Perfect!

Well we had the results for Finley's post mortem yesterday, apparentley our usual consultant was ''sick'' i think he didnt have the guts to face me & Scott! So we saw a registrar, she was very nice but knew absolutely sod all about me or the way Finley died. All she told us was Finley was PERFECT!! Every single organ was normal, then i asked about me................I CAN have more children! :) That made my face light up, i had visions of me not being able to carry again! So i then asked if i had a Placental abruption.......Yes i had a minor one but their not sure whether that was the reason!?!? Huh.....if thats the only abnomality obviously it was that!! So the Placental abruption was caused by the pre-eclampsia (i think) Nobody will tell me anything for certain, so iv made another appointment with my usual consultant, hopefully he'll be able to shed some light.

We also went to see a solicitor aswell yesterday, well we saw his secretary, she copied my medical records and we have an appointment with him next Wednesday! Fingers crossed we get somewhere! I want the BITCH sacked! Harsh i know but right i am!

So we can now start TTC yeyyyyyyy! I feel like iv waited forever! Well i dont exactly want to TRY i want stop not trying, if that makes sense!

I cannot believe it has been 17 weeks and 4 days since my beautiful boy graced this Earth!! Seem so long ago in one sense but but like yesterday in another!

(Nearly) Time for work.....

Well i officially start back at work on the 14Th April and guess what shift I'm on?????? 8 friggin 8! You'd think they would give me an easy come back....hhhhmmmm nope! I'm actually really scared of going back, I'm gonna feel like a new girl all over again soo many people to meet and work with! Arghhh......scary!
I expected to go back to work when my baby boy was 6 months old, i wanted to take pictures in and take him to show everyone my beautiful baby boy.....that's not gonna happen! People say you life is mapped out...if that frigging TomTom lady is mapping my life out, she needs to resign in that job! She's doing a shit job! Iv thought allot lately about luck, some people say you make your own, but i honestly do not know, i mean if you make your own luck i would have my baby here with me now! Oh i don't know!

I went to work today to do some training........it was BORING! But anyway, to the point. I'm so sick of that sympathetic look people give me and they say ''Are you OK?'' And then stand their for a while, what seriously do they want me to say???
I just feel like everything is going back to normal, but i don't want it to, i feel like screaming ''MY BABY IS DEAD!!''
The feelings are weird, i DONT want people's sympathy but yet i don't want people to treat me the way they did before Finley was born.....weird huh! I'm so sensitive its unreal!

What really does annoy me is when people totally blank the fact i had a son out! I mean they wont mention his name, wont talk about my pregnancy....i think they think if they don't talk about it, it never happened! WELL IT DID! And i want people to talk about him i want people to know about how I'm feeling i want people to acknowledge my son! Is that so wrong???

What do i do from here? I want somebody to tell me what to do now. I mean with life, do i try and get back to the person i used to be or do i carry on being an emotional volcano just waiting for my feelings to erupt!?! I wish their was a 'Guide to grief' That would help loads!
I'm sick of worrying about death, my close friend told me something about her family member yesterday and it scared me that much i could reply to her text, and i feel so bad for it, it (death) scares the shitting life outta me!
I mean i talk to my ''new friends'' (Fellow angel mummy's) and they really do make sense, but sometimes i feel bad for asking them questions, if their having a good day and i go and ask about feelings I'm scared i will ruin their day, i mean i know whatever i say could not upset them more than they already are over their angels but i just feel bad asking!

Question: Do you think having another baby takes these feelings away?
I actually do not know the answer, i mean i would hope it did! But then in reality i don't any one thing (apart from Finley being here) would make these feelings disappear!

Sometimes i wish i was the person i used to be....i wish i didn't worry about death, i wish i didn't have these feelings i wish! But then when i sit back i think in time i will become a better person (I'm not quite sure how that works like) But people say i will....so lets go with that!

Anyway on a good note, I'm looking forward to the weekend, I'm getting a new phone tomorrow and then tomorrow night I'm having my very own Ann Summers :) Yeyyyyyyaaaa! :)

Blog soon xoxo

What a Grieving parent wants to know!

