My personal online blog!
My life, love, likes
& dislikes!

Sunday, 31 January 2010

Change of plans

We were suposed to be going shopping today, and we havent done anything!! PJ day, i love them! Think we'll have to do the shopping tomorrow!
The washer has now been plumbed in, the dryer now works and the wardobe is now built!!
So today has been quite productive..........
Scott is still having none of it on the kitten front! :( i really want one!

My skin feels really neglected at the moment, its so dry and my lips are all chapped, think a nice facial is in order, and a biigg tub of Vasaline!

Saturday, 30 January 2010

New beginnings......

Well, were finally here, here in our new house! I love it, I'm sat nice and warm in front of the fire (rarity)

What a performance today has all started at 10am, Rob came with the Lorry.....we well i say we i mean Scott and Rob put everything in the lorry :) Then they spent half an hour trying to get the sofa's through the front door, god it was hard......Scott thinks he broke his finger, but refuses to go to A&E but ill get him there tomorrow......then we made about 10,000 trip to and from the old house to the new one! And its nearly all done, all is left to do is to plumb the washer in and build a Small wardrobe for the other bedroom.......everything else is done! Yeyyaa!!

Now i want a kitten....bu Scott is not giving in, he says he hates them, but i really want one, they are very independent so wouldn't need taking for walks or anything, so i think ill just get one from the RSPCA and tell him i found it on the street :) sly, but it will work! i hope, ha!

So now i need pictures, pictures for the walls, they look empty! So I'm gonna get one of me and Scott blown up, and iv seen a black and whit NYC one with 2 yellow cabs on it, and also seen a absolutely beautiful Audrey Hepburn one, she looks amazziing on it! But will that look OK in the front room?! Hmmm, if not ill put it on the stairs! :) I'm having it either way!

So were going shopping tomorrow, picture shopping & food shopping!

Blog soon


Friday, 29 January 2010

Decisions decisions..........

Decisions......I've been thinking allot lately about seeing Finley's pictures, i feel ready to see them, i want to know what my baby boy looks like, I'm just scared it will take me right back to the way i felt in November......????
All the way through my pregnancy i couldn't wait to see what and who Finley looked like, i wanted to know who's features he would of had, what colour hair he would of had, if he would of had my tiny green eyes or Scotts big blue eyes, to hear what his cry would of sounded like. Because i still haven't seen Finley i sometimes feel like I'm still waiting, still waiting to see what/who he looked like. Still pregnant in some sense. Like being pregnant with no baby............god that sounds so silly, but i understand what i mean!
Scott says he's got a picture in his head of what Finley looks like, and doesn't want or need to see the pictures of him, but me.....i can't, i want to, i need to........

When i look at pictures of my friends with their children, i still get that envious feeling.....i want that so so much, i want to be a mummy, i want to see a child that has a resemblance of me and Scott, i want to have someone who loves me unconditionally, and i want to love a child unconditionally, i will love Finley till the day i close my eyes forever, but ill never feel that love back not with Finley, i want to come home from a normal day at work and my child shout ''mama'' i want to be responsible for another life.....All this i want eh?!? You know what they say, 'whats it like to want' my god its bloody hard, when i was expecting all that i was scared shitless, i was scared i wasn't going to be good enough for a child. All my friends said they couldn't imagine me with a baby, i couldn't either, but towards then end i main priorities before i got pregnant were....River Island, Vodka, and having fun! God how iv changed, iv realise material things mean nothing.

Me and Scott had a discussion earlier, about what i think a woman's ''job'' is............all the feminists are going to love me now ha!
I think the main role of a woman is to bear children, keeps the world going, some say!
I want a career, i want to make something of my life, you only get one shot, and i know only too well that it can be taken away like switching a light off!

People say 'when one door closes another opens' can someone give me some directions to that open door?!

