Lonely.....

Well today i feel so lonely and down, i just dont know what is wrong with me.  When i sit on my own in the house i wonder what Finley woulda/shoulda been doing now, like would he be rolling over, would he be nearly crawling, what would his voice sound like, and would he of liked the sound of it (like his daddy)
All these things i wonder and i'll never ever get to know.  All i can do is look at his pictures.......When a couple get pregnant they expect all the ''normal'' things to happen, like the birth, then the sleepless nights and then seeing your child grow and seeing it change from a baby to a toddler from a toddler to going to school, going on family holidays, christenings, parents evenings, other children knocking on the door seeing if your child is playing out, i have nothing all i have is a few pictures, what is that! My baby which i carried for 41 weeks i went through the whole pregnancy, the jelly legs, the heartburn, the not being able to sleep, the swelling, the tiredness, all that FOR A PICTURE! I guess im just feeling a little angry today, i see other mums and, yes i do feel envious. I think what have they got that i havent, what did i do so wrong, what is wrong with me.....people say they can only dream of having a guardian angel, but i actually have one. Well let me tell you, i dont want one, i want my baby!

When i do look look at other mums or mums to be i do feel envious but i also feel hope, i feel that your baby dieing is not normal and it doesnt happen to everyone, one day i will have a child to hold in my arms, to come home from work to and to love uncondtionally. I mean i love Finley unconditionally but its the not the same, i know he is my baby and he's apart of me and scott but he's not here, i cant share his life with him.

So where do you go from here, what is the ''next step''???
Sometimes i feel so guilty about thoughts that i have, sometimes i think i wish id never got pregnant, the feelings that the pregnancy has left me with i wouldnt wish on my worst enemy.  I have panic attacks, i have health anxiety about mostly me but my close family also. I am convinced if i have got a headache it is a brain tumor......i hate these feelings. Will i ever feel normal again, will i ever not have a care in the world. I doesnt seem it at the moment. And then other times i feel so honoured to have been able to share myself, my life and well my body with the most perfect little boy who ever graced this earth. (Well he sure graced my Earth)

It is actually suprising what writing your feelings down does for you, it makes them clear and able to control, what iv probably written doesnt make sence to anyone but it does to me.

R.I.P Beautiful baby Finley
I love you with all my heart.
My 3rd muskateer.

Fear....

Wow, it's been too long since my last blog, iv been so so busy!
So what have I been up to recently?
Well I'm still plodding on at work, I love being back, feeling normal again and being treated like a 21 tear old! I hated all the sympathy looks and poor cow smiles!
I went for my first counciling appointment yesterday, it was like an assesment on which type of counciling would be beneficial to me most. So the lady I saw Lynn is referring me for CBT (congenital behaviour therapy, not sure if that is spelt correct) so I just recurve a call from Lynn to arrange my first session.
We talked about: what is the one wordtjat describes my feelings best......fear! So she wants to concentrate on the anxiety, health fears, and panic attacks. Which I am happy with!

This TTC is starting to wind me up, I am now 10 days late so I did 2 tests which both come up negative! So if I'm not pregnant where the he'll is my period?!

I'm off work this week for a weeks holiday! So I'm trying my hand at cooking, yesterday I did Shepards pie and today I'm gonna try Cheese an onion pie :)

I will blog again sometime this week!
xoxo

Its been a while....

Well it has been too long since my last blog, iv been so busy with work and what not.  Work is going well i really do love my job, just not the company i work for........!
I seem to have my ''goal'' head on at the moment, i want to be somebody in this life, you only get one shot after all.  So im looking into starting my next NVQ :)

We have had alot of feed back from the solicitor, he's read through all the notes and the PM results and it turns out, there very incomplete.....their was more tests that were supposed to be done on Finley and either they have done them and havent given us the results, in which case i want to know why, or they havent done the tests, in which case im doing them for gross misconduct! So we just have to wait and see what they write back to our solicitor. 

Well were going out tonight, me, Scott, Joanne and Dave :) Should be good, iv had my tan done, bought my lashes and done my nails :)

5 and a half months later..........

