Tuesday, 19 April 2011
It's been 17 months since my Finley was born and changed my life forever....yet I still don't know how to act, whether I'm done with the grieving part of my life?? I sit alone and often wonder, wonder where I would be and how good of a mother I'd be to a 17 month old!? I mean now in my current thoughts I actually could never imagine myself being a mother...is that weird?! When I got pregnant with Finley I always felt my dreams had come true I had my man a baby on the way a house a job everything some people and I now now can only dream of.
I go to work and pretend I'm fine, I pretend I'm a happy go lucky "normal" 22 yr old....when really I still 17 months later feel numb, empty and a failure!
When does Grief end?
Some months all I think about is getting pregnant and having that family iv always dreamed of! I kind of rely on the plan for that, what else could I do?
People tend to be very wary of what they say in front of me I can see when the word baby is mentioned people look at me with sorrow, pity & somehow even guilt in their eyes! I want to be able to talk about my boy! After all Finley IS my son!!
Tuesday, 22 March 2011
Seriously time for a catch up...
Well Christmas was awesome had a really lovely day with my boy and the family.
I worked all over NY so it wasn't memorable lol.
Iv started my therapy too, it seems to really be helping me, it's supposed to change your thought process, it's not changing it yet it is making ne think more about the reason why I panic and get worried so much.
Well work wise WAS going really well, iv been promoted to senior and now can administer medication alone I have nearly completed a full advanced medication course so I'm alot more confident than I was. The reason why I wrote WAS is because we've had a few changed and I'm not into change especially when I think it's not for the better. And when people think they can speak to me like a 12 year old scroat, I may look young but I'm not that 18 nieve girl anymore, iv been through too much shit to take it!!! So anyway I have an employment application for somewhere else so we'll see how that goes :)
Monday, 22 November 2010
Elwhen I think about it thus time 12 months ago my baby boy was still kicking andhavin hiccups god I wish I couldturn back time.
Finleys heart stopped on the 26th and he aS born sleeping into this world on the 28th I miss him so much!
So me ands Scott have been talking and I THINK I have persuaded him to let us start trying for another baby next year, which I'm really happy about. I want a baby so bad and I think as time has gone on iv realised i'm ready for another baby I know it's not gonna be finley and at last I feel at peace with that!
Wednesday, 10 November 2010
Yes, i have been promoted to senior :) After 3 years of working my arse off, i have finally achieved it, i mean its not the bee all and end all, but it means alot to me, it means the managment trust me, it means im good enough :) So im really happy about the whole work situation now!
This time last year i had 8 days to go untill my life would of been complete, my boy, my Finley was due on the 18/11/2009.
He was born on the 28/11/2009, so in 18 days it will be/would be his 1st birthday......
I've been thinking about what we could do on that day and have decided i want to go out for the day, go for a nice meal with my fam and then release some lanterns at night. Send them upto my beautiful son.
I wish i had one more chance to tell him i love him, i mean do you think he knows that i do?! I never told him......ooooo regret! It eats at you!
I seem to be in a whirlwind at the moment, i feel happy, i feel content and then i remember!
My feelings are all over the place, i feel the same as i did back then i feel angry, i feel sad, hazy, not in control.....not at ease! Is that normal??
Recently a lady died who i worked with, she was our admin at work. What a wonderful lady...but again taken too soon. I also work with her daughter, my god what a girl, i couldnt even imagine what she is going through i mean my mum is my world and they were so close. She still writes little messages on her mums facebook wall, and i swear my heart aches for her. She seems so brave on the outside such a strong girl, but i understand its not strong its survival.
You have two choices when you loose somebody close, you either get through it (not over it) or you break down. Crying is NOT breaking down, my mum used to tell me tears are pearls and every cry is one less to the end of the "grief" tunnel.
R.I.P Karen. I hope your dancing with the stars.
And if you can hear me, tell Finley i love him.
The brightest star in the sky..............my boy, my Finley.
Wednesday, 3 November 2010
So what i have i been up to since?!
My birthday: Was fab!
