My personal online blog!
My life, love, likes
& dislikes!

Wednesday, 31 March 2010


Well we had the results for Finley's post mortem yesterday, apparentley our usual consultant was ''sick'' i think he didnt have the guts to face me & Scott! So we saw a registrar, she was very nice but knew absolutely sod all about me or the way Finley died. All she told us was Finley was PERFECT!! Every single organ was normal, then i asked about me................I CAN have more children! :) That made my face light up, i had visions of me not being able to carry again! So i then asked if i had a Placental abruption.......Yes i had a minor one but their not sure whether that was the reason!?!? Huh.....if thats the only abnomality obviously it was that!! So the Placental abruption was caused by the pre-eclampsia (i think) Nobody will tell me anything for certain, so iv made another appointment with my usual consultant, hopefully he'll be able to shed some light.

We also went to see a solicitor aswell yesterday, well we saw his secretary, she copied my medical records and we have an appointment with him next Wednesday! Fingers crossed we get somewhere! I want the BITCH sacked! Harsh i know but right i am!

So we can now start TTC yeyyyyyyy! I feel like iv waited forever! Well i dont exactly want to TRY i want stop not trying, if that makes sense!

I cannot believe it has been 17 weeks and 4 days since my beautiful boy graced this Earth!! Seem so long ago in one sense but but like yesterday in another!

Friday, 26 March 2010

(Nearly) Time for work.....

Well i officially start back at work on the 14Th April and guess what shift I'm on?????? 8 friggin 8! You'd think they would give me an easy come back....hhhhmmmm nope! I'm actually really scared of going back, I'm gonna feel like a new girl all over again soo many people to meet and work with! Arghhh......scary!
I expected to go back to work when my baby boy was 6 months old, i wanted to take pictures in and take him to show everyone my beautiful baby boy.....that's not gonna happen! People say you life is mapped out...if that frigging TomTom lady is mapping my life out, she needs to resign in that job! She's doing a shit job! Iv thought allot lately about luck, some people say you make your own, but i honestly do not know, i mean if you make your own luck i would have my baby here with me now! Oh i don't know!

I went to work today to do some was BORING! But anyway, to the point. I'm so sick of that sympathetic look people give me and they say ''Are you OK?'' And then stand their for a while, what seriously do they want me to say???
I just feel like everything is going back to normal, but i don't want it to, i feel like screaming ''MY BABY IS DEAD!!''
The feelings are weird, i DONT want people's sympathy but yet i don't want people to treat me the way they did before Finley was born.....weird huh! I'm so sensitive its unreal!

What really does annoy me is when people totally blank the fact i had a son out! I mean they wont mention his name, wont talk about my pregnancy....i think they think if they don't talk about it, it never happened! WELL IT DID! And i want people to talk about him i want people to know about how I'm feeling i want people to acknowledge my son! Is that so wrong???

What do i do from here? I want somebody to tell me what to do now. I mean with life, do i try and get back to the person i used to be or do i carry on being an emotional volcano just waiting for my feelings to erupt!?! I wish their was a 'Guide to grief' That would help loads!
I'm sick of worrying about death, my close friend told me something about her family member yesterday and it scared me that much i could reply to her text, and i feel so bad for it, it (death) scares the shitting life outta me!
I mean i talk to my ''new friends'' (Fellow angel mummy's) and they really do make sense, but sometimes i feel bad for asking them questions, if their having a good day and i go and ask about feelings I'm scared i will ruin their day, i mean i know whatever i say could not upset them more than they already are over their angels but i just feel bad asking!

Question: Do you think having another baby takes these feelings away?
I actually do not know the answer, i mean i would hope it did! But then in reality i don't any one thing (apart from Finley being here) would make these feelings disappear!

Sometimes i wish i was the person i used to be....i wish i didn't worry about death, i wish i didn't have these feelings i wish! But then when i sit back i think in time i will become a better person (I'm not quite sure how that works like) But people say i lets go with that!

Anyway on a good note, I'm looking forward to the weekend, I'm getting a new phone tomorrow and then tomorrow night I'm having my very own Ann Summers :) Yeyyyyyyaaaa! :)

Blog soon xoxo

Tuesday, 23 March 2010

What a Grieving parent wants to know!

I am not Strong - i am just numb. When you tell me that I'm strong i feel that you don't see me. I will not recover this is not a cold or the flu, I'm grieving and that's different. I will not always be grieving so intensely, but i will never forget my Finley. And rather than recover i want to incorporate his life and love into the rest of my life. Finley is part of me and always will be, and sometimes i will remember him with joy, and other times with sadness. Both are okay.

