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Friday, 29 January 2010

Decisions decisions..........

Decisions......I've been thinking allot lately about seeing Finley's pictures, i feel ready to see them, i want to know what my baby boy looks like, I'm just scared it will take me right back to the way i felt in November......????
All the way through my pregnancy i couldn't wait to see what and who Finley looked like, i wanted to know who's features he would of had, what colour hair he would of had, if he would of had my tiny green eyes or Scotts big blue eyes, to hear what his cry would of sounded like. Because i still haven't seen Finley i sometimes feel like I'm still waiting, still waiting to see what/who he looked like. Still pregnant in some sense. Like being pregnant with no baby............god that sounds so silly, but i understand what i mean!
Scott says he's got a picture in his head of what Finley looks like, and doesn't want or need to see the pictures of him, but me.....i can't, i want to, i need to........

When i look at pictures of my friends with their children, i still get that envious feeling.....i want that so so much, i want to be a mummy, i want to see a child that has a resemblance of me and Scott, i want to have someone who loves me unconditionally, and i want to love a child unconditionally, i will love Finley till the day i close my eyes forever, but ill never feel that love back not with Finley, i want to come home from a normal day at work and my child shout ''mama'' i want to be responsible for another life.....All this i want eh?!? You know what they say, 'whats it like to want' my god its bloody hard, when i was expecting all that i was scared shitless, i was scared i wasn't going to be good enough for a child. All my friends said they couldn't imagine me with a baby, i couldn't either, but towards then end i main priorities before i got pregnant were....River Island, Vodka, and having fun! God how iv changed, iv realise material things mean nothing.

Me and Scott had a discussion earlier, about what i think a woman's ''job'' is............all the feminists are going to love me now ha!
I think the main role of a woman is to bear children, keeps the world going, some say!
I want a career, i want to make something of my life, you only get one shot, and i know only too well that it can be taken away like switching a light off!

People say 'when one door closes another opens' can someone give me some directions to that open door?!

On a lighter note............i've had a really good day today, we moved some more things into the new house, and Scott glossed the doors. We went for tea at The Harvester with my mum and step dad and then went for a few drinks with our new neighbours :)

My mum = my wonderful mum, well....she is the most amazing mum is the whole world, i really dont know what i would of done without her, i love her so much.....when i was younger 14-15 i thought i knew best teenagers do right?? But now, i know mum's are always right, she has answers to every question i have, when im down she lifts me up and when i cry she comforts me and drys my tears...when im having a ''fat'' day she tell me im beautiful, and when i feel useless she tells me she's proud of me......i'm soooo lucky to have a mum like her....i hope im as good as a mum as my mum is....i hope i can take emotional pain away from my children like my mum takes it away from me.
I love you mum.
I love you Scott.
I love you Finley, always and forever.


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