My holiday: Was fab, hotel was a little "shite" but we made the most of it and loved our time there. We met some really nice people :)
Work: Well that is a subject, the day after i came back off holiday i got a call from one of the interviews id been to before i went, they were offering me the job, it was to work with Young disabled adults with Huntingtons and brain injury. So i ACCEPTED! I handed my notice in at work and was all set to start at the new job on the 8th November......then i changed my mind. I figured it was only 7p an hour more than what im on now, and i wouldn't be able to take my "unfinished" NVQ 3 with me. So i revoked my notice :)
Well they do say its a womans perogative to change her mind haha. Just not 1 week before i was leaving! Oh well. As they say the grass isnt always greener!
The baby situation: I am feeling very broody at the moment.....alot of people i know are having babies!
I think also it has alot to do with it's almost a year since Finley was born. This time last year i had 15 days untill my due date, we were sooo excited and scared all at the same time, WE, me and Scott were finally going to get to meet our little Prince, we were finally going to see this brand new baby who we'd made out of love and who had made us so happy for 40 whole weeks, who we'd both felt kick and hiccup in my tummy (and who'd also made his mummy look like a WHALE) haha. Then devastation!
Now me and Scott SHOULD be planning Finley's 1st birthday party and getting all little presents for our boy, BUT we are deciding what to do on our Baby boy's 1st Angelversary! What i would give.........
Since my last blog i have got ANOTHER doggy, so now we have 2!! Must be bloody mad haha!
Fuddles & Cocoa! Their sisters and are great :)
Loving all the attitude on FB at the moment.....people take it so seriously! It's a Social Networking site not your freaking Day-to-day diary! #justsayin.
Friday, 6 August 2010
I also got a new addition to my little family, my new beautiful doggy Fuddles :) She's a cocker spaniel and she is so cute. Me and Scott have both said we have tried our hand at children, that FAILED, so now its time to try dogs. Ha.
So iv been off work for 2 weeks now, i was so exhausted with everything with being pregnant and all that goes with it. So its my first day back tomorrow, not that i am looking forward to it. I think its defiantly time to move on in my career, iv been there for nearly 3 years and my passion is slowly starting to fade. I mean don't get me wrong i really love my job, i love what i do and i love making a difference to peoples lives. I like the job satisfaction but that has gone, i feel unappreciated and i get spoken to the way somebody would speak to a dog!
So i think its time to go, i think its time to find something new, something that excites me and something i am going to get satisfaction from. Hmmmmmmm......but what though?
So its like 8 weeks from my holiday, wow i cannot wait! Get me on that beach baby, sipping cocktails with my boo. I think i am defo gonna have to pay a few visits to the sunbed salon before we go, I'm so WHITE! Not the best look for a beach babe haha. Iv still got loads of shopping to do, iv not bought a thing.
Summer this year has just been non existent. I am right now sat at home, on August 6th with THE FIRE ON! Yes I'm so cold and outside its grey, cold and rainy! That's our summer. Not that I'm complaining, i actually hate the English heat, its so sticky and clammy. Just ughhhh!
Well I'm off to the pictures with my mum today, gonna have a Nice girly day :)
Tuesday, 6 July 2010
All these things i wonder and i'll never ever get to know. All i can do is look at his pictures.......When a couple get pregnant they expect all the ''normal'' things to happen, like the birth, then the sleepless nights and then seeing your child grow and seeing it change from a baby to a toddler from a toddler to going to school, going on family holidays, christenings, parents evenings, other children knocking on the door seeing if your child is playing out, i have nothing all i have is a few pictures, what is that! My baby which i carried for 41 weeks i went through the whole pregnancy, the jelly legs, the heartburn, the not being able to sleep, the swelling, the tiredness, all that FOR A PICTURE! I guess im just feeling a little angry today, i see other mums and, yes i do feel envious. I think what have they got that i havent, what did i do so wrong, what is wrong with me.....people say they can only dream of having a guardian angel, but i actually have one. Well let me tell you, i dont want one, i want my baby!
When i do look look at other mums or mums to be i do feel envious but i also feel hope, i feel that your baby dieing is not normal and it doesnt happen to everyone, one day i will have a child to hold in my arms, to come home from work to and to love uncondtionally. I mean i love Finley unconditionally but its the not the same, i know he is my baby and he's apart of me and scott but he's not here, i cant share his life with him.
