Every Tuesday my therapist asks me "What kind of week have you had Elesha?" Tomorrow I seriously don't know what my answer will be! It's definitely been a weird one!
It's been 17 months since my Finley was born and changed my life forever....yet I still don't know how to act, whether I'm done with the grieving part of my life?? I sit alone and often wonder, wonder where I would be and how good of a mother I'd be to a 17 month old!? I mean now in my current thoughts I actually could never imagine myself being a mother...is that weird?! When I got pregnant with Finley I always felt my dreams had come true I had my man a baby on the way a house a job everything some people and I now now can only dream of.
I go to work and pretend I'm fine, I pretend I'm a happy go lucky "normal" 22 yr old....when really I still 17 months later feel numb, empty and a failure!
When does Grief end?
Some months all I think about is getting pregnant and having that family iv always dreamed of! I kind of rely on the plan for that, what else could I do?
People tend to be very wary of what they say in front of me I can see when the word baby is mentioned people look at me with sorrow, pity & somehow even guilt in their eyes! I want to be able to talk about my boy! After all Finley IS my son!!
Xoxo
Tuesday, 19 April 2011
Tuesday, 22 March 2011
Serious Catch up...
I cannot believe I've not blogged since November LAST year!!!
Seriously time for a catch up...
Well Christmas was awesome had a really lovely day with my boy and the family.
I worked all over NY so it wasn't memorable lol.
Iv started my therapy too, it seems to really be helping me, it's supposed to change your thought process, it's not changing it yet it is making ne think more about the reason why I panic and get worried so much.
Well work wise WAS going really well, iv been promoted to senior and now can administer medication alone I have nearly completed a full advanced medication course so I'm alot more confident than I was. The reason why I wrote WAS is because we've had a few changed and I'm not into change especially when I think it's not for the better. And when people think they can speak to me like a 12 year old scroat, I may look young but I'm not that 18 nieve girl anymore, iv been through too much shit to take it!!! So anyway I have an employment application for somewhere else so we'll see how that goes :)
Blog soon
Seriously time for a catch up...
Well Christmas was awesome had a really lovely day with my boy and the family.
I worked all over NY so it wasn't memorable lol.
Iv started my therapy too, it seems to really be helping me, it's supposed to change your thought process, it's not changing it yet it is making ne think more about the reason why I panic and get worried so much.
Well work wise WAS going really well, iv been promoted to senior and now can administer medication alone I have nearly completed a full advanced medication course so I'm alot more confident than I was. The reason why I wrote WAS is because we've had a few changed and I'm not into change especially when I think it's not for the better. And when people think they can speak to me like a 12 year old scroat, I may look young but I'm not that 18 nieve girl anymore, iv been through too much shit to take it!!! So anyway I have an employment application for somewhere else so we'll see how that goes :)
Blog soon
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Happy, happy, happy!!!
