Well i officially start back at work on the 14Th April and guess what shift I'm on?????? 8 friggin 8! You'd think they would give me an easy come back....hhhhmmmm nope! I'm actually really scared of going back, I'm gonna feel like a new girl all over again soo many people to meet and work with! Arghhh......scary!
I expected to go back to work when my baby boy was 6 months old, i wanted to take pictures in and take him to show everyone my beautiful baby boy.....that's not gonna happen! People say you life is mapped out...if that frigging TomTom lady is mapping my life out, she needs to resign in that job! She's doing a shit job! Iv thought allot lately about luck, some people say you make your own, but i honestly do not know, i mean if you make your own luck i would have my baby here with me now! Oh i don't know!
I went to work today to do some training........it was BORING! But anyway, to the point. I'm so sick of that sympathetic look people give me and they say ''Are you OK?'' And then stand their for a while, what seriously do they want me to say???
I just feel like everything is going back to normal, but i don't want it to, i feel like screaming ''MY BABY IS DEAD!!''
The feelings are weird, i DONT want people's sympathy but yet i don't want people to treat me the way they did before Finley was born.....weird huh! I'm so sensitive its unreal!
What really does annoy me is when people totally blank the fact i had a son out! I mean they wont mention his name, wont talk about my pregnancy....i think they think if they don't talk about it, it never happened! WELL IT DID! And i want people to talk about him i want people to know about how I'm feeling i want people to acknowledge my son! Is that so wrong???
What do i do from here? I want somebody to tell me what to do now. I mean with life, do i try and get back to the person i used to be or do i carry on being an emotional volcano just waiting for my feelings to erupt!?! I wish their was a 'Guide to grief' That would help loads!
I'm sick of worrying about death, my close friend told me something about her family member yesterday and it scared me that much i could reply to her text, and i feel so bad for it, it (death) scares the shitting life outta me!
I mean i talk to my ''new friends'' (Fellow angel mummy's) and they really do make sense, but sometimes i feel bad for asking them questions, if their having a good day and i go and ask about feelings I'm scared i will ruin their day, i mean i know whatever i say could not upset them more than they already are over their angels but i just feel bad asking!
Question: Do you think having another baby takes these feelings away?
I actually do not know the answer, i mean i would hope it did! But then in reality i don't any one thing (apart from Finley being here) would make these feelings disappear!
Sometimes i wish i was the person i used to be....i wish i didn't worry about death, i wish i didn't have these feelings i wish! But then when i sit back i think in time i will become a better person (I'm not quite sure how that works like) But people say i will....so lets go with that!
Anyway on a good note, I'm looking forward to the weekend, I'm getting a new phone tomorrow and then tomorrow night I'm having my very own Ann Summers :) Yeyyyyyyaaaa! :)
Blog soon xoxo