So where do you go from here, what is the ''next step''???
Sometimes i feel so guilty about thoughts that i have, sometimes i think i wish id never got pregnant, the feelings that the pregnancy has left me with i wouldnt wish on my worst enemy. I have panic attacks, i have health anxiety about mostly me but my close family also. I am convinced if i have got a headache it is a brain tumor......i hate these feelings. Will i ever feel normal again, will i ever not have a care in the world. I doesnt seem it at the moment. And then other times i feel so honoured to have been able to share myself, my life and well my body with the most perfect little boy who ever graced this earth. (Well he sure graced my Earth)
It is actually suprising what writing your feelings down does for you, it makes them clear and able to control, what iv probably written doesnt make sence to anyone but it does to me.
R.I.P Beautiful baby Finley
I love you with all my heart.
My 3rd muskateer.
Tuesday, 8 June 2010
So what have I been up to recently?
Well I'm still plodding on at work, I love being back, feeling normal again and being treated like a 21 tear old! I hated all the sympathy looks and poor cow smiles!
I went for my first counciling appointment yesterday, it was like an assesment on which type of counciling would be beneficial to me most. So the lady I saw Lynn is referring me for CBT (congenital behaviour therapy, not sure if that is spelt correct) so I just recurve a call from Lynn to arrange my first session.
We talked about: what is the one wordtjat describes my feelings best......fear! So she wants to concentrate on the anxiety, health fears, and panic attacks. Which I am happy with!
This TTC is starting to wind me up, I am now 10 days late so I did 2 tests which both come up negative! So if I'm not pregnant where the he'll is my period?!
I'm off work this week for a weeks holiday! So I'm trying my hand at cooking, yesterday I did Shepards pie and today I'm gonna try Cheese an onion pie :)
I will blog again sometime this week!
Saturday, 22 May 2010
I seem to have my ''goal'' head on at the moment, i want to be somebody in this life, you only get one shot after all. So im looking into starting my next NVQ :)
We have had alot of feed back from the solicitor, he's read through all the notes and the PM results and it turns out, there very incomplete.....their was more tests that were supposed to be done on Finley and either they have done them and havent given us the results, in which case i want to know why, or they havent done the tests, in which case im doing them for gross misconduct! So we just have to wait and see what they write back to our solicitor.
Well were going out tonight, me, Scott, Joanne and Dave :) Should be good, iv had my tan done, bought my lashes and done my nails :)
Thursday, 29 April 2010
Thursday, 15 April 2010
On Monday we had an appointment with the Consultant, im sure he thinks i come down with the last shower....he was more interested in talking about trivial other things such as his friends in Scotland, and how they ''got over'' the birth of their sleeping baby! I mean yes my heart goes out to each and every parent who has had to go through this horrible ordeal, but when i go and see my consultant i want hm to talk about me & my baby. But that was sure not on the cards! I had pre-eclampsia and every single organ in Finley's tiny body were normal/perfect....so to me that says it was the pre-eclampsia, but no.....he was like 'ummmmm, maybe it was that'' WTF Obviously it was that you plank!! Amazing what people say to try and avoid accepting responsibilty! He then told me not to brood over ''this'' and that when his Mother got breast cancer and he was so mad with the hospital for not diagnosing earlier, but eventually he had to let it go cause the stress was making him ill. I told him i will never give up, i will fight to the end of the earth to get answers for my boy! On the upside he is a fantastic surgeon and will be happy for him to deliver my next baby, he just is crap at speaking to people!
My first day back at work - I LOVED IT! Never thought id say that, but i really did, it felt so good to feel normal again, my day went really well and really quick considering it was a 12 hour shift. I got upset half way through the day as a few of the residents relatives caame in and were so happy to see me back and were asking how my baby is and how old he is now :( Made me cry but with the help of the girls i felt better after.