I don't have to accept death - yes i understand that it happened, and it is real, but their are somethings in life that are unacceptable.

Please don't avoid me, you cant catch my grief. My world is painful when you are afraid to call or visit or say anything. I am isolated at a time when i need to be most cared about. If you don't know what to say, just touch my arm, give me a hug and just say I'm sorry.

Please don't say to call if i need anything, ill never call because i have no idea what i need. Please send me a card on special holidays and his birthday.

Please say his name, you cannot make me cry, the tears are always there. It gives me the opportunity to shed some tears because someone cared enough to reach out to me!

R.I.P Beautiful baby boy.

I love you always and forever Finley


Ronan was right.....Life is a rollercoaster!

My life seems from one extreme to another! Ronan Keating was right! Haha!
Good days/Bad days = Well i still seem to be having my good and bad days i suppose i will for a long time yet! I cannot wait to start feeling ''normal'' again. My doctor has given me anti-depressants but i really don't want to take them :( I'm scared of not being able to get off them and cause i want another baby its not the best start for a child is it?! Mother emotionally unstable! So I'm just gonna try and get through this alone and with the help of my family and friends. Ill get there in time :)

I have finally decided on my tattoo, I'm having the words:
  • Finley Too beautiful for Earth with angel wings at either side.

I cant wait to book it in, think ill go over a few sittings though :) I'm not that brave haha! Scott has his done on Saturday it looks awesome :) So proud of him, not for having a tattoo but for having Finley's name on him :)

So me and my mum went to Chester on Saturday to visit Tracy, we haven't seen her for over 10 years so it was really good to get back in touch :) We had a lovely day, we relaxed at Tracy & Charlie's and then went into Chester for a meal and some shopping, we had a Chinese banquet it was sooo yummy :) Then i bought the most gorgeous bag :) I have loads so i think its about time i started using them eh! lol!

Sunday = Me and Scott had a DVD day, i love those days, get dressed to go to Blockbuster and then come home and get back in your jamas :) We watched a few films and had a pizza :( Naughty girl. I figured if i diet 6 days a week and then eat what i want on a Sunday (to a certain degree) My metabolism will work faster! Those are my thought anyway :)

I finally received a letter about Finley's PM results we go to see the consultant on Monday, which I'm glad about but really nervous at the same time! I hope they tell me what i want to hear.

So tonight, its soaps and then yet another DVD :)

Blog soon x0x0

Tuesday, 16 March 2010


Well i watched my first ever Glee yesterday! I love it! I haven't watched it from the start cause i was on holiday and never thought to watch it after! I think i am an official GLEEEEK! haha!

So i phoned the consultant the other day and guess what? They finally have Finley's PM results! So we have just got to wait for appointment now! Hope they don't take too long about it!

I've had a bad few day recently, i keep getting really upset, i think Mothers day kicked it all off, i mean it would of been my first Mothers day as Finley's mummy :( People tell me, it will be my time soon, but i don't cry cause I'm not a mother i cry cause I'm not a mother to Finley, well i am but I'm not at the same time.
Iv been thinking about going to a spiritualist church lately, not that i want to speak to Finley, i just want to know their is a life after this......I'm scared that there isn't! So i think the church would help me to start believing! Everything keeps going through my mind, was it me? Did i do something wrong? Have i ever done something wrong for my baby to be taken from me!
This quote really makes sense:
  • An angel opens the book of life and wrote down my baby's birth, then she whispered as she closed the book ''to beautiful for earth''

It really seems to bring me comfort, iv been doing allot of surfing the net lately on youtube, like looking for poems and such like. I found a clip called ''What makes a Mother'' and it is so so lovely, it made me cry so much it just says like ''God - why have you taken my baby from me? Then God says If only i could show you what your child is doing today, he/she is smiling and dancing in the rain'' It really is lovely.

Thursday, 11 March 2010

Questions, maybe's & what if's!

Well i have been very anxious lately, i seem to be scared of anything and everything! I think with what i have been through these feelings i have a relatively normal!

We went to see the consultant again on Monday, what a bloody waste if time that was! He told me to Move on....hmmm not quite sure how to do that, maybe ill learn how to live with it but i don't think i will ever move on, is it even possible?
I have so many questions and now have been put in the right direction to make a complaint and take things further! So we will most definitely be in the process of doing that very soon. I asked where Finley's PM results are and also where the results are from my placenta being tested....i was told ''i don't know'' Nice! The main consultant in Rochdale and he doesn't bloody know! So were still waiting and it feels like we probably be waiting for ever more!

