5 and a half months later..........

I cannot believe it has been 5 and a half months since my beautiful baby boy was born.....i keep looking at his pictures and it brings me peace....when i see his beautiful little face i always feel the need to apolagise....i talk to the picture, is that normal? Like its him there, like he's gonna answer me! I wish! I keep looking at other mums and feeling jealous and i know i shouldnt but i cant help it.....i think why me, why my baby, i mean i wouldnt wish this on anybody else and wouldnt like it to be anyone else i would just like it not to be me. I seem to be feeling normal again (whatever that may be) im enjoying being back at work, having a seperate life in a kinda way.

What makes a Mother!

I thought of you, and closed my eyes and prayed to God today, i asked ''What makes a Mother?'' and i know i heard him say ''a Mother has a baby'' this we know is true.  But God can you be a Mother when your baby's not with you? ''Yes you can'' he replied with confidence in his voice, ''i give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice'' Some i send for a lifetime, and others for the day and some i send to fill your womb, but theirs no need to stay. I just dont understand this God i want my baby here, he took a deep breath and cleared his throat, and then i saw the tear. ''I wish that i could show you what your child is doing today'' if you could see your child smile with all the other children and say...........we go to Earth to learn our lessons of Love, Life and Fear. My mummy loved me oh so much i got to come straight here, i feel so lucky to have a mum who had so much love for me. I learned my lessons very quick my mummy set me free, i miss my mummy oh so much, but i visit her everyday when she goes to sleep on her pillows where i lay, i stroke her hair and kiss here cheek and whisper in her ear mummy dont be sad today, i'm your baby and i'm here.  So you see my dear sweet ones, your children are okay.  Your babies are born here in my home, and this is where they will stay, and on the day that you come home they'll be at the gates for you. So now you see what makes a Mother, its the feeling in your heart, its the love you had so much of right from the very start, though some on Earth may not realise untill their time is done they'll be up here with me one day, and you know what............Your the best Mum!

Working girl (in the right context)

Well my weekend was perfect! I went shopping on Saturday and got some gorgeous sandles from Primark! Gotta love Primarni haha! On Saturday we went to The Crimble, i had such a good night, and i actually felt comfortable in my own self, which is a big change from what i usually feel. I am so happy with all the weight i have lost, i can so see a difference! Sunday we realxed all day at home, love lazy Sunday's!

On Monday we had an appointment with the Consultant, im sure he thinks i come down with the last shower....he was more interested in talking about trivial other things such as his friends in Scotland, and how they ''got over'' the birth of their sleeping baby! I mean yes my heart goes out to each and every parent who has had to go through this horrible ordeal, but when i go and see my consultant i want hm to talk about me & my baby. But that was sure not on the cards! I had pre-eclampsia and every single organ in Finley's tiny body were normal/perfect....so to me that says it was the pre-eclampsia, but no.....he was like 'ummmmm, maybe it was that'' WTF Obviously it was that you plank!! Amazing what people say to try and avoid accepting responsibilty! He then told me not to brood over ''this'' and that when his Mother got breast cancer and he was so mad with the hospital for not diagnosing earlier, but eventually he had to let it go cause the stress was making him ill. I told him i will never give up, i will fight to the end of the earth to get answers for my boy! On the upside he is a fantastic surgeon and will be happy for him to deliver my next baby, he just is crap at speaking to people!

My first day back at work - I LOVED IT! Never thought id say that, but i  really did, it felt so good to feel normal again, my day went really well and really quick considering it was a 12 hour shift. I got upset half way through the day as a few of the residents relatives caame in and were so happy to see me back and were asking how my baby is and how old he is now :( Made me cry but with the help of the girls i felt better after.
So today i am relaxing and not moving off the sofa! :)

Blog soon
xoxo

1 Step forward, 3 steps back!

Wow, it seems forever ago since i last blogged. Not many things have happend since my last blog......... we have started the ball rolling on the legal side of this horrible experience, so thats something. I had a bit of a moment last night, where this rush of guilt came over me, i realised i hadnt felt sad for about a week, and i felt guilty for that, what are you supposed to feel?? I really do not know. Whatever feeling i get doesnt seem to be right, when i laugh i feel guilty and when i cry i feel weak!
We had out Health visitor come round the other dya she went through my medical records, and told us not once has the midwife wrote down that i had swealing!!!!!!!! ANGRY!! I mean i told her on EVERY routine midwife visit. Also the consultant hasn't put every single note in the records, there are no blood test results! This to me shows that they are covering something up?! Maybe not, but thats my opinion!

Work time soon (scared) This Wednesday i am on an 8am-8pm shift!! Talk about throwing me in a the deep end! But i suppose once iv done one, ill be ok, i hope so anyway!

So iv got a good weekend this weekend its our friends birthday on Saturday so we're going for a meal and a few drinks with them in Bamford (the false part of Rochdale, ha!) So i've got new clothes and i got the sexiest shoes EVER!! They're stunning! Im having a spray tan tonight and iv exfoliated, body buffed and done my nails frenchy! Love it! Im not sure how to have my hair though im sick of being boring and just having it straight and down, im thinking big, curly and bouncy!! Hmmmm....not sure yet!

How i would love my hair to be my only worry eh! I wish!

The perfect house turned into be our yet another bit of bad luck! We've got 3 viewings for other houses on Tuesday, so i hope i like one of them! We neeeeddd to get outta this one FAST! I mean i love the house, there is just too many faults i mean we've had not heating since the second week in Feb!!!! Hey - we've saved alot of money with not paying the rent though! ha!

Well, facebook calls and im gonna phone my boy and see how his day is going so far, he wont be finished till 6pm (he works bloody hard for us) :)

Blog soon

xoxo