Feelings........

Well since last night i haven't stopped thinking about Finley and what would of been! I have felt shitty all day today...there is a saying, ''how do you miss something you never had?'' I'm not quite sure of the answer but i know one thing it is possible! I tried taking my mind off it and thinking of other things but seriously how do you??
I went to the gym and took my anger out there! And it felt good, like an outlet, i ran so hard on the treadmill and rowed so fast on the Rowing machine.....and it does make me feel better.
I think iv have been thinking allot lately cause we've got an appointment with the consultant in March and it is stressing me out a little.....we SHOULD hopefully get Finley's results back then (if we don't i will go mad, they told us 6 weeks not over 3 months!) So they are worrying me, what if their was something wrong with Finley? or me? or the placenta? All these different questions.....why when someone dies do we have so many questions?? Baffles me!
Sometimes i think, would i of been a good mum? i mean i know i would of of and do love him but would i of known how to wind/change/feed & soothe him? People say i am a mummy and i kinda feel like one but i don't know how to ''mother'' a baby all i know is to carry the baby.
I want those feelings though, i want to be able to do all those things for a baby, my baby, another baby.

Having a relaxing night with Scott tonight, gonna have a jacuzzi and then watch the soaps. :)
xoxo

Angel mummy/daddy!

Its hard to believe my Finley would be 3 months and 4 days old today..........i miss him so much!
Iv been thinking allot about getting pregnant, but at this moment I'm not sure if i want another baby or its Finley i think ill be getting at the end of the pregnancy! I mean i obviously know its not going to be Finley, I'm not making sense now!
When we first found out we were pregnant, we were so shocked, scared every emotion a young couple could feel, we also thought we wasent ready for a baby, by that time we didn't have a choice Finley was on the way.....during the pregnancy we made ourselves ready, we got a house and did everything perfect for our little boy arriving, we waited until the very end, past the end and then we had nothing. We went through everything, the midwife appointments, the scans, the back ache, the fidgety legs, the baby kicking, hiccups, when he moved his arm or leg around my tummy and when he did i took it for granted, i didn't bless and saver every single moment, now i do!
Sometimes i sit back and think, what was the point? What was the point in even getting pregnant? Then i realise Finley was sent here for a reason.....he was sent to test mine and Scotts relationship to the ultimate! And we did it and are still doing it, we are getting through it. It is the hardest thing i have ever had to do but for sure i am doing it and so is Scott.

Its amazing how something like this changes you, as a person i mean, its hard to explain how but it does, it makes you appreciate your life and those close to you. You realise that clothes, shoes, holidays, bills, cars, money and trivial things don't mean anything! Its your health, that along with loved ones that count! When i was pregnant i wanted the best this and the best that, i wanted everything to be perfect for when Finley arrived and it was......he had the best nursery the best cot the best everything! But then when it came to it, he didn't have anything he never used his cot, his moses basket and his bottles. People say i should keep them for my next baby, but how? How do i feed another baby with Finley's bottles? How do i put another baby to sleep in Finley's moses basket? Even though he never used them, they were his!!

Here's a quote i thought was very accurate to ''this'' what were going through:

• A wife who looses her husband is called a widow, a husband who looses his wife is called a widower, a child who looses their parents is called an orphan, there is no word for a parent who looses a child, that's how awful the loss is.

Another quote:

• When you loose a parent its loosing your past, when you loose a child its loosing your future.

Those quotes are soo true, that's exactly how it is!

Since hearing these i have heard a name what you call a parent who looses their child:

• An Angel mummy/daddy!

Elesha & Scott day :)

Well me and Scott have agreed today is Elesha & Scott day, were too cute i tell you....today is like a double Valentines day....we relaxed in bed till like noon, then got ourselves pampered and ready.....and now were sat on the sofa relaxing, while i blog and Scott watches FOOTBALL!! ugh!

So were going for a meal soon, then were gonna walk the doggy's and then watch a movie :) I love Elesha & Scott days!!

We had a massive talk last night and i finally got Scott to open up to me, about EVERYTHING! I feel so much better now i know he's not got a ''swinging brick'' for a heart!