On a lighter note............i've had a really good day today, we moved some more things into the new house, and Scott glossed the doors. We went for tea at The Harvester with my mum and step dad and then went for a few drinks with our new neighbours :)

My mum = my wonderful mum, well....she is the most amazing mum is the whole world, i really dont know what i would of done without her, i love her so much.....when i was younger 14-15 i thought i knew best teenagers do right?? But now, i know mum's are always right, she has answers to every question i have, when im down she lifts me up and when i cry she comforts me and drys my tears...when im having a ''fat'' day she tell me im beautiful, and when i feel useless she tells me she's proud of me......i'm soooo lucky to have a mum like her....i hope im as good as a mum as my mum is....i hope i can take emotional pain away from my children like my mum takes it away from me.
I love you mum.
I love you Scott.
I love you Finley, always and forever.


Thursday, 28 January 2010

Life changes

When you sit down and think about what you've achieved in your life, what do you think about? I thought my biggest achievement would of been having a son......that failed! So what do you do next? After you suffer the loss of a child, what do you set your mind to achieving next?? Maybe another baby, maybe a new job, a holiday......the answers are endless. Well I've done the holiday, I'm in the middle of moving house, then i want to achieve my goal weight and then we can start trying for a baby, i believe when you get pregnant, that's when the time is right! People say its mother nature, i think she's a faker!!

Well we picked our keys up today for the new love nest, i really do love it! I just know me and Scott are gonna be so happy parties, romantic nights in with DVDs and wine, BBQ's in the summer. Excciitteedd!!
Can't believe we had to hand £900 over to the estate agent, ouch that hurt lol.

Another thing I'm looking forward to next week is meeting baby Deacon, my best friends baby, i know its going to be hard, seeing a baby, but i do feel ready.


Wednesday, 27 January 2010

The big move...........

Tomorrow is the day!! We are more or less all packed, i cannot believe we have filled 8 black bin liners just of junk, clothes we don't want and general crap!!!
We now finally have all the money together £900 just to move house. ouch! We cant wait to get the keys tomorrow.
There's a saying ''Friday flit, short sit'' So were not moving in until Saturday :-)
I went to town yesterday (how I'm so proud to be from Rochdale) There is sooo many rough people in that town, and kids with kids as i like to say. I was supposed to be getting my tattoo done yesterday, but i bottled it ha, so i think I'm gonna try again tomorrow :-)

Went to the doctors this morning for my post natal check-up, well if that's what you call it, he didn't do much, just asked me about counseling, I'm sure people have told me they're supposed to feel your tummy to see if everything has gone into place, I'm so shy though i don't think to open my mouth and ask.......and i don't think everything has gone back to where it should be, i know this sounds silly, but the other day i tried doing some sit-ups, my god i couldn't even get up my muscles in my tummy are sooo not strong, which is why i think somethings not right. Hmmmm maybe ill go back and see a lady doctor.......?

One thing I'm dying to know.....and that's if that midwife is still working as a midwife......cause i know, I'm a care assistant and if i did/or didn't do something which resulted in a persons death, then for sure i would be hung, drawn and quartered and most definitely sacked!!! So I'm wondering what has happened to her!

Im wondering, what the hell is going on with Amazon?! I ordered about 6 books last Tuesday, and they're still not here!! They better get a move on...........

Well i hope everything goes smoothly tomorrow, Adios Rooley Street!

Monday, 25 January 2010

Admitting defeat.......

Today went so so well, the consultant actually admitted the NHS were in the wrong.......Finally!

He said if he'd of known about me, he would of had me sectioned straight away, so what does that say?

I only have 2 questions left now...........

  • Why didnt the ''midwife'' send me up to A.N.D.U???

  • Has anything been done about the silly midwife?

The main question he answered today and the one i was mostly dreading is I CAN HAVE MORE CHILDREN!!!! God it was like a big weight lifted when he told me, i could of kissed him! He also said the ''young girls'' (as thats what i am) tend to deal with greif alot quicker than older ladies, and in a weird sort of way, i do think its true, my bad days have got less and less and my good days really are good, not cause i dont care as much as a ''older lady'' cause i do, even though i say i feel alot better it still breaks my heart that my beautiful baby boy isn't here!

