Well today i feel so lonely and down, i just dont know what is wrong with me. When i sit on my own in the house i wonder what Finley woulda/shoulda been doing now, like would he be rolling over, would he be nearly crawling, what would his voice sound like, and would he of liked the sound of it (like his daddy)
All these things i wonder and i'll never ever get to know. All i can do is look at his pictures.......When a couple get pregnant they expect all the ''normal'' things to happen, like the birth, then the sleepless nights and then seeing your child grow and seeing it change from a baby to a toddler from a toddler to going to school, going on family holidays, christenings, parents evenings, other children knocking on the door seeing if your child is playing out, i have nothing all i have is a few pictures, what is that! My baby which i carried for 41 weeks i went through the whole pregnancy, the jelly legs, the heartburn, the not being able to sleep, the swelling, the tiredness, all that FOR A PICTURE! I guess im just feeling a little angry today, i see other mums and, yes i do feel envious. I think what have they got that i havent, what did i do so wrong, what is wrong with me.....people say they can only dream of having a guardian angel, but i actually have one. Well let me tell you, i dont want one, i want my baby!
When i do look look at other mums or mums to be i do feel envious but i also feel hope, i feel that your baby dieing is not normal and it doesnt happen to everyone, one day i will have a child to hold in my arms, to come home from work to and to love uncondtionally. I mean i love Finley unconditionally but its the not the same, i know he is my baby and he's apart of me and scott but he's not here, i cant share his life with him.
So where do you go from here, what is the ''next step''???
Sometimes i feel so guilty about thoughts that i have, sometimes i think i wish id never got pregnant, the feelings that the pregnancy has left me with i wouldnt wish on my worst enemy. I have panic attacks, i have health anxiety about mostly me but my close family also. I am convinced if i have got a headache it is a brain tumor......i hate these feelings. Will i ever feel normal again, will i ever not have a care in the world. I doesnt seem it at the moment. And then other times i feel so honoured to have been able to share myself, my life and well my body with the most perfect little boy who ever graced this earth. (Well he sure graced my Earth)
It is actually suprising what writing your feelings down does for you, it makes them clear and able to control, what iv probably written doesnt make sence to anyone but it does to me.
R.I.P Beautiful baby Finley
I love you with all my heart.
My 3rd muskateer.