We've been talking about our house and we've agreed that if the jobs that NEED doing are not done they ain't getting the friggin rent! ha! I'm sure they will do the jobs when they've got no money!

I am finally having my hair done tomorrow :) Anyone would think is been year not 7 weeks! ha!

Think I'm going to more blonde this time, I'm bored of being brunette and they do say that blondes have more fun! So think that's the way forward! :)

Cant believe we well i say we i mean i have been talked into having a sunbed......well i suppose we have got enough room for it....He's like a woman, he loves the beds!

So that's where my tan is going to be coming from for the foreseeable future, until Scott gets his arse in gear and books us a bloody holiday :) I'm not sure where i fancy going....i know i certainly wont be going to NYC (which is where i want to go) Scott hates America and the Americans :(

How can anybody hate NYC?? As Alicia Keys says New York....Concrete jungle where dreams are made of....that is too true!!!

The weekend is here :)

Well its finally the weekend (not that it means anything to me, everyday is the same! ha!) But its the time me and the boy spend some time together....we've had a good day today, went and bought some pictures for the front room....but I'm not sure whether i like them now! ha!

Then we went to Scott cousin's......hmmm that was an experience, we got to talking about Ghost's, and whether we believe in them, they do but I'm on the fence, i think i kinda believe but then I'm not quite sure, i think its ''fear of the unknown'' hmmmm I'm not sure.

God i cant wait to go to the gym on Monday.....i need some positive endorphins, I'm seriously lacking!

So were relaxing tonight watching TV and then a movie!

I started my new book last night, its a Tasmina Perry one, its really good.....gutted my I heart Hollywood isn't here yet :( NY was AMAZING!! I love Lindsey Kelk......

xoxo

Slow starter....

Well i have just been browsing my profile and i have just realised i have a whopping amazing 3 followers!!! Great...haha! May as well just say ''NO FRIENDS!'' Haha!
What a bad night i had, up at 2am until 6am, then back to sleep at 7am and woke up at 10am! I really need to go to the doctors to find out what this pain is i get in my back, the doctors just do not seem to know...i have had a scan, which lead to a big fat Nothing, i have even had an Endoscopy and that didn't show anything either! But they really need to find out what it is....strange thing is, i get it every other day and when i was pregnant i didn't get it once!! Weird!!

TGIF anyway! The weekend is finally upon us :) And its GYM time, woooo! Were defo going tomorrow,cant wait! Think we'll get a DVD tomorrow night, I'm lost without my X Factor, haha!

I phoned up the NHS records department and asked where the hell my records are seen as iv been waiting since December....they will get here next week, thank god!
I also phoned my consultants Secretary and made an appointment with the consultant for March and she said by the time my appointment comes Finley's post-mortem results should most defiantly be back!! 2 bits of good news....i cant actually believe how long these results are taking....i mean it has been 3 months to the day tomorrow.....my god 3 months! It seems like it was a million years ago!
Iv come such a long way though in those 3 months...i feel like i grown as a person, iv grown into a strong (nothing bothers me) person.
I am friends with a few ladies/girls on FB and i tell you materialistic is NOT the word, all there worries are shoes, clothes, holidays, make-up, etc.....i wish my life could revolve around that....instead i worry about finding a spot on my face in case its the big C i worry about going to sleep at night and not waking up.....i worry about when the hell i am gonna be able to try for another baby....i have so much anxiety. I even worry about getting Autism with me just having had my MMR vaccine! I know its all silly, but that's just how it is, i asked the health visitor and she said its perfectly normal...i think when you have experienced first hand a life being snatched away so quick, you value your own so so much more!!
However the anxiety has got less and i dont panic as much as i did which is good.

Looking forward to relaxing with my boy this weekend........and finding out tonight ''Who killed Archie Mitchell'' hahaha, saddo!

xoxo

Loosing weight!