I have so much to look forward to, that is what keeps me going, i have the best family i could ask for my mum has been an absolute rock, and then theres Scott, he deals with it in a very different way than i do, but he has been the perfect man! I love him so so much.

Tonight i have tried contacting SANDS with not much luck, i want to know where my local group is, and the website is as much use as a chocolate fireguard!

I just want to say a big GOOD LUCK to baby Deacon for his op tomorrow.


Some say the Japanese torture people by hanging them upside down for week, the NHS just leave people dangling for weeks which then turn into months. This time 8 weeks ago i was back home without my baby!

Today started so well, i woke with my beautiful man beside me, we had cuddles and then planned the day.....which turned out to be pub, pub and more pub. Now I'm scared to close my eyes, the fear i feel is untrue!
We have our first consultant appointment tomorrow, i keep thinking what if he says this or what if he says that, i just cant seem to relax!
I know whatever i think is not going to change what he's going to say......
I read my Facebook friends status's and they say ''up to my ears in nappies'' what i would give to be ''up to my ears in nappies!''
Some of the mothers on Facebook, i wont call them my friends cause it makes me sick, this woman has a number of children and writes on her status ''can anybody get me any weed?'' I mean seriously get a friggin grip, you have a miracle, you have a life to look after somebody relies on you......and you want weed. A child's smile, cry, laugh even poo is the only drug i long for!
Think i need to update my friend list by clicking DELETE!

Well my rant is over now and surprisingly i feel a tad better :-)

Thursday, 21 January 2010

St Tropez allll the wayy!

I am so so burnt, from those evil sunbeds. Al my back and legs are red raw! Now i remember why i usually have spray tans, much less dangerous on your skin!
They do Vanity is pain, but Jesus, not this much! Ha!

Well, my mum is finally back, after 16 loonngg days, she had a fab time in Thailand, and i got a gorgeous Jimmy Choo bag, it really is amaziing!
So good to have her back though.

The new house = We really need to start packing all our things up, its getting closer to our moving date.
I cannot actually believe how fast this month is's the 21st already!
The older i get the faster the years seem to go, one bad thing about ageing eh?!
People say I'm sad but I'm so glad now iv caught up with all my soaps haha! I seriously couldn't miss Marc from Emmerdale dying!! Saddo!!

Well I'm off to abuse the aftersun!!!

Tuesday, 19 January 2010

Back to reality........

Well, we're back!

And my god its so bloody cold! We had such an amazing time, really relaxed and spent time together, just what we needed!

Sharm el Shaikh is just basically Sand, but we loved it, hotel was a tad shite but we made the most of it.

Hmmm, Tan = None existant! It was so hot i burnt really bad and then had to stay out of the sun :-( Not good! We met some really lovely people.

When you suffer a tragedy people say ''go on holiday, i will do you the world of good'', hmmm it did, but i just found i took my grief with me, the best part was to talk to people and walk down the street and not be known as ''the couple who lost their baby'' nobody knew anything they treated us like a young couple, we laughed and for the first time i didn't feel guilty for laughing!

I have now accepted that Finley will NOT blame me, and he loves me just as much as i love him!

It really was bliss!

The flight = The worse thing i have EVER experienced in my entire life! The turbulence was surreal i was so scared, the seat belt signs were on for a full 6 hours!! But my old friend ''the wine'' calmed me right down! Ha!

So my mum is back tomorrow and i cannot wait it feels like its been 16 months not 16 days, since i saw her! Wonder what gifts I've got from Thailand?!?! Ha!

As i write this Man City and Man Utd are playing, 2-1 to City! :-) I love Carlos Tevez!!

Scott's rather quiet, wonder why??? ha!

So the moving date is coming closer and closer, we're defo gonna have to start packing our things up, rapid! I cannot wait to get out of this house!

