott are taking them to the airport at 3pm!
Well i can say that i ACTUALLY hate this weather, i got in the shower this morning and it kept shooting cold water out of it! I sounded like a wild/screaming banchi!
So....now I'm gonna get ready do my hair and stuff, then go and see my friend!
The snow is still here, apparently its here till Feb!!!!
Well i did all my packing last night, how good am i?
Just a few more bits to buy and pack.......
Yesterday was good, we went to buy yet more shorts for Scott, he must have at least 15 pairs, were only going for 7 days! ha! And then we went to the Pub!
I was amazed how many people talk to me.......must feel sorry for me eh! God i hate sympathy, but yet i want everyone to be nice to me cause I'm Sooo sensitive. Everybody gives me that ''poor cow'' smile, and the talks amongst themselves........
Scott's gone back to work today, its not likely he'll be doing much cause the course is full of bloody snow, so his day will probably involve have a few hours sleep in the shed and then watching all the children sledge! And he gets paid for that!!
Anyway i better do my hair........be back later!
Saturday, 2 January 2010
2010 is my year.....
Well, its now the 2nd January 2010, and my god i just know its gonna be a better year than last. NYE went really well and i must say i actually enjoyed the night, spending time with my family and welcoming the New Year with open arms.
We had a lovely meal....a few (to many) drinks, and a chat.
So its now 8 days untill Egypt and im soo not ready, i have no toiletries or anything!
Think i'll be visiting ASDA later.......and i'll pack my suitcase later in the week, im so unorginised!
This year has so many exciting things to look forward to, which are:
- Holiday, firstly Egypt and then defo some nice summer sun.
- Moving into our gorgeous new house.
- Having a messy house party :-)
- LOTS of nights out with my girls and of course my boy.
- A BIG Valentines day/night.
- Mine and Scott 2nd year anniversarry.
- My 22nd birthday.
- Loosing all my baby weight.
- And much more.........
I cannot believe the weather outside, its like a snow blizzard, it's coming down thick and fast and although i do love it, im getting bored of having wet feet, ruined boots and cold hands!
So...i've got a month left of being a 'lady of leisure', im definatly going back to work next month, sitting at home is driving me mad, and lets face it their only so many people you can visit!
Well i think ill start my day and move my arse of this sofa..............
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