I am not Strong - i am just numb. When you tell me that I'm strong i feel that you don't see me. I will not recover this is not a cold or the flu, I'm grieving and that's different. I will not always be grieving so intensely, but i will never forget my Finley. And rather than recover i want to incorporate his life and love into the rest of my life. Finley is part of me and always will be, and sometimes i will remember him with joy, and other times with sadness. Both are okay.

I don't have to accept death - yes i understand that it happened, and it is real, but their are somethings in life that are unacceptable.

Please don't avoid me, you cant catch my grief. My world is painful when you are afraid to call or visit or say anything. I am isolated at a time when i need to be most cared about. If you don't know what to say, just touch my arm, give me a hug and just say I'm sorry.

Please don't say to call if i need anything, ill never call because i have no idea what i need. Please send me a card on special holidays and his birthday.

Please say his name, you cannot make me cry, the tears are always there. It gives me the opportunity to shed some tears because someone cared enough to reach out to me!

R.I.P Beautiful baby boy.

I love you always and forever Finley

xxxxxx

Ronan was right.....Life is a rollercoaster!

My life seems from one extreme to another! Ronan Keating was right! Haha!
Good days/Bad days = Well i still seem to be having my good and bad days i suppose i will for a long time yet! I cannot wait to start feeling ''normal'' again. My doctor has given me anti-depressants but i really don't want to take them :( I'm scared of not being able to get off them and cause i want another baby its not the best start for a child is it?! Mother emotionally unstable! So I'm just gonna try and get through this alone and with the help of my family and friends. Ill get there in time :)

I have finally decided on my tattoo, I'm having the words:

• Finley Too beautiful for Earth with angel wings at either side.

I cant wait to book it in, think ill go over a few sittings though :) I'm not that brave haha! Scott has his done on Saturday it looks awesome :) So proud of him, not for having a tattoo but for having Finley's name on him :)

So me and my mum went to Chester on Saturday to visit Tracy, we haven't seen her for over 10 years so it was really good to get back in touch :) We had a lovely day, we relaxed at Tracy & Charlie's and then went into Chester for a meal and some shopping, we had a Chinese banquet it was sooo yummy :) Then i bought the most gorgeous bag :) I have loads so i think its about time i started using them eh! lol!

Sunday = Me and Scott had a DVD day, i love those days, get dressed to go to Blockbuster and then come home and get back in your jamas :) We watched a few films and had a pizza :( Naughty girl. I figured if i diet 6 days a week and then eat what i want on a Sunday (to a certain degree) My metabolism will work faster! Those are my thought anyway :)

I finally received a letter about Finley's PM results we go to see the consultant on Monday, which I'm glad about but really nervous at the same time! I hope they tell me what i want to hear.

So tonight, its soaps and then yet another DVD :)

Blog soon x0x0

Gleeeeek!

Well i watched my first ever Glee yesterday! I love it! I haven't watched it from the start cause i was on holiday and never thought to watch it after! I think i am an official GLEEEEK! haha!

So i phoned the consultant the other day and guess what? They finally have Finley's PM results! So we have just got to wait for appointment now! Hope they don't take too long about it!

I've had a bad few day recently, i keep getting really upset, i think Mothers day kicked it all off, i mean it would of been my first Mothers day as Finley's mummy :( People tell me, it will be my time soon, but i don't cry cause I'm not a mother i cry cause I'm not a mother to Finley, well i am but I'm not at the same time.
Iv been thinking about going to a spiritualist church lately, not that i want to speak to Finley, i just want to know their is a life after this......I'm scared that there isn't! So i think the church would help me to start believing! Everything keeps going through my mind, was it me? Did i do something wrong? Have i ever done something wrong for my baby to be taken from me!
This quote really makes sense:

• An angel opens the book of life and wrote down my baby's birth, then she whispered as she closed the book ''to beautiful for earth''

It really seems to bring me comfort, iv been doing allot of surfing the net lately on youtube, like looking for poems and such like. I found a clip called ''What makes a Mother'' and it is so so lovely, it made me cry so much it just says like ''God - why have you taken my baby from me? Then God says If only i could show you what your child is doing today, he/she is smiling and dancing in the rain'' It really is lovely.

Questions, maybe's & what if's!

Well i have been very anxious lately, i seem to be scared of anything and everything! I think with what i have been through these feelings i have a relatively normal!