I've got so many hings to look forward to, I'm really excited for the future, one thing I'm dreading though is the appointment we have on Monday with the Consultant at Rochdale Infirmary! I somehow feel as though i have got a bit of closure, maybe it was the Holiday maybe it was that great saying'' time is a great healer'' I'm not sure! But i know that going over everything again is not going to be the best, i just hope the Consultant has some answers for us.

We went to Ikea yesterday my god what a performance that was, Scott and Ikea do Not mix! He huffed and puffed all the bloody way round! But i know have most of my Kitchenware for the new house.

Back to work soon, in a way i cant wait and in another i can, i want to get a bit of normality back in my life but yet i don't feel ready for everyone asking the in's and out's.

Well, I'm off to bed now.

Blueeeee Mooooonnnn!!!!!!!!! :-)

Friday, 8 January 2010

Dont you just love professionals?

Well, the health visitor came round yesterday, with not much information really, so I'm back to square one on the SANDS group front, so anyone with any information on a local SANDS group i would really appreciate it. But she is referring me to a councilor so that's something.....

Feeling a little bit shitty today, having one of my ''bad days''
The good days make the bad days feel so much worse! I really cannot wait to go to our appointment with the consultant on the 25th, i need some answers, i need reassurance that i can carry a child again and i need that bitch to stand in front of me and tell me she made a judgement and it was WRONG!
I'm sending off for my medical records today, can you believe i have to pay to see my own records......but it will be better than the hospital miraculously loosing them!

So iv been thinking loads about going back to work, i cant wait, i need a bit of normality back in my life. I think being around the girls at work will help me loads.

Well the snow seems to have stopped for now, i just hope it doesn't come again before Sunday.
God i'm missing my mum soo much.

Thursday, 7 January 2010

3 days to go.....

Well there is only 3 days untill my holiday, i sooo cannot wait! Eeeaaa!

Today im staying in, the health visitor is coming round, to refer me for counciling. Hmmm some people say they wouldnt like to talk about their problems to a stranger but i think it will do me good. The health visitor also said she was going to find out if their is a local SANDS group i could go to.
Got so many things to look forward to, when i come back off holiday me and my friend Joanne are joining SLIMMING WORLD, cant wait! I will loose this weight!
Then we have gotta pack all our stuff up to move, i really need some boxes! Cant wait for Scott pack his ''shit cupboard'' up, haha!

I'm really missing my mum at the moment, feels weird her not being at the end of the phone!
But iv got Scott and my friends to talk to so im sure ill be ok :-)

Roll on the 10th, im so sick of being known as ''that girl who lost her baby'' i cant wait to go somewhere where nobody knows me! I hate it when im talking to someone and i know all their thinking is ''poor cow''

Me and Scott are doing so well at the moment though......we both make each other strong! Although he doesnt talk much about Finley, i think it must be a bloke thing! He says he doesnt want me to worry about him cause im dealing with so much else, but sometimes i wish he would talk, sometimes i feel angry and i shout at him for forgetting about Finley, but i know he will never forget about him, he just deals with grief different to me.....but the last few days we have talked loads and its been great, i love talking about my boy and how he is in a better place, watching down on me and Scott.
My angel.

Well Facebook calls haha.
Bye for now............

Wednesday, 6 January 2010

The white stuff.......

Well SNOW is all over the news....i tell you this country comes to a grinding halt as soon as the stuff hits the floor! English people panic wayyyo much!

I wasn't able to write yesterday, my Internet was playing up......

Yesterday i went to my friends and had a good old gossip :-)

Had a really good chat with my Auntie yesterday, really helped me with the way I'm feeling, you know when you talk to someone and everything they say makes sense, that's her!

Cant believe how much i have got to do before we go on holiday, i leave EVERYTHING to the last minute.......I'll do it though!

The news is now saying that the airport is being opened and closed throughout the day, to clear the snow off the better be open on Sunday!

I wonder what the airports in Canada do? I bet they don't shut!!! Manchester/Liverpool etc need to be more well equipped!