Well im trying so so hard to loose all this baby weight.....its really starting to stress me out!
I have been going for a walk for an hour everyday.
I mean apart from starvation, what else can i do? And im NOT going down that road!! Im oing the gym today or tomorrow so gonna whack some hours in there.....iv never been so excited to excersize..haha!
Apparently it is the start of Lent today...i have decided to give up chocolate for Lent, it starts today and finshes on the 3rd of April - which means 40 days! I know i can do it i have so much motivation! Loose weight = start trying for a baby :)
Thin is definatly in! And i will be :)

It was the Brit Awards last night....ooooo i love the Brits! What great performances.....Alicia Keys & Jay Z, Lady GaGa, Robbie Williams, Florence & the machine, Cheryl Cole...they were all amazing! Apart from Cheryl Cole miming soo bad she should of been booed off!! Alicia Key & Jay Z were by far the best, they were absolutly fab! Hmmm Lady GaGa - she was...well...WEIRD! I think she is an amazing artist but her style actually scares me! Robbie Williams did a medley and he was great, goreous too, and didnt seem to be high on drugs (for a change)

Valentines day 2010

Where to start..........it was Valentines day yesterday and i had a lovely day with the love of my life (how cheesy hahaha) Loved my presents of him, he's so thoughtful :)

The weekend with Bella ended quite quickly and its made me want a dog.....iv got no chance of getting a kitten so ill have the next best thing! ha! Iv seen a dog at Bleakholt animal sanctuary its a pug crossed with a caviler king Charles called Basil....he's gorgeous! Trip to Bleakholt soon me thinks!

Scott's ex is back on the scene, well not on the scene but her friend has been trying to fish for gossip! I mean it been over 2 years since he left you! Get a grip, bunny boiler! Apparently she said she's sorry for my loss and hopes were both OK, ha what a fucking laugh! I hate you, you hate me, now jog onnnn!!! Some women just cant accept a fact can they i mean i understand the stalker routine, we've all done that, when i was 17 like.....but she's 23 and had another relationship since Scott!! Come on girl.........

Ooooooo BIG news.....We have kinda set a date for our wedding! Yeyyyaa! So happy, we're so excited, just been phoning around looking for a venue for the reception today.

So my health visitor came today (i actually forgot she was coming! ha!) She's such a lovely woman.....everything she says just makes sense, maybe its her job that's taught her how to act what to say etc! The sad news is their is NO bereavement counseling anymore as the NHS wouldn't fund it...surprise surprise! I told her all the details and she defiantly thinks we have got a good case with suing the trust! What worries me though is if i do sue the trust, in my next pregnancy will Rochdale look after me???? Hmmmm maybe i should ask my consultant next time i see him!

God am i craving carbs......I'm on this strict diet...but i don't follow it at weekend so a Monday is hell for me! I mean i don't eat crap at weekend just allow myself a few treats :) Especially THIS weekend.....being Vday yesterday me and Scott more or less polished of a full box of Milk Tray.....greed, just pure bloody greed!! haha!

It's like 23:30 and i am STARVING!! I'm not giving in to food though.....i will loose all this weight so i can have another baby. That's my goal - Loose extra weight = start trying for a baby :)

I had a chat today with one of my old friends from school....such a inspiring lady/girl/woman (whatever a 21-22yr old is! ha!) She has been through so much...and now i wish her all the luck in the world! ;) She told me about a spiritualist she has been to see.....i have thought about going, but I'm scared of what they will tell me, but I'm sure there not allowed to tell you anything bad? Right? I don't know yet, ill have to have a think about it.....

I feel so much better after seeing Carole the health visitor today.....she is going to arrange a meeting well not a meeting but for one of the midwifes who looked after me during my pregnancy and i mean she actually looked after me, i mean she was brill - so she is going to arrange for J to come round to my house to have a chat about my next pregnancy....cause i am a little apprehensive......

Anyways Crossroads has just come on TV and i love Brittney hehe!

Blog soon

xoxo

Bella....

Well we're dog sitting this weekend for Bella, we took her for a really long walk last night, got soo muddy and cold.....she loved it though! ha! Cant believe she was up crying at 6am!!! I haven't seen that time for a long while....

Its one more day until Valentines day :) I'm soo excited...eeeaaak!! Don't know why though! ha!
Hmmmmm what shall we do today?? I think we'll start by taking ells Bells for a walk again, tire her out for the day :) And then we'll go and do some food shopping....my boy is cooking a meal for us tonight :) Romantic....i know i should cook really, but he said he doesn't fancy food poisoning! Cheeky! ha!