We went to see the consultant again on Monday, what a bloody waste if time that was! He told me to Move on....hmmm not quite sure how to do that, maybe ill learn how to live with it but i don't think i will ever move on, is it even possible?
I have so many questions and now have been put in the right direction to make a complaint and take things further! So we will most definitely be in the process of doing that very soon. I asked where Finley's PM results are and also where the results are from my placenta being tested....i was told ''i don't know'' Nice! The main consultant in Rochdale and he doesn't bloody know! So were still waiting and it feels like we probably be waiting for ever more!

Motivation = Nonexistent, i seem to have no motivation what so ever lately, i mean i wanna loose weight more than anything cause when iv done that i can start trying for a baby, well i say i, i mean we! So I'm taking my step dad to the gym with me on Sunday to show me properly what machines to use.......and to TRY and make it more fun! :)
It's mothers day on Sunday and I'm looking forward to it in one way but really don't want it to come in another.....it would of been my first mothers day with Finley :( God, how i wish things were different!

R.I.P Finley.....i love you always and forever!

Happy freezing anniversary!

Well its mine and Scott's 2 year anniversary today, we've had a really good day, we've been in the pub and had a nice time with family and friends :) I cannot believe it has been 2 years already, where does time go?! Scott drank so much Bitter than he was sick as soon as we got home, so the Chinese we bought went in the bin! So now he's in bed and I'm freezing my arse off downstairs!
I tell you this house is so so bloody cold.....the fire has been capped and the central heating just comes on and off when it likes, only problem is we have no radiator in the living room....so we have NO heating what-so-ever! So yesterday the estate agent went out and bout a really big oil filled heater/radiator for the lounge, it was doing brilliantly warming us up until we notices that it was leaking oil alllllll over the carpet!! So now we cant use that! Hopefully something will be sorted this week I'm sick to death of waiting now! They are soooo soooo not having any rent next month!

So we've got another appointment with the consultant tomorrow, not quite sure what the hell for, cause they STILL haven't got Finley's PM results!!! 15 weeks later.......still no results!
I went to the gym this morning i have been supposedly going everyday this week but haven't gone, i just had no motivation at all! But i dragged my arse there this morning and had a good workout, and i actually felt allot better!

Blog soon
xoxo

Up the Dale!

We went to watch football last night, they were surprisingly really good! 4-0 to Dale!
I was dead star struck cause we saw Darren Ferguson :) haha! It was F-F-Freezing though!
Were finally getting somewhere with the repairs on the house, we've only been reporting them for 4 BLOODY WEEKS!!! So now the managers on to the jobs, and as we speak i am waiting for a workman to come and start fixing the jobs :)

I got my medical records yesterday so have been reading through those, some of the lies are unreal. I didn't know they could lie on a medical record!! But at least we have now got them and its the big day on Monday at the consultants!
Blog soon.......

xoxo

Feeling Gurrrrdddd.......

Wow it's been almost a week since my last blog....too long for me ha!

Well quite allot has happened in the last week...I found my long lost cousin, i haven't seen her since she was like 6 months old! And i cannot believe she has been living in Rochdale all this time, SMALL WORLD! So I'm taking her down to my dads tomorrow to meet the rest of the family...their dead happy to have her back, they haven't seen her for a very long time too. If only they were as happy to see me ha! Never! Black sheep i am, i have the people who i love though, my beautiful mummy, Dave my step dad (who is amazing) and my perfect boy Scott!

I have been doing really well at the gym...i had my assessment on Sunday, it went really well, iv lost more weight and its all good, my BMI is way over what it should be, but that will soon be sorted when i carry on training hard! :) The trainer set me a program and it kinda works i can do everything apart from run for 20 minutes on the treadmill (my arse has never see that much exercise EVER) So iv cut it down to power walking for 10 minutes!

I phoned up for my medical records today.....Jesus what a performance! I spoke to 4 different people before i finally got through to the right person...and then she told me the consultant STILL hadn't given permission for the records to be copied....i was so annoyed, so i phoned my mum and told her she phoned the woman back told her a few home truths and shouted a little and HEY PRESTO she miraculously found the records on the shelf! What a surprise!

So we've got the meeting with the consultant on Monday where we will hopefully get Finley's PM results (i say hopefully, the NHS will prob take another 3 months) I really hope we do get them, i just want a little bit of closure, i mean i already kinda know what their gonna say i just need my thought to be confirmed!