Well today is the 6th it the day the Christmas decorations come down, i have stuck to the exact day, I'm not jinxing my luck for this year, Lol.

I hate taking the Decs down, AND I've gotta do my mums as well!! 2 Christmas trees!

Think i might just throw them both in the loft with them still dressed ha! Ready for next year!

So, i wonder if my mum is enjoying Bangkok? I bet she is! She flies to Phuket either today or tommorow, which then turns into the beach part of the holiday!

Can't believe i missed her call......well, it was at 1 am this morning! lol!

Jeremy Kyle has just come on the TV. God i hate this program its full of Scruffs! Turn OVER!!

Well i better go and get in the FREEZING cold shower (not my choice the boiler in this house is crap!)

Seeya'll later.................xoxo

Monday, 4 January 2010

Stinky toes.....

Well i must start by saying my feet actually stink tonight, think its cause my feet have been wet all day, with this crap snow!! ha!!

Glad i shared that small embarrassment :-)

Well, we're back home from the airport now.......saying bye to my mum always makes me cry! She's so excited about flying with Emirates! ha! I hope she has a fantastic holiday though!

So day 4 of the diet is going well. Fish, boiled potato's and loadsa veg for tea....yummy.....i'm starving!

So glad my book came from Amazon today, cant wait to loose myself in it on the beach....

I was looking at the pictures of our hotel, it looks lovely.

Well its soap night, so i'm off to watch them all.


Well the Christmas and New Year season is now officially over.....and everyone's back to work! Apart from me, and my mum and step dad, their off to Thailand this afternoon!

Me and Scott are taking them to the airport at 3pm!

Well i can say that i ACTUALLY hate this weather, i got in the shower this morning and it kept shooting cold water out of it! I sounded like a wild/screaming banchi! I'm gonna get ready do my hair and stuff, then go and see my friend!

The snow is still here, apparently its here till Feb!!!!

Well i did all my packing last night, how good am i?

Just a few more bits to buy and pack.......

Yesterday was good, we went to buy yet more shorts for Scott, he must have at least 15 pairs, were only going for 7 days! ha! And then we went to the Pub!

I was amazed how many people talk to me.......must feel sorry for me eh! God i hate sympathy, but yet i want everyone to be nice to me cause I'm Sooo sensitive. Everybody gives me that ''poor cow'' smile, and the talks amongst themselves........

Scott's gone back to work today, its not likely he'll be doing much cause the course is full of bloody snow, so his day will probably involve have a few hours sleep in the shed and then watching all the children sledge! And he gets paid for that!!

Anyway i better do my back later!

Saturday, 2 January 2010

2010 is my year.....

Well, its now the 2nd January 2010, and my god i just know its gonna be a better year than last. NYE went really well and i must say i actually enjoyed the night, spending time with my family and welcoming the New Year with open arms.

We had a lovely meal....a few (to many) drinks, and a chat.

So its now 8 days untill Egypt and im soo not ready, i have no toiletries or anything!

Think i'll be visiting ASDA later.......and i'll pack my suitcase later in the week, im so unorginised!

This year has so many exciting things to look forward to, which are:

  • Holiday, firstly Egypt and then defo some nice summer sun.

  • Moving into our gorgeous new house.

  • Having a messy house party :-)

  • LOTS of nights out with my girls and of course my boy.

  • A BIG Valentines day/night.

  • Mine and Scott 2nd year anniversarry.

  • My 22nd birthday.

  • Loosing all my baby weight.

  • And much more.........

I cannot believe the weather outside, its like a snow blizzard, it's coming down thick and fast and although i do love it, im getting bored of having wet feet, ruined boots and cold hands!

So...i've got a month left of being a 'lady of leisure', im definatly going back to work next month, sitting at home is driving me mad, and lets face it their only so many people you can visit!

Well i think ill start my day and move my arse of this sofa..............

Happy, happy, happy!!!

Happy, happy, happy!!!