I cannot believe it has been 5 and a half months since my beautiful baby boy was born.....i keep looking at his pictures and it brings me peace....when i see his beautiful little face i always feel the need to apolagise....i talk to the picture, is that normal? Like its him there, like he's gonna answer me! I wish! I keep looking at other mums and feeling jealous and i know i shouldnt but i cant help it.....i think why me, why my baby, i mean i wouldnt wish this on anybody else and wouldnt like it to be anyone else i would just like it not to be me. I seem to be feeling normal again (whatever that may be) im enjoying being back at work, having a seperate life in a kinda way.

What makes a Mother!

I thought of you, and closed my eyes and prayed to God today, i asked ''What makes a Mother?'' and i know i heard him say ''a Mother has a baby'' this we know is true.  But God can you be a Mother when your baby's not with you? ''Yes you can'' he replied with confidence in his voice, ''i give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice'' Some i send for a lifetime, and others for the day and some i send to fill your womb, but theirs no need to stay. I just dont understand this God i want my baby here, he took a deep breath and cleared his throat, and then i saw the tear. ''I wish that i could show you what your child is doing today'' if you could see your child smile with all the other children and say...........we go to Earth to learn our lessons of Love, Life and Fear. My mummy loved me oh so much i got to come straight here, i feel so lucky to have a mum who had so much love for me. I learned my lessons very quick my mummy set me free, i miss my mummy oh so much, but i visit her everyday when she goes to sleep on her pillows where i lay, i stroke her hair and kiss here cheek and whisper in her ear mummy dont be sad today, i'm your baby and i'm here.  So you see my dear sweet ones, your children are okay.  Your babies are born here in my home, and this is where they will stay, and on the day that you come home they'll be at the gates for you. So now you see what makes a Mother, its the feeling in your heart, its the love you had so much of right from the very start, though some on Earth may not realise untill their time is done they'll be up here with me one day, and you know what............Your the best Mum!

Working girl (in the right context)

Well my weekend was perfect! I went shopping on Saturday and got some gorgeous sandles from Primark! Gotta love Primarni haha! On Saturday we went to The Crimble, i had such a good night, and i actually felt comfortable in my own self, which is a big change from what i usually feel. I am so happy with all the weight i have lost, i can so see a difference! Sunday we realxed all day at home, love lazy Sunday's!

On Monday we had an appointment with the Consultant, im sure he thinks i come down with the last shower....he was more interested in talking about trivial other things such as his friends in Scotland, and how they ''got over'' the birth of their sleeping baby! I mean yes my heart goes out to each and every parent who has had to go through this horrible ordeal, but when i go and see my consultant i want hm to talk about me & my baby. But that was sure not on the cards! I had pre-eclampsia and every single organ in Finley's tiny body were normal/perfect....so to me that says it was the pre-eclampsia, but no.....he was like 'ummmmm, maybe it was that'' WTF Obviously it was that you plank!! Amazing what people say to try and avoid accepting responsibilty! He then told me not to brood over ''this'' and that when his Mother got breast cancer and he was so mad with the hospital for not diagnosing earlier, but eventually he had to let it go cause the stress was making him ill. I told him i will never give up, i will fight to the end of the earth to get answers for my boy! On the upside he is a fantastic surgeon and will be happy for him to deliver my next baby, he just is crap at speaking to people!

My first day back at work - I LOVED IT! Never thought id say that, but i  really did, it felt so good to feel normal again, my day went really well and really quick considering it was a 12 hour shift. I got upset half way through the day as a few of the residents relatives caame in and were so happy to see me back and were asking how my baby is and how old he is now :( Made me cry but with the help of the girls i felt better after.
So today i am relaxing and not moving off the sofa! :)

Blog soon
xoxo

1 Step forward, 3 steps back!

Wow, it seems forever ago since i last blogged. Not many things have happend since my last blog......... we have started the ball rolling on the legal side of this horrible experience, so thats something. I had a bit of a moment last night, where this rush of guilt came over me, i realised i hadnt felt sad for about a week, and i felt guilty for that, what are you supposed to feel?? I really do not know. Whatever feeling i get doesnt seem to be right, when i laugh i feel guilty and when i cry i feel weak!
We had out Health visitor come round the other dya she went through my medical records, and told us not once has the midwife wrote down that i had swealing!!!!!!!! ANGRY!! I mean i told her on EVERY routine midwife visit. Also the consultant hasn't put every single note in the records, there are no blood test results! This to me shows that they are covering something up?! Maybe not, but thats my opinion!