I am thinking of setting up a charity Golf event in Finley's memory, and all the donations are going to SANDS....i really hope we can pull it off :) I'm also thinking of planting a tree for Finley, as he was cremated i have nowhere where i can go to pay respect or whatever it is that you do when you visit ''their'' place....

So tomorrow is a busy day.....seeing mummy in the morning :) Then going meeting my cousin Holly and the rest of the family in the afternoon....then me and Scott are going to watch the footie..yey ha ha. UP THE DALE!!!!

xoxo

Feelings........

Well since last night i haven't stopped thinking about Finley and what would of been! I have felt shitty all day today...there is a saying, ''how do you miss something you never had?'' I'm not quite sure of the answer but i know one thing it is possible! I tried taking my mind off it and thinking of other things but seriously how do you??
I went to the gym and took my anger out there! And it felt good, like an outlet, i ran so hard on the treadmill and rowed so fast on the Rowing machine.....and it does make me feel better.
I think iv have been thinking allot lately cause we've got an appointment with the consultant in March and it is stressing me out a little.....we SHOULD hopefully get Finley's results back then (if we don't i will go mad, they told us 6 weeks not over 3 months!) So they are worrying me, what if their was something wrong with Finley? or me? or the placenta? All these different questions.....why when someone dies do we have so many questions?? Baffles me!
Sometimes i think, would i of been a good mum? i mean i know i would of of and do love him but would i of known how to wind/change/feed & soothe him? People say i am a mummy and i kinda feel like one but i don't know how to ''mother'' a baby all i know is to carry the baby.
I want those feelings though, i want to be able to do all those things for a baby, my baby, another baby.

Having a relaxing night with Scott tonight, gonna have a jacuzzi and then watch the soaps. :)
xoxo

Angel mummy/daddy!

Its hard to believe my Finley would be 3 months and 4 days old today..........i miss him so much!
Iv been thinking allot about getting pregnant, but at this moment I'm not sure if i want another baby or its Finley i think ill be getting at the end of the pregnancy! I mean i obviously know its not going to be Finley, I'm not making sense now!
When we first found out we were pregnant, we were so shocked, scared every emotion a young couple could feel, we also thought we wasent ready for a baby, by that time we didn't have a choice Finley was on the way.....during the pregnancy we made ourselves ready, we got a house and did everything perfect for our little boy arriving, we waited until the very end, past the end and then we had nothing. We went through everything, the midwife appointments, the scans, the back ache, the fidgety legs, the baby kicking, hiccups, when he moved his arm or leg around my tummy and when he did i took it for granted, i didn't bless and saver every single moment, now i do!
Sometimes i sit back and think, what was the point? What was the point in even getting pregnant? Then i realise Finley was sent here for a reason.....he was sent to test mine and Scotts relationship to the ultimate! And we did it and are still doing it, we are getting through it. It is the hardest thing i have ever had to do but for sure i am doing it and so is Scott.

Its amazing how something like this changes you, as a person i mean, its hard to explain how but it does, it makes you appreciate your life and those close to you. You realise that clothes, shoes, holidays, bills, cars, money and trivial things don't mean anything! Its your health, that along with loved ones that count! When i was pregnant i wanted the best this and the best that, i wanted everything to be perfect for when Finley arrived and it was......he had the best nursery the best cot the best everything! But then when it came to it, he didn't have anything he never used his cot, his moses basket and his bottles. People say i should keep them for my next baby, but how? How do i feed another baby with Finley's bottles? How do i put another baby to sleep in Finley's moses basket? Even though he never used them, they were his!!

Here's a quote i thought was very accurate to ''this'' what were going through:

• A wife who looses her husband is called a widow, a husband who looses his wife is called a widower, a child who looses their parents is called an orphan, there is no word for a parent who looses a child, that's how awful the loss is.

Another quote:

• When you loose a parent its loosing your past, when you loose a child its loosing your future.

Those quotes are soo true, that's exactly how it is!

Since hearing these i have heard a name what you call a parent who looses their child:

• An Angel mummy/daddy!

Elesha & Scott day :)

Well me and Scott have agreed today is Elesha & Scott day, were too cute i tell you....today is like a double Valentines day....we relaxed in bed till like noon, then got ourselves pampered and ready.....and now were sat on the sofa relaxing, while i blog and Scott watches FOOTBALL!! ugh!