Ill tell you about my weekend tomorrow...and put some pictures on of Bella.
xoxo

Emotional rolercoaster!

Well this past week has been up and down.....i keep asking myself why? Why me? What have i done that's so wrong? I would of been a good mummy, i know it.....i dream about Finley and how he grows and gets older...plays in the garden, says his first word, goes to school! Why am i dreaming this? Its never going to be. I long for another baby, my doctor told me last week if i get pregnant my baby could die...(very UN-tactful) under the circumstances....he said it cause i had my MMR jab in December and i cant get pregnant for at least 3 months :( As the months go on....i want a baby more and more each day....I'll never forget Finley but in a weird kinda way i want to replace/fill that massive hole that's in my heart...in my home, my family and my arms!
People say to me, aw can you imagine what it would be like if Finley was here?!!! Ermmm cheers for that, cause no i cant!!!
Why do we always want what we cant have.....i want to try for a baby but I'm scared of something happening...what happens if i get pregnant and the baby is born asleep again, what would i do then...? Scott says i think far too much into the future..maybe i do!
One thing thing that does annoy me.......when i see people i know who have babies, i go up to them and comment how beautiful their baby is and they go all stiff and frosty....whats that about! I'm not going to kidnap their baby, iv lost my baby not my mind!

Slimming world was a downward spiral...i went and the nasty bitch who takes the sessions told me i couldn't join as i had the wrong form, i understand but whats the nastiness about! I mean if you dint know how to speak to people...don't work with the public!! So i will get the right form and then go to a different meeting...sod her!!

Valentines day this weekend...i have asked Scott for a kitten but he is still so adamant that i AINT having one..... :( Wonder what i will get?!
Well I'm off to try and sort out my gas and electric supplier out now.....damn companies wind me up!
xoxo

Loosing the weight!

I am so proud of my self this week......since 14th December i have loast 2 stone!!! Yeyyyyaa!

I start slimming world tomorrow, and im really excited to start loosing more weight and get healthy......and then we can start trying for a baby :)

Been quite a busy weekend really! We had our house warming on Saturday....my god i was soo soo drunk, i am never drinking wine with nothing on my stomach AGAIN! I was sick EVERYWHERE, not a good look.

I looked at Finley's pictures the other day too, it really upset me, cause he's not here but it did bring me peace...he is sooo beautiful and just looks like me :) I am glad i have fianlly looked though cause i still felt like i was waiting....still pregnant in a weird way, but now its like closure, i have seen my boy and he is beautiful!

Oooooo i nearly forgot, i had my tattoo :) i didnt think id brave it but iv done it! People who say ''they dont hurt'' are talking wet, cause they do hurt, its just a bearable pain....i love it!

Its Scott's name in Arabic!

People have said what if you split up, im gonna have his name on me for life...the truth is, i dont ever wanna forget Scott, even if we do split he will always be Finley's daddy and we've been through so much together, he is kinda part of me growing up.

People have also said what you gonna do when you get old? And the tattoo is their on your wrist when your 80yr old, well the truth is i might not get old! So why not...iv seen how quikly a life can be snatched away so why not live each day as it comes dont think about the future think about today...its called today/now for a reason!

Ciao for now......

February already!

I cannot believe how fast this year is going already..........
What happened to January?!

Well I'm looking forward to our house warming on Saturday. And then my 2 girly nights out at the end of the month! Gay village better get ready for me and Laura! I finally got my new phone today, i love it!
Been quite a busy week this week, been into work, hmmmm that was a little daunting, last time i was there i was pregnant, getting ready to meet my beautiful baby boy......spoke to a few of the girls which was nice.
Sorted all my bills out......god, that was hard work i can say I AM NEVER MOVING AGAIN!
And i also told my ''dad'' what i think of him, which surprisingly made me feel a whole lot better! He says he's gonna start being there for me now, hmmm we'll see!!

Tattoo = Friday, i cant wait! I'm scared but I'm sure ill be OK, people say if you can go through labour a tattoo is nothing, so we'll have to see haha!

Well I'm off, I'm gonna get in a nice jacuzzi bath and then watch Desperate Housewives!