So today i am relaxing and not moving off the sofa! :)
Friday, 9 April 2010
We had out Health visitor come round the other dya she went through my medical records, and told us not once has the midwife wrote down that i had swealing!!!!!!!! ANGRY!! I mean i told her on EVERY routine midwife visit. Also the consultant hasn't put every single note in the records, there are no blood test results! This to me shows that they are covering something up?! Maybe not, but thats my opinion!
Wednesday, 31 March 2010
We also went to see a solicitor aswell yesterday, well we saw his secretary, she copied my medical records and we have an appointment with him next Wednesday! Fingers crossed we get somewhere! I want the BITCH sacked! Harsh i know but right i am!
So we can now start TTC yeyyyyyyy! I feel like iv waited forever! Well i dont exactly want to TRY i want stop not trying, if that makes sense!
I cannot believe it has been 17 weeks and 4 days since my beautiful boy graced this Earth!! Seem so long ago in one sense but but like yesterday in another!
Friday, 26 March 2010
I expected to go back to work when my baby boy was 6 months old, i wanted to take pictures in and take him to show everyone my beautiful baby boy.....that's not gonna happen! People say you life is mapped out...if that frigging TomTom lady is mapping my life out, she needs to resign in that job! She's doing a shit job! Iv thought allot lately about luck, some people say you make your own, but i honestly do not know, i mean if you make your own luck i would have my baby here with me now! Oh i don't know!
I went to work today to do some training........it was BORING! But anyway, to the point. I'm so sick of that sympathetic look people give me and they say ''Are you OK?'' And then stand their for a while, what seriously do they want me to say???
I just feel like everything is going back to normal, but i don't want it to, i feel like screaming ''MY BABY IS DEAD!!''
The feelings are weird, i DONT want people's sympathy but yet i don't want people to treat me the way they did before Finley was born.....weird huh! I'm so sensitive its unreal!
What really does annoy me is when people totally blank the fact i had a son out! I mean they wont mention his name, wont talk about my pregnancy....i think they think if they don't talk about it, it never happened! WELL IT DID! And i want people to talk about him i want people to know about how I'm feeling i want people to acknowledge my son! Is that so wrong???
What do i do from here? I want somebody to tell me what to do now. I mean with life, do i try and get back to the person i used to be or do i carry on being an emotional volcano just waiting for my feelings to erupt!?! I wish their was a 'Guide to grief' That would help loads!
I'm sick of worrying about death, my close friend told me something about her family member yesterday and it scared me that much i could reply to her text, and i feel so bad for it, it (death) scares the shitting life outta me!
I mean i talk to my ''new friends'' (Fellow angel mummy's) and they really do make sense, but sometimes i feel bad for asking them questions, if their having a good day and i go and ask about feelings I'm scared i will ruin their day, i mean i know whatever i say could not upset them more than they already are over their angels but i just feel bad asking!
Question: Do you think having another baby takes these feelings away?
I actually do not know the answer, i mean i would hope it did! But then in reality i don't any one thing (apart from Finley being here) would make these feelings disappear!
Sometimes i wish i was the person i used to be....i wish i didn't worry about death, i wish i didn't have these feelings i wish! But then when i sit back i think in time i will become a better person (I'm not quite sure how that works like) But people say i will....so lets go with that!
Anyway on a good note, I'm looking forward to the weekend, I'm getting a new phone tomorrow and then tomorrow night I'm having my very own Ann Summers :) Yeyyyyyyaaaa! :)
Blog soon xoxo
Tuesday, 23 March 2010
Good days/Bad days = Well i still seem to be having my good and bad days i suppose i will for a long time yet! I cannot wait to start feeling ''normal'' again. My doctor has given me anti-depressants but i really don't want to take them :( I'm scared of not being able to get off them and cause i want another baby its not the best start for a child is it?! Mother emotionally unstable! So I'm just gonna try and get through this alone and with the help of my family and friends. Ill get there in time :)
I have finally decided on my tattoo, I'm having the words:
- Finley Too beautiful for Earth with angel wings at either side.