So were going for a meal soon, then were gonna walk the doggy's and then watch a movie :) I love Elesha & Scott days!!

We had a massive talk last night and i finally got Scott to open up to me, about EVERYTHING! I feel so much better now i know he's not got a ''swinging brick'' for a heart!

We've been talking about our house and we've agreed that if the jobs that NEED doing are not done they ain't getting the friggin rent! ha! I'm sure they will do the jobs when they've got no money!

I am finally having my hair done tomorrow :) Anyone would think is been year not 7 weeks! ha!

Think I'm going to more blonde this time, I'm bored of being brunette and they do say that blondes have more fun! So think that's the way forward! :)

Cant believe we well i say we i mean i have been talked into having a sunbed......well i suppose we have got enough room for it....He's like a woman, he loves the beds!

So that's where my tan is going to be coming from for the foreseeable future, until Scott gets his arse in gear and books us a bloody holiday :) I'm not sure where i fancy going....i know i certainly wont be going to NYC (which is where i want to go) Scott hates America and the Americans :(

How can anybody hate NYC?? As Alicia Keys says New York....Concrete jungle where dreams are made of....that is too true!!!

The weekend is here :)

Well its finally the weekend (not that it means anything to me, everyday is the same! ha!) But its the time me and the boy spend some time together....we've had a good day today, went and bought some pictures for the front room....but I'm not sure whether i like them now! ha!

Then we went to Scott cousin's......hmmm that was an experience, we got to talking about Ghost's, and whether we believe in them, they do but I'm on the fence, i think i kinda believe but then I'm not quite sure, i think its ''fear of the unknown'' hmmmm I'm not sure.

God i cant wait to go to the gym on Monday.....i need some positive endorphins, I'm seriously lacking!

So were relaxing tonight watching TV and then a movie!

I started my new book last night, its a Tasmina Perry one, its really good.....gutted my I heart Hollywood isn't here yet :( NY was AMAZING!! I love Lindsey Kelk......

xoxo

Slow starter....

Well i have just been browsing my profile and i have just realised i have a whopping amazing 3 followers!!! Great...haha! May as well just say ''NO FRIENDS!'' Haha!
What a bad night i had, up at 2am until 6am, then back to sleep at 7am and woke up at 10am! I really need to go to the doctors to find out what this pain is i get in my back, the doctors just do not seem to know...i have had a scan, which lead to a big fat Nothing, i have even had an Endoscopy and that didn't show anything either! But they really need to find out what it is....strange thing is, i get it every other day and when i was pregnant i didn't get it once!! Weird!!

TGIF anyway! The weekend is finally upon us :) And its GYM time, woooo! Were defo going tomorrow,cant wait! Think we'll get a DVD tomorrow night, I'm lost without my X Factor, haha!

I phoned up the NHS records department and asked where the hell my records are seen as iv been waiting since December....they will get here next week, thank god!
I also phoned my consultants Secretary and made an appointment with the consultant for March and she said by the time my appointment comes Finley's post-mortem results should most defiantly be back!! 2 bits of good news....i cant actually believe how long these results are taking....i mean it has been 3 months to the day tomorrow.....my god 3 months! It seems like it was a million years ago!
Iv come such a long way though in those 3 months...i feel like i grown as a person, iv grown into a strong (nothing bothers me) person.
I am friends with a few ladies/girls on FB and i tell you materialistic is NOT the word, all there worries are shoes, clothes, holidays, make-up, etc.....i wish my life could revolve around that....instead i worry about finding a spot on my face in case its the big C i worry about going to sleep at night and not waking up.....i worry about when the hell i am gonna be able to try for another baby....i have so much anxiety. I even worry about getting Autism with me just having had my MMR vaccine! I know its all silly, but that's just how it is, i asked the health visitor and she said its perfectly normal...i think when you have experienced first hand a life being snatched away so quick, you value your own so so much more!!
However the anxiety has got less and i dont panic as much as i did which is good.

Looking forward to relaxing with my boy this weekend........and finding out tonight ''Who killed Archie Mitchell'' hahaha, saddo!

xoxo

Loosing weight!