Motivation = Nonexistent, i seem to have no motivation what so ever lately, i mean i wanna loose weight more than anything cause when iv done that i can start trying for a baby, well i say i, i mean we! So I'm taking my step dad to the gym with me on Sunday to show me properly what machines to use.......and to TRY and make it more fun! :)
It's mothers day on Sunday and I'm looking forward to it in one way but really don't want it to come in would of been my first mothers day with Finley :( God, how i wish things were different!

R.I.P Finley.....i love you always and forever!

Sunday, 7 March 2010

Happy freezing anniversary!

Well its mine and Scott's 2 year anniversary today, we've had a really good day, we've been in the pub and had a nice time with family and friends :) I cannot believe it has been 2 years already, where does time go?! Scott drank so much Bitter than he was sick as soon as we got home, so the Chinese we bought went in the bin! So now he's in bed and I'm freezing my arse off downstairs!
I tell you this house is so so bloody cold.....the fire has been capped and the central heating just comes on and off when it likes, only problem is we have no radiator in the living we have NO heating what-so-ever! So yesterday the estate agent went out and bout a really big oil filled heater/radiator for the lounge, it was doing brilliantly warming us up until we notices that it was leaking oil alllllll over the carpet!! So now we cant use that! Hopefully something will be sorted this week I'm sick to death of waiting now! They are soooo soooo not having any rent next month!

So we've got another appointment with the consultant tomorrow, not quite sure what the hell for, cause they STILL haven't got Finley's PM results!!! 15 weeks later.......still no results!
I went to the gym this morning i have been supposedly going everyday this week but haven't gone, i just had no motivation at all! But i dragged my arse there this morning and had a good workout, and i actually felt allot better!

Blog soon

Wednesday, 3 March 2010

Up the Dale!

We went to watch football last night, they were surprisingly really good! 4-0 to Dale!
I was dead star struck cause we saw Darren Ferguson :) haha! It was F-F-Freezing though!
Were finally getting somewhere with the repairs on the house, we've only been reporting them for 4 BLOODY WEEKS!!! So now the managers on to the jobs, and as we speak i am waiting for a workman to come and start fixing the jobs :)

I got my medical records yesterday so have been reading through those, some of the lies are unreal. I didn't know they could lie on a medical record!! But at least we have now got them and its the big day on Monday at the consultants!
Blog soon.......


Monday, 1 March 2010

Feeling Gurrrrdddd.......

Wow it's been almost a week since my last blog....too long for me ha!
Well quite allot has happened in the last week...I found my long lost cousin, i haven't seen her since she was like 6 months old! And i cannot believe she has been living in Rochdale all this time, SMALL WORLD! So I'm taking her down to my dads tomorrow to meet the rest of the family...their dead happy to have her back, they haven't seen her for a very long time too. If only they were as happy to see me ha! Never! Black sheep i am, i have the people who i love though, my beautiful mummy, Dave my step dad (who is amazing) and my perfect boy Scott!

I have been doing really well at the gym...i had my assessment on Sunday, it went really well, iv lost more weight and its all good, my BMI is way over what it should be, but that will soon be sorted when i carry on training hard! :) The trainer set me a program and it kinda works i can do everything apart from run for 20 minutes on the treadmill (my arse has never see that much exercise EVER) So iv cut it down to power walking for 10 minutes!

I phoned up for my medical records today.....Jesus what a performance! I spoke to 4 different people before i finally got through to the right person...and then she told me the consultant STILL hadn't given permission for the records to be copied....i was so annoyed, so i phoned my mum and told her she phoned the woman back told her a few home truths and shouted a little and HEY PRESTO she miraculously found the records on the shelf! What a surprise!

So we've got the meeting with the consultant on Monday where we will hopefully get Finley's PM results (i say hopefully, the NHS will prob take another 3 months) I really hope we do get them, i just want a little bit of closure, i mean i already kinda know what their gonna say i just need my thought to be confirmed!

I am thinking of setting up a charity Golf event in Finley's memory, and all the donations are going to SANDS....i really hope we can pull it off :) I'm also thinking of planting a tree for Finley, as he was cremated i have nowhere where i can go to pay respect or whatever it is that you do when you visit ''their'' place....

So tomorrow is a busy day.....seeing mummy in the morning :) Then going meeting my cousin Holly and the rest of the family in the afternoon....then me and Scott are going to watch the footie..yey ha ha. UP THE DALE!!!!


Happy, happy, happy!!!

Happy, happy, happy!!!