I cant wait to book it in, think ill go over a few sittings though :) I'm not that brave haha! Scott has his done on Saturday it looks awesome :) So proud of him, not for having a tattoo but for having Finley's name on him :)
So me and my mum went to Chester on Saturday to visit Tracy, we haven't seen her for over 10 years so it was really good to get back in touch :) We had a lovely day, we relaxed at Tracy & Charlie's and then went into Chester for a meal and some shopping, we had a Chinese banquet it was sooo yummy :) Then i bought the most gorgeous bag :) I have loads so i think its about time i started using them eh! lol!
Sunday = Me and Scott had a DVD day, i love those days, get dressed to go to Blockbuster and then come home and get back in your jamas :) We watched a few films and had a pizza :( Naughty girl. I figured if i diet 6 days a week and then eat what i want on a Sunday (to a certain degree) My metabolism will work faster! Those are my thought anyway :)
I finally received a letter about Finley's PM results we go to see the consultant on Monday, which I'm glad about but really nervous at the same time! I hope they tell me what i want to hear.
So tonight, its soaps and then yet another DVD :)
Blog soon x0x0
Tuesday, 16 March 2010
So i phoned the consultant the other day and guess what? They finally have Finley's PM results! So we have just got to wait for appointment now! Hope they don't take too long about it!
I've had a bad few day recently, i keep getting really upset, i think Mothers day kicked it all off, i mean it would of been my first Mothers day as Finley's mummy :( People tell me, it will be my time soon, but i don't cry cause I'm not a mother i cry cause I'm not a mother to Finley, well i am but I'm not at the same time.
Iv been thinking about going to a spiritualist church lately, not that i want to speak to Finley, i just want to know their is a life after this......I'm scared that there isn't! So i think the church would help me to start believing! Everything keeps going through my mind, was it me? Did i do something wrong? Have i ever done something wrong for my baby to be taken from me!
This quote really makes sense:
- An angel opens the book of life and wrote down my baby's birth, then she whispered as she closed the book ''to beautiful for earth''
It really seems to bring me comfort, iv been doing allot of surfing the net lately on youtube, like looking for poems and such like. I found a clip called ''What makes a Mother'' and it is so so lovely, it made me cry so much it just says like ''God - why have you taken my baby from me? Then God says If only i could show you what your child is doing today, he/she is smiling and dancing in the rain'' It really is lovely.
Thursday, 11 March 2010
We went to see the consultant again on Monday, what a bloody waste if time that was! He told me to Move on....hmmm not quite sure how to do that, maybe ill learn how to live with it but i don't think i will ever move on, is it even possible?
I have so many questions and now have been put in the right direction to make a complaint and take things further! So we will most definitely be in the process of doing that very soon. I asked where Finley's PM results are and also where the results are from my placenta being tested....i was told ''i don't know'' Nice! The main consultant in Rochdale and he doesn't bloody know! So were still waiting and it feels like we probably be waiting for ever more!
Motivation = Nonexistent, i seem to have no motivation what so ever lately, i mean i wanna loose weight more than anything cause when iv done that i can start trying for a baby, well i say i, i mean we! So I'm taking my step dad to the gym with me on Sunday to show me properly what machines to use.......and to TRY and make it more fun! :)
It's mothers day on Sunday and I'm looking forward to it in one way but really don't want it to come in another.....it would of been my first mothers day with Finley :( God, how i wish things were different!
R.I.P Finley.....i love you always and forever!
Sunday, 7 March 2010
I tell you this house is so so bloody cold.....the fire has been capped and the central heating just comes on and off when it likes, only problem is we have no radiator in the living room....so we have NO heating what-so-ever! So yesterday the estate agent went out and bout a really big oil filled heater/radiator for the lounge, it was doing brilliantly warming us up until we notices that it was leaking oil alllllll over the carpet!! So now we cant use that! Hopefully something will be sorted this week I'm sick to death of waiting now! They are soooo soooo not having any rent next month!
So we've got another appointment with the consultant tomorrow, not quite sure what the hell for, cause they STILL haven't got Finley's PM results!!! 15 weeks later.......still no results!
I went to the gym this morning i have been supposedly going everyday this week but haven't gone, i just had no motivation at all! But i dragged my arse there this morning and had a good workout, and i actually felt allot better!