Well im trying so so hard to loose all this baby weight.....its really starting to stress me out!
I have been going for a walk for an hour everyday.
I mean apart from starvation, what else can i do? And im NOT going down that road!! Im oing the gym today or tomorrow so gonna whack some hours in there.....iv never been so excited to excersize..haha!
Apparently it is the start of Lent today...i have decided to give up chocolate for Lent, it starts today and finshes on the 3rd of April - which means 40 days! I know i can do it i have so much motivation! Loose weight = start trying for a baby :)
Thin is definatly in! And i will be :)

It was the Brit Awards last night....ooooo i love the Brits! What great performances.....Alicia Keys & Jay Z, Lady GaGa, Robbie Williams, Florence & the machine, Cheryl Cole...they were all amazing! Apart from Cheryl Cole miming soo bad she should of been booed off!! Alicia Key & Jay Z were by far the best, they were absolutly fab! Hmmm Lady GaGa - she was...well...WEIRD! I think she is an amazing artist but her style actually scares me! Robbie Williams did a medley and he was great, goreous too, and didnt seem to be high on drugs (for a change)

Valentines day 2010

Where to start..........it was Valentines day yesterday and i had a lovely day with the love of my life (how cheesy hahaha) Loved my presents of him, he's so thoughtful :)

The weekend with Bella ended quite quickly and its made me want a dog.....iv got no chance of getting a kitten so ill have the next best thing! ha! Iv seen a dog at Bleakholt animal sanctuary its a pug crossed with a caviler king Charles called Basil....he's gorgeous! Trip to Bleakholt soon me thinks!

Scott's ex is back on the scene, well not on the scene but her friend has been trying to fish for gossip! I mean it been over 2 years since he left you! Get a grip, bunny boiler! Apparently she said she's sorry for my loss and hopes were both OK, ha what a fucking laugh! I hate you, you hate me, now jog onnnn!!! Some women just cant accept a fact can they i mean i understand the stalker routine, we've all done that, when i was 17 like.....but she's 23 and had another relationship since Scott!! Come on girl.........

Ooooooo BIG news.....We have kinda set a date for our wedding! Yeyyyaa! So happy, we're so excited, just been phoning around looking for a venue for the reception today.

So my health visitor came today (i actually forgot she was coming! ha!) She's such a lovely woman.....everything she says just makes sense, maybe its her job that's taught her how to act what to say etc! The sad news is their is NO bereavement counseling anymore as the NHS wouldn't fund it...surprise surprise! I told her all the details and she defiantly thinks we have got a good case with suing the trust! What worries me though is if i do sue the trust, in my next pregnancy will Rochdale look after me???? Hmmmm maybe i should ask my consultant next time i see him!

God am i craving carbs......I'm on this strict diet...but i don't follow it at weekend so a Monday is hell for me! I mean i don't eat crap at weekend just allow myself a few treats :) Especially THIS weekend.....being Vday yesterday me and Scott more or less polished of a full box of Milk Tray.....greed, just pure bloody greed!! haha!

It's like 23:30 and i am STARVING!! I'm not giving in to food though.....i will loose all this weight so i can have another baby. That's my goal - Loose extra weight = start trying for a baby :)

I had a chat today with one of my old friends from school....such a inspiring lady/girl/woman (whatever a 21-22yr old is! ha!) She has been through so much...and now i wish her all the luck in the world! ;) She told me about a spiritualist she has been to see.....i have thought about going, but I'm scared of what they will tell me, but I'm sure there not allowed to tell you anything bad? Right? I don't know yet, ill have to have a think about it.....

I feel so much better after seeing Carole the health visitor today.....she is going to arrange a meeting well not a meeting but for one of the midwifes who looked after me during my pregnancy and i mean she actually looked after me, i mean she was brill - so she is going to arrange for J to come round to my house to have a chat about my next pregnancy....cause i am a little apprehensive......

Anyways Crossroads has just come on TV and i love Brittney hehe!

Blog soon

xoxo

Bella....

Well we're dog sitting this weekend for Bella, we took her for a really long walk last night, got soo muddy and cold.....she loved it though! ha! Cant believe she was up crying at 6am!!! I haven't seen that time for a long while....

Its one more day until Valentines day :) I'm soo excited...eeeaaak!! Don't know why though! ha!
Hmmmmm what shall we do today?? I think we'll start by taking ells Bells for a walk again, tire her out for the day :) And then we'll go and do some food shopping....my boy is cooking a meal for us tonight :) Romantic....i know i should cook really, but he said he doesn't fancy food poisoning! Cheeky! ha!