Work time soon (scared) This Wednesday i am on an 8am-8pm shift!! Talk about throwing me in a the deep end! But i suppose once iv done one, ill be ok, i hope so anyway!

So iv got a good weekend this weekend its our friends birthday on Saturday so we're going for a meal and a few drinks with them in Bamford (the false part of Rochdale, ha!) So i've got new clothes and i got the sexiest shoes EVER!! They're stunning! Im having a spray tan tonight and iv exfoliated, body buffed and done my nails frenchy! Love it! Im not sure how to have my hair though im sick of being boring and just having it straight and down, im thinking big, curly and bouncy!! Hmmmm....not sure yet!

How i would love my hair to be my only worry eh! I wish!

The perfect house turned into be our yet another bit of bad luck! We've got 3 viewings for other houses on Tuesday, so i hope i like one of them! We neeeeddd to get outta this one FAST! I mean i love the house, there is just too many faults i mean we've had not heating since the second week in Feb!!!! Hey - we've saved alot of money with not paying the rent though! ha!

Well, facebook calls and im gonna phone my boy and see how his day is going so far, he wont be finished till 6pm (he works bloody hard for us) :)

Blog soon

xoxo

Perfect!

Well we had the results for Finley's post mortem yesterday, apparentley our usual consultant was ''sick'' i think he didnt have the guts to face me & Scott! So we saw a registrar, she was very nice but knew absolutely sod all about me or the way Finley died. All she told us was Finley was PERFECT!! Every single organ was normal, then i asked about me................I CAN have more children! :) That made my face light up, i had visions of me not being able to carry again! So i then asked if i had a Placental abruption.......Yes i had a minor one but their not sure whether that was the reason!?!? Huh.....if thats the only abnomality obviously it was that!! So the Placental abruption was caused by the pre-eclampsia (i think) Nobody will tell me anything for certain, so iv made another appointment with my usual consultant, hopefully he'll be able to shed some light.

We also went to see a solicitor aswell yesterday, well we saw his secretary, she copied my medical records and we have an appointment with him next Wednesday! Fingers crossed we get somewhere! I want the BITCH sacked! Harsh i know but right i am!

So we can now start TTC yeyyyyyyy! I feel like iv waited forever! Well i dont exactly want to TRY i want stop not trying, if that makes sense!

I cannot believe it has been 17 weeks and 4 days since my beautiful boy graced this Earth!! Seem so long ago in one sense but but like yesterday in another!

(Nearly) Time for work.....

Well i officially start back at work on the 14Th April and guess what shift I'm on?????? 8 friggin 8! You'd think they would give me an easy come back....hhhhmmmm nope! I'm actually really scared of going back, I'm gonna feel like a new girl all over again soo many people to meet and work with! Arghhh......scary!
I expected to go back to work when my baby boy was 6 months old, i wanted to take pictures in and take him to show everyone my beautiful baby boy.....that's not gonna happen! People say you life is mapped out...if that frigging TomTom lady is mapping my life out, she needs to resign in that job! She's doing a shit job! Iv thought allot lately about luck, some people say you make your own, but i honestly do not know, i mean if you make your own luck i would have my baby here with me now! Oh i don't know!

I went to work today to do some training........it was BORING! But anyway, to the point. I'm so sick of that sympathetic look people give me and they say ''Are you OK?'' And then stand their for a while, what seriously do they want me to say???
I just feel like everything is going back to normal, but i don't want it to, i feel like screaming ''MY BABY IS DEAD!!''
The feelings are weird, i DONT want people's sympathy but yet i don't want people to treat me the way they did before Finley was born.....weird huh! I'm so sensitive its unreal!

What really does annoy me is when people totally blank the fact i had a son out! I mean they wont mention his name, wont talk about my pregnancy....i think they think if they don't talk about it, it never happened! WELL IT DID! And i want people to talk about him i want people to know about how I'm feeling i want people to acknowledge my son! Is that so wrong???

What do i do from here? I want somebody to tell me what to do now. I mean with life, do i try and get back to the person i used to be or do i carry on being an emotional volcano just waiting for my feelings to erupt!?! I wish their was a 'Guide to grief' That would help loads!
I'm sick of worrying about death, my close friend told me something about her family member yesterday and it scared me that much i could reply to her text, and i feel so bad for it, it (death) scares the shitting life outta me!
I mean i talk to my ''new friends'' (Fellow angel mummy's) and they really do make sense, but sometimes i feel bad for asking them questions, if their having a good day and i go and ask about feelings I'm scared i will ruin their day, i mean i know whatever i say could not upset them more than they already are over their angels but i just feel bad asking!

Question: Do you think having another baby takes these feelings away?
I actually do not know the answer, i mean i would hope it did! But then in reality i don't any one thing (apart from Finley being here) would make these feelings disappear!

Sometimes i wish i was the person i used to be....i wish i didn't worry about death, i wish i didn't have these feelings i wish! But then when i sit back i think in time i will become a better person (I'm not quite sure how that works like) But people say i will....so lets go with that!

Anyway on a good note, I'm looking forward to the weekend, I'm getting a new phone tomorrow and then tomorrow night I'm having my very own Ann Summers :) Yeyyyyyyaaaa! :)

Blog soon xoxo

What a Grieving parent wants to know!

I am not Strong - i am just numb. When you tell me that I'm strong i feel that you don't see me. I will not recover this is not a cold or the flu, I'm grieving and that's different. I will not always be grieving so intensely, but i will never forget my Finley. And rather than recover i want to incorporate his life and love into the rest of my life. Finley is part of me and always will be, and sometimes i will remember him with joy, and other times with sadness. Both are okay.

I don't have to accept death - yes i understand that it happened, and it is real, but their are somethings in life that are unacceptable.

Please don't avoid me, you cant catch my grief. My world is painful when you are afraid to call or visit or say anything. I am isolated at a time when i need to be most cared about. If you don't know what to say, just touch my arm, give me a hug and just say I'm sorry.

Please don't say to call if i need anything, ill never call because i have no idea what i need. Please send me a card on special holidays and his birthday.

Please say his name, you cannot make me cry, the tears are always there. It gives me the opportunity to shed some tears because someone cared enough to reach out to me!

R.I.P Beautiful baby boy.

I love you always and forever Finley

xxxxxx

Ronan was right.....Life is a rollercoaster!

My life seems from one extreme to another! Ronan Keating was right! Haha!
Good days/Bad days = Well i still seem to be having my good and bad days i suppose i will for a long time yet! I cannot wait to start feeling ''normal'' again. My doctor has given me anti-depressants but i really don't want to take them :( I'm scared of not being able to get off them and cause i want another baby its not the best start for a child is it?! Mother emotionally unstable! So I'm just gonna try and get through this alone and with the help of my family and friends. Ill get there in time :)

I have finally decided on my tattoo, I'm having the words:

• Finley Too beautiful for Earth with angel wings at either side.

I cant wait to book it in, think ill go over a few sittings though :) I'm not that brave haha! Scott has his done on Saturday it looks awesome :) So proud of him, not for having a tattoo but for having Finley's name on him :)

So me and my mum went to Chester on Saturday to visit Tracy, we haven't seen her for over 10 years so it was really good to get back in touch :) We had a lovely day, we relaxed at Tracy & Charlie's and then went into Chester for a meal and some shopping, we had a Chinese banquet it was sooo yummy :) Then i bought the most gorgeous bag :) I have loads so i think its about time i started using them eh! lol!

Sunday = Me and Scott had a DVD day, i love those days, get dressed to go to Blockbuster and then come home and get back in your jamas :) We watched a few films and had a pizza :( Naughty girl. I figured if i diet 6 days a week and then eat what i want on a Sunday (to a certain degree) My metabolism will work faster! Those are my thought anyway :)

I finally received a letter about Finley's PM results we go to see the consultant on Monday, which I'm glad about but really nervous at the same time! I hope they tell me what i want to hear.

So tonight, its soaps and then yet another DVD :)

Blog soon x0x0

Gleeeeek!

Well i watched my first ever Glee yesterday! I love it! I haven't watched it from the start cause i was on holiday and never thought to watch it after! I think i am an official GLEEEEK! haha!

So i phoned the consultant the other day and guess what? They finally have Finley's PM results! So we have just got to wait for appointment now! Hope they don't take too long about it!

I've had a bad few day recently, i keep getting really upset, i think Mothers day kicked it all off, i mean it would of been my first Mothers day as Finley's mummy :( People tell me, it will be my time soon, but i don't cry cause I'm not a mother i cry cause I'm not a mother to Finley, well i am but I'm not at the same time.
Iv been thinking about going to a spiritualist church lately, not that i want to speak to Finley, i just want to know their is a life after this......I'm scared that there isn't! So i think the church would help me to start believing! Everything keeps going through my mind, was it me? Did i do something wrong? Have i ever done something wrong for my baby to be taken from me!
This quote really makes sense:

• An angel opens the book of life and wrote down my baby's birth, then she whispered as she closed the book ''to beautiful for earth''

It really seems to bring me comfort, iv been doing allot of surfing the net lately on youtube, like looking for poems and such like. I found a clip called ''What makes a Mother'' and it is so so lovely, it made me cry so much it just says like ''God - why have you taken my baby from me? Then God says If only i could show you what your child is doing today, he/she is smiling and dancing in the rain'' It really is lovely.

Questions, maybe's & what if's!

Well i have been very anxious lately, i seem to be scared of anything and everything! I think with what i have been through these feelings i have a relatively normal!

We went to see the consultant again on Monday, what a bloody waste if time that was! He told me to Move on....hmmm not quite sure how to do that, maybe ill learn how to live with it but i don't think i will ever move on, is it even possible?
I have so many questions and now have been put in the right direction to make a complaint and take things further! So we will most definitely be in the process of doing that very soon. I asked where Finley's PM results are and also where the results are from my placenta being tested....i was told ''i don't know'' Nice! The main consultant in Rochdale and he doesn't bloody know! So were still waiting and it feels like we probably be waiting for ever more!

Motivation = Nonexistent, i seem to have no motivation what so ever lately, i mean i wanna loose weight more than anything cause when iv done that i can start trying for a baby, well i say i, i mean we! So I'm taking my step dad to the gym with me on Sunday to show me properly what machines to use.......and to TRY and make it more fun! :)
It's mothers day on Sunday and I'm looking forward to it in one way but really don't want it to come in another.....it would of been my first mothers day with Finley :( God, how i wish things were different!

R.I.P Finley.....i love you always and forever!

Happy freezing anniversary!

Well its mine and Scott's 2 year anniversary today, we've had a really good day, we've been in the pub and had a nice time with family and friends :) I cannot believe it has been 2 years already, where does time go?! Scott drank so much Bitter than he was sick as soon as we got home, so the Chinese we bought went in the bin! So now he's in bed and I'm freezing my arse off downstairs!
I tell you this house is so so bloody cold.....the fire has been capped and the central heating just comes on and off when it likes, only problem is we have no radiator in the living room....so we have NO heating what-so-ever! So yesterday the estate agent went out and bout a really big oil filled heater/radiator for the lounge, it was doing brilliantly warming us up until we notices that it was leaking oil alllllll over the carpet!! So now we cant use that! Hopefully something will be sorted this week I'm sick to death of waiting now! They are soooo soooo not having any rent next month!

So we've got another appointment with the consultant tomorrow, not quite sure what the hell for, cause they STILL haven't got Finley's PM results!!! 15 weeks later.......still no results!
I went to the gym this morning i have been supposedly going everyday this week but haven't gone, i just had no motivation at all! But i dragged my arse there this morning and had a good workout, and i actually felt allot better!

Blog soon
xoxo

Up the Dale!

We went to watch football last night, they were surprisingly really good! 4-0 to Dale!
I was dead star struck cause we saw Darren Ferguson :) haha! It was F-F-Freezing though!
Were finally getting somewhere with the repairs on the house, we've only been reporting them for 4 BLOODY WEEKS!!! So now the managers on to the jobs, and as we speak i am waiting for a workman to come and start fixing the jobs :)

I got my medical records yesterday so have been reading through those, some of the lies are unreal. I didn't know they could lie on a medical record!! But at least we have now got them and its the big day on Monday at the consultants!
Blog soon.......

xoxo

Feeling Gurrrrdddd.......

Wow it's been almost a week since my last blog....too long for me ha!

Well quite allot has happened in the last week...I found my long lost cousin, i haven't seen her since she was like 6 months old! And i cannot believe she has been living in Rochdale all this time, SMALL WORLD! So I'm taking her down to my dads tomorrow to meet the rest of the family...their dead happy to have her back, they haven't seen her for a very long time too. If only they were as happy to see me ha! Never! Black sheep i am, i have the people who i love though, my beautiful mummy, Dave my step dad (who is amazing) and my perfect boy Scott!

I have been doing really well at the gym...i had my assessment on Sunday, it went really well, iv lost more weight and its all good, my BMI is way over what it should be, but that will soon be sorted when i carry on training hard! :) The trainer set me a program and it kinda works i can do everything apart from run for 20 minutes on the treadmill (my arse has never see that much exercise EVER) So iv cut it down to power walking for 10 minutes!

I phoned up for my medical records today.....Jesus what a performance! I spoke to 4 different people before i finally got through to the right person...and then she told me the consultant STILL hadn't given permission for the records to be copied....i was so annoyed, so i phoned my mum and told her she phoned the woman back told her a few home truths and shouted a little and HEY PRESTO she miraculously found the records on the shelf! What a surprise!

So we've got the meeting with the consultant on Monday where we will hopefully get Finley's PM results (i say hopefully, the NHS will prob take another 3 months) I really hope we do get them, i just want a little bit of closure, i mean i already kinda know what their gonna say i just need my thought to be confirmed!

I am thinking of setting up a charity Golf event in Finley's memory, and all the donations are going to SANDS....i really hope we can pull it off :) I'm also thinking of planting a tree for Finley, as he was cremated i have nowhere where i can go to pay respect or whatever it is that you do when you visit ''their'' place....

So tomorrow is a busy day.....seeing mummy in the morning :) Then going meeting my cousin Holly and the rest of the family in the afternoon....then me and Scott are going to watch the footie..yey ha ha. UP THE DALE!!!!

xoxo

Feelings........

Well since last night i haven't stopped thinking about Finley and what would of been! I have felt shitty all day today...there is a saying, ''how do you miss something you never had?'' I'm not quite sure of the answer but i know one thing it is possible! I tried taking my mind off it and thinking of other things but seriously how do you??
I went to the gym and took my anger out there! And it felt good, like an outlet, i ran so hard on the treadmill and rowed so fast on the Rowing machine.....and it does make me feel better.
I think iv have been thinking allot lately cause we've got an appointment with the consultant in March and it is stressing me out a little.....we SHOULD hopefully get Finley's results back then (if we don't i will go mad, they told us 6 weeks not over 3 months!) So they are worrying me, what if their was something wrong with Finley? or me? or the placenta? All these different questions.....why when someone dies do we have so many questions?? Baffles me!
Sometimes i think, would i of been a good mum? i mean i know i would of of and do love him but would i of known how to wind/change/feed & soothe him? People say i am a mummy and i kinda feel like one but i don't know how to ''mother'' a baby all i know is to carry the baby.
I want those feelings though, i want to be able to do all those things for a baby, my baby, another baby.

Having a relaxing night with Scott tonight, gonna have a jacuzzi and then watch the soaps. :)
xoxo

Angel mummy/daddy!

Its hard to believe my Finley would be 3 months and 4 days old today..........i miss him so much!
Iv been thinking allot about getting pregnant, but at this moment I'm not sure if i want another baby or its Finley i think ill be getting at the end of the pregnancy! I mean i obviously know its not going to be Finley, I'm not making sense now!
When we first found out we were pregnant, we were so shocked, scared every emotion a young couple could feel, we also thought we wasent ready for a baby, by that time we didn't have a choice Finley was on the way.....during the pregnancy we made ourselves ready, we got a house and did everything perfect for our little boy arriving, we waited until the very end, past the end and then we had nothing. We went through everything, the midwife appointments, the scans, the back ache, the fidgety legs, the baby kicking, hiccups, when he moved his arm or leg around my tummy and when he did i took it for granted, i didn't bless and saver every single moment, now i do!
Sometimes i sit back and think, what was the point? What was the point in even getting pregnant? Then i realise Finley was sent here for a reason.....he was sent to test mine and Scotts relationship to the ultimate! And we did it and are still doing it, we are getting through it. It is the hardest thing i have ever had to do but for sure i am doing it and so is Scott.

Its amazing how something like this changes you, as a person i mean, its hard to explain how but it does, it makes you appreciate your life and those close to you. You realise that clothes, shoes, holidays, bills, cars, money and trivial things don't mean anything! Its your health, that along with loved ones that count! When i was pregnant i wanted the best this and the best that, i wanted everything to be perfect for when Finley arrived and it was......he had the best nursery the best cot the best everything! But then when it came to it, he didn't have anything he never used his cot, his moses basket and his bottles. People say i should keep them for my next baby, but how? How do i feed another baby with Finley's bottles? How do i put another baby to sleep in Finley's moses basket? Even though he never used them, they were his!!

Here's a quote i thought was very accurate to ''this'' what were going through:

• A wife who looses her husband is called a widow, a husband who looses his wife is called a widower, a child who looses their parents is called an orphan, there is no word for a parent who looses a child, that's how awful the loss is.

Another quote:

• When you loose a parent its loosing your past, when you loose a child its loosing your future.

Those quotes are soo true, that's exactly how it is!

Since hearing these i have heard a name what you call a parent who looses their child:

• An Angel mummy/daddy!

Elesha & Scott day :)

Well me and Scott have agreed today is Elesha & Scott day, were too cute i tell you....today is like a double Valentines day....we relaxed in bed till like noon, then got ourselves pampered and ready.....and now were sat on the sofa relaxing, while i blog and Scott watches FOOTBALL!! ugh!

So were going for a meal soon, then were gonna walk the doggy's and then watch a movie :) I love Elesha & Scott days!!

We had a massive talk last night and i finally got Scott to open up to me, about EVERYTHING! I feel so much better now i know he's not got a ''swinging brick'' for a heart!

We've been talking about our house and we've agreed that if the jobs that NEED doing are not done they ain't getting the friggin rent! ha! I'm sure they will do the jobs when they've got no money!

I am finally having my hair done tomorrow :) Anyone would think is been year not 7 weeks! ha!

Think I'm going to more blonde this time, I'm bored of being brunette and they do say that blondes have more fun! So think that's the way forward! :)

Cant believe we well i say we i mean i have been talked into having a sunbed......well i suppose we have got enough room for it....He's like a woman, he loves the beds!

So that's where my tan is going to be coming from for the foreseeable future, until Scott gets his arse in gear and books us a bloody holiday :) I'm not sure where i fancy going....i know i certainly wont be going to NYC (which is where i want to go) Scott hates America and the Americans :(

How can anybody hate NYC?? As Alicia Keys says New York....Concrete jungle where dreams are made of....that is too true!!!

The weekend is here :)

Well its finally the weekend (not that it means anything to me, everyday is the same! ha!) But its the time me and the boy spend some time together....we've had a good day today, went and bought some pictures for the front room....but I'm not sure whether i like them now! ha!

Then we went to Scott cousin's......hmmm that was an experience, we got to talking about Ghost's, and whether we believe in them, they do but I'm on the fence, i think i kinda believe but then I'm not quite sure, i think its ''fear of the unknown'' hmmmm I'm not sure.

God i cant wait to go to the gym on Monday.....i need some positive endorphins, I'm seriously lacking!

So were relaxing tonight watching TV and then a movie!

I started my new book last night, its a Tasmina Perry one, its really good.....gutted my I heart Hollywood isn't here yet :( NY was AMAZING!! I love Lindsey Kelk......

xoxo