Ill tell you about my weekend tomorrow...and put some pictures on of Bella.
xoxo

Emotional rolercoaster!

Well this past week has been up and down.....i keep asking myself why? Why me? What have i done that's so wrong? I would of been a good mummy, i know it.....i dream about Finley and how he grows and gets older...plays in the garden, says his first word, goes to school! Why am i dreaming this? Its never going to be. I long for another baby, my doctor told me last week if i get pregnant my baby could die...(very UN-tactful) under the circumstances....he said it cause i had my MMR jab in December and i cant get pregnant for at least 3 months :( As the months go on....i want a baby more and more each day....I'll never forget Finley but in a weird kinda way i want to replace/fill that massive hole that's in my heart...in my home, my family and my arms!
People say to me, aw can you imagine what it would be like if Finley was here?!!! Ermmm cheers for that, cause no i cant!!!
Why do we always want what we cant have.....i want to try for a baby but I'm scared of something happening...what happens if i get pregnant and the baby is born asleep again, what would i do then...? Scott says i think far too much into the future..maybe i do!
One thing thing that does annoy me.......when i see people i know who have babies, i go up to them and comment how beautiful their baby is and they go all stiff and frosty....whats that about! I'm not going to kidnap their baby, iv lost my baby not my mind!

Slimming world was a downward spiral...i went and the nasty bitch who takes the sessions told me i couldn't join as i had the wrong form, i understand but whats the nastiness about! I mean if you dint know how to speak to people...don't work with the public!! So i will get the right form and then go to a different meeting...sod her!!

Valentines day this weekend...i have asked Scott for a kitten but he is still so adamant that i AINT having one..... :( Wonder what i will get?!
Well I'm off to try and sort out my gas and electric supplier out now.....damn companies wind me up!
xoxo

Loosing the weight!

I am so proud of my self this week......since 14th December i have loast 2 stone!!! Yeyyyyaa!

I start slimming world tomorrow, and im really excited to start loosing more weight and get healthy......and then we can start trying for a baby :)

Been quite a busy weekend really! We had our house warming on Saturday....my god i was soo soo drunk, i am never drinking wine with nothing on my stomach AGAIN! I was sick EVERYWHERE, not a good look.

I looked at Finley's pictures the other day too, it really upset me, cause he's not here but it did bring me peace...he is sooo beautiful and just looks like me :) I am glad i have fianlly looked though cause i still felt like i was waiting....still pregnant in a weird way, but now its like closure, i have seen my boy and he is beautiful!

Oooooo i nearly forgot, i had my tattoo :) i didnt think id brave it but iv done it! People who say ''they dont hurt'' are talking wet, cause they do hurt, its just a bearable pain....i love it!

Its Scott's name in Arabic!

People have said what if you split up, im gonna have his name on me for life...the truth is, i dont ever wanna forget Scott, even if we do split he will always be Finley's daddy and we've been through so much together, he is kinda part of me growing up.

People have also said what you gonna do when you get old? And the tattoo is their on your wrist when your 80yr old, well the truth is i might not get old! So why not...iv seen how quikly a life can be snatched away so why not live each day as it comes dont think about the future think about today...its called today/now for a reason!

Ciao for now......

February already!

I cannot believe how fast this year is going already..........
What happened to January?!

Well I'm looking forward to our house warming on Saturday. And then my 2 girly nights out at the end of the month! Gay village better get ready for me and Laura! I finally got my new phone today, i love it!
Been quite a busy week this week, been into work, hmmmm that was a little daunting, last time i was there i was pregnant, getting ready to meet my beautiful baby boy......spoke to a few of the girls which was nice.
Sorted all my bills out......god, that was hard work i can say I AM NEVER MOVING AGAIN!
And i also told my ''dad'' what i think of him, which surprisingly made me feel a whole lot better! He says he's gonna start being there for me now, hmmm we'll see!!

Tattoo = Friday, i cant wait! I'm scared but I'm sure ill be OK, people say if you can go through labour a tattoo is nothing, so we'll have to see haha!

Well I'm off, I'm gonna get in a nice jacuzzi bath and then watch